My wife and I have been back together for two months. Overall things have gone OK. I have been trying to work on the issues my wife had with me. Primarily that I have been dealing with depression for the last few years, this was her major gripe against me. I have been seeing a psychologist for 4 months now. It has helped some. I have not taken drugs (ie Prozac etc.) to do so would compromise my job and probably make me more depressed. I came close to going on the meds but did not. Some other issues she had with me were I was messy and did not do my share of cleaning around the house. I did not dress well enough for her and spent too much time with my hobbies (mostly gardening). I have been trying to address all those issues. And the changes seemed to be appreciated.
My wife’s issues that needed addressed were primarily substance abuse (alcohol and prescription meds) and irresponsible financial behavior. She seemed to be trying. The alcohol remains; she was hammered for my son’s piano recital. She was able to pull it together enough to go and not fall down. My psychologist has told me that getting substance abuse problems under control is never a straight line and most have relapses. As long as she does not endanger our son, herself, or others I can accept that road is going to be rocky. I thought the financial responsibility issue was coming along until today. I had received a substantial lump sum payment from my employer recently and my wife and I had agreed on how much would be, “mad money” for each of us to spend as we pleased.
Well my wife went through it with one purchase, she wanted a sterling silver flatware set, over $4,000. She needed my help to purchase it (ebay), and I spent a couple of hours today running around getting the cash and turning it into money orders to send to the seller. She seemed quite happy. Then a little after noon I got a call from her. She was in a car dealer and wanted me to say it was OK for her to trade in her 2002 vehicle which is in perfect shape for a new car and wanted another $17,000 to do it. I was floored. I told her to tell them no deal. Later when she got home the air between us was tense, something, especially the last few weeks that has not been a factor. I asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk it over using the technique her/our couple counselor had suggested for difficult issues. Each of us present our position, then step back and consider your partners viewpoint, try to see it through your partner’s eyes. So we sat down and I talked about how much money was available, what debts we still had, my desire to eliminate the debts, I did not say no just wait until the fall or early next year. She presented her side by showing me a picture and saying how cute the car was. And that was it.
After this she was visibly disappointed and upset. She has had little to say to me the rest of the night and would not kiss me on the lips goodnight.
There has been no yelling or fighting but things are simmering. She is upset because I did not just roll over and agree and I’m upset over her lack of self control and what I perceive as being ungrateful.
That’s what is going on tonight.
When my wife and I separated, she initiated the break up, she demanded I move out, and threw out the divorce word. I let her hate and venom roll off my back. I, “took one for the team”, so to say until my wife seemed to regain her sense and realize how painful a divorce would be and wanted to get back together. I was the one who wanted to save the marriage.
Now, here I am, with negative thoughts running through my mind. And they are my thoughts. I am thinking, Is this right? Am I a shmuck? Will she ever be satisfied or will I spend the rest of my life working to buy her stuff? Those are my thoughts and they are negative.
On the positive side, my son is happy again since my wife and I are not separated. Most days have been at least OK if not good.
So this is where I am at, lots of mixed up feelings, venting. Few things in life are easy are they?
