I've had a hard time sticking around the boards lately. I come to browse occasionally, but my motivation to catch anyone up on my sitch is nil. I just read through your thread here and am feeling the heat of your anger, though!!
The briefest update: H is arriving on leave before transfering to his new unit (three hours away from where I am) in a month. We'll find out then if he will be staying at that new unit for 3 years, or if he'll be transfering out quickly for a promotion. Either way, I anticipate some kind of foot dragging when it comes to S and I relocating to be with him. All signs point to him wanting to remain a "devoted" satellite husband indefinately.
Your last post about H's career choices hit close to home for me as well. My H doesn't get doctor's pay or anything, but more than half of our short marriage (6.5 yrs) has been lived in separate states. That includes more than half of our S's life at this point too. And what gets me is that I definately see that my H is not totally onboard with living together again. I told him again in a recent phone call that I wasn't doing this long distance M thing beyond his next transfer. It seems like I am constantly in a state of waiting to tell H this, telling him this, or reminding him of this. When I do verbalize it to him (not as an ultimatum, but just a statement of my expectations/needs) he just says blandly, "I know," or nothing at all.
Last time I talked to him I mentioned to him again, that it just didn't seem like he wanted us to be together in the same place again. He said, "no, no" he wanted that too, but wasn't enthusiastic at all about it. About an hour later I said something about "when we're living together again..." and he jumped in with "what if I don't want that." I very calmly said, "then we shouldn't be married." To which he had nothing to say.
It frustrates me. But not like it used to. I guess, I'm at the end of the line with him, and feel like I am OK to move on without him if he can't step up. I know to most people my H looks like a guy who just wants to have his freedom, run around with god knows who, and keep his claim on his wife and kid. But, you'd have to meet him to understand exactly how much of a recluse he is. H probably has had a one night stand, or two, or... I don't even care at this point. I doubt he's had an EA of any kind, because he's so unattached. And with my H, an EA would be a far, far greater violation of our R...ehhh, I don't even want to think about that.
I recently confided in a long-time friend about a phone convo I had with H when he called me up very, very drunk from outside a bar. First of all, it's only the second time H has ever called me because he's had a rough day and just wanted someone to talk to. That's never been our R, so I'm glad we're making some progress there. But, in the four hours that I talked to him (until he was nearly sober again) he unloaded a lot of sexual issues he has had (with me and otherwise) for his entire adult life. It felt as if he was trying to admit some PAs he's had since we've been apart-hell, maybe since we've been married. And I kept telling him that I'd rather not even know. I mean, seriously, I've put so much of his crap behind me, a PA, especially if it wasn't long-term, seems like less than a banana peal at the bottom of the bag. But he kept pushing it, like he was testing the waters, "how would you feel if I told you...would you be angry if you found out...?" without ever coming out and saying he did anything. I kept pushing him back saying, "I don't even want to hear it, what does it matter. No one would believe me if I told them you'd been faithful for the past 3 years apart, so just let it go." Then he got offended saying "don't you think I have any self control?" blah, blah, blah. And to top that all off, the convo kept turning back to how much he wanted to have another child, and as soon as possible. He's either crazy insane, or talking without filters. Considering how drunk he was, I'm positive of the latter, but that doesn't rule out the former.
Anyway when I told my friend about this, she was appalled. But I told her, it really didn't bother me that much. She said I was in denial, so used to repressing all my emotions about my sitch. Maybe she's right. H did bring up a good point-that if it didn't matter if he'd slept with anyone since we'd been separated, why was I so adimant that I didn't want to hear about it. And my friend agreed with that point. Although we're both a little perplexed about why H would bring up the point in the first place. (Seriously, my H is a manipulative little instigator, especially after having celebrated the end of a month of back breaking sea trials with who knows how many shots.)
It would bother me to hear about H sleeping with someone else. But intellectually, I can brush it aside-atleast anything that took place in the past, especially while we were separated and not speaking. So I guess, by not hearing about it, I save myself the trouble of sorting through useless emotions.
Now that I think about it, H may have also been fishing for a little info from my end, because he asked about some rumors that apparently had been floating around about the people who I was spending time with during our break up. Now I'm just processing outloud....
God, I know he loves me. I know he'll never love anyone the same. I know he'll do everything he can to take care of S and I (financially) until the day he dies, and even then he's crossed teh Ts and dotted all the Is on his life insurance policy. But love is not enough. He's got to be able to take care of our emotional needs as well. He's got to BE with us, physically.
H has reservations about living together again because he's naturally averse to sharing his life with anyone. I don't know if his fears will disolve once we are together and I can show him my new and improved coping skills. Or if his fears will be realized and our next home will melt down just like our last one. But either way I'm pretty sure we are going to be living together again soon, because he does not seem to be willing to call me on my stipulation (just another word for ultimatum, I suppose) that we live together or not be married (way to avoid the word "divorce"). It may last for the rest of our lives, or it may last 6 months. But I have a deep and driving need to get on with it.
So, there's my disorganized hijack of your thread, J. If I tried to gather my thoughts, or even spell check "instigator" I would never have gotten this much down.
About your anger...you do seem to have some of that. Let's be angry for a moment. Why deny it. Let's see if we can difuse some of it. Or lets just enjoy the feeling of letting it rip.
I'll start...What f*cking loser treats his family like they come absolutely last in the line of "things to consider before making major life decisions"? What jack*ss puts his life partner and own children up on a shelf like they don't freaking count until they're 35 or 40 (i.e. when he can retire with his nest egg that was "all for them") Who passes up on their children's childhood for a f*cking one room apartment (or metal rack, as the case may be) so they can have the space they need to pursue more important things? Who's H are we talking about here?
