I am doing well tonite just felt like I needed to post to calm my nerves. My H got upset with me cause my cousin had set up a myspace page for me and I told him about it. The EX-friend I always gripe @ on here left me a private message and I told himk @ it he got "salty" more than angry and says its for kids and you aren't one. So I erased it and apologized a couple of times. I do not mind his input and he did not iverreact like he used to ,, I just though the wouldn't get like that and then when I called to say Goodnite he was still " salty" . And said ok good nite I will talk to you tommorrow. ( in the driest tone you can imagine)

I am still a little upset b/c I agree it is for young people and my son also set it up for me in the past and I deleted it then too. My cousin just set it up on Mothers day when she was over and I just smiled while she was doing it. I do not mind not having it it's just that I get upset with his sometoimes old school way of thinking and that I always have to be this perfect classy lady and I can't be silly once in awhile. Oh well....

I get upset b/c he has this real aversion now to ...anything "YOUNG" . His "OW" was 12 years younger than me, and so anytime I get close to being "YOUNG" or letting my hair down if it is not to his liking he lets me know. Last year in October when I wore a shirt that was too young he told me it actually made him physically sick to look at me in it and why did I think I looked nice? Had all I could do to hold back the tears...
I guess this is why this stings more b/c of an accumilation of things he has said to me. I do not go out ever and I am pretty much always here at home I do not have many outside interests aside from my Family or going to the GYM and that is fine with me so it hurts that he gets like this over this.
When he went to Mexico for 2 months he would call me very late , well early morning hours after he had been out drinking and say HI and I never got upset like I used to in the past I just trusted him. So MY being upset is really not about him getting salty it is more to with me feeling his old tinge of I can do x, y or z but you have to be at home and be perfect thinking. I really could care less about the topic that made him salty ,, I just get frustrated with he can do x, y or z and it is A OK and I always need to be Jackie O. While I do also want for people to admire me and respect me and be beautiful and classy the way she was ... I am not perfect.

This is why ,PARTLY ,in the past I could not get into my sexuality b/c OH MY what will my H think if I do this or that in bed.


SO YES I AM VENTING SOME AND I DO FEEL BETTER NOW. I also do not like him getting this way when I am a good person... oh well enough being salty myself.
I love him and he loves me and WOW I guess it kind of freaked me out that he got like that when things were going so very well.
Sure it is nothing dramatic but it still bugged me enough to not go to bed and want to post here.

I guess it just brings up alot of old BAGGAGE for me and I am uncomfortable... I told him a month ago when I went to see him and he was hard on me about my weight gain or other things " WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO HARD ON ME AND NOONE ELSE?" "YOU'LL BE DOING THIS TIL I AM 80 YEARS OLD WON'T YOU ?" AND HE SAID "yes..."
He said it is to help me grow.....
I dunno sometimes I think he is too judgemental of me more than trying to make me grow.... when he is in a receptive mood I can gently tell him @ x, y or z and when he is not there is no convincing him even if I say the sky is blue. Maybe that is just how he is hardwired. I hope he coninues to grow and keeps being awesome... I am happy but once in awhile he reminds me that I feel like I can not be free. I dare say that things are much better and he does allow me to be freer than I have been in a VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY long time and then I wonder am I free or am I just his PUPPET?
I am free... I choose to be free and I will go to bed knowing I am a good person and that I am not perfect and it is ok.
I am me and that is just who I am ... and I love myself enough to know that this is just a tiny blip compared to what I have been thru this past 12 months so why am I so why am I writing a novel?? I truly sound like a babbling IDIOT ....Any thoughts ?
God bless...