I hope you are able to steel yourself and gather up your emotional energy following this latest draining from your H. As for a pep talk, I think you have come a long long way in understanding that you need to guard your own emotional energy, keep it for yourself, and let H burn his own emotional fuel in his own chaotic way without you internalizing his BS, which is what it is, BS. All sturm und drang, fluster and wind.
I have seen over your posts over the many months that you are listening to your self-respect voice more and more and slowly giving her your warrior strength/will that you display in your every day non-R-based life. Good going. Don't worry. It will take time. Don't rush it and it will come to you. The good news is you are not in a dangerous environment so you can afford to grow your budding self-respect each day.:)
So many women never get to this point. And, even worse, they are getting the sh1t beaten out of them by their H's/SOs on a daily basis; some even ending up with recurrent hospital stays. And they cannot nurture their self-respect since they are too busy being afraid for their lives. They cannot detach. They have given up.
Detach from the outcome. Detach from listening to your reactionary "blurting out" inner dialogue every time H pushes your buttons. You've come a long way in catching yourself in this. Again, WTG.
IMO he is testing you and testing you hard. Then, each time you fail it's like he sticks his siphon in your boundary hole to sap your emotional well being. There are two ways I see you failing most dramatically:
1. You get angry, your brain editor goes down, and you blurt out a variation of, "That's it. It's over. I'm done. This time it's for good. Perhaps some personal low blows are hurled in his direction via hurtful words where you know his emotional weak spots are. It's now a pretty entrenched pattern with years involved.
2. You actually take off for any period of time and H circles the kids like wagons around him and shuts down into complete and total shut down. Ie, the silent treatment, sneers, thumbing his nose at your opinion of his porn, ignoring you, and devolving into full martyr mode. Getting him back into even neutral mode can sometimes take weeks.
Either way, both responses are total failures of his BS tests since you lose hold of yourself and your emotional energy and you fall into his pit with him.
It's like watching a car try to free itself from a rut. I see you both rocking your R back and forth, back and forth, and just as it seems like you're both free the tire slips and you are both left exhausted... stuck.
I can't forget H's email to you. He was being very vulnerable and scared in his own right. And definitely love there. Rock goes the car up the rut. Your decision to get rid of the truck rocks it some more and it starts looking good.
IMO his email verbalized his most terrifying insecurity, the one that all of his tests, the bed, truck et all hinge upon: that you will abandon him and his family since you have a pattern of one foot out the door threats.
Your A IMO was the equivalent of dropping a 50 megaton nuke on his biggest insecurity. Now not only have you shown the capacity that you can leave him physically but you also can leave him emotionally to another man. This is nothing short of disastrous to the psyche of a very codependent person. Worse, for a man it feels like complete emasculation. Even worse, it threatens his ultimate image of protecting his family as the leader of your household since he attaches all of his self-esteem into being the highest, best example of what a family is to your kids.
It seems to me he really has no other concrete examples in his life of his proudest accomplishments from what you've previously posted. At least nothing really beyond your M and his pride in overcoming both or your F'd up FOOs and actually reaching the outward appearance, anyway, of the all-American family pursuing its own version of its all-American dream.
This seems awfully important to him IMO. Important enough that if he should lose it he has nothing positive left to show for his life, which may tip him over the edge into full blown alcoholism if he finds himself alone... no W and no control over the on and off visitation schedule of his kids -- especially his son. Maybe this bleak future is what is fueling his irrational fears that cause him to flail around in misdirected stabs at controlling you.
Do I think he needs help? Oh yeah. Do I think your sitch is hopeless? Actually, no. But you can't go on burning valuable emotional energy on his sht tests and drama.
Something is going to shove that car out of its rut and IMO it's going to be a wake up call to him. God helps he who helps himself so they say. I don't believe those are merely jaunty little words lobbed about. Words for you, yes, but a real message to him to seek outside help understanding what he is doing to his family before it's too late.
Seems to me this will come in the form of one big MFing Heather boundary. Delivered either via major vulnerability from you or unblinking calm gravitas. I'll try to address this perhaps in another post.
All I know is if H doesn't respond in a proactive way to this final boundary, he is going to be kicking himself mercilessly in the future when it suddenly dawns on him (and it will) that his misguided efforts at control and inability to forgive you cost him the best things to ever happen to him in his life.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Last night, as I watched the season finale of the Bachelor (quit laughing), and I watched these two people declare their undying love for each other.....I had to admit that what H and I have is not love, at least not any kind of love that I want in my life.
After that was over, I was tired, really tired. I had told H we would discuss the bed thing....at this point all my blankets and stuff are still on his bed. I didn't want to see H, didn't want to talk to him. I'm still not sure what the right thing is, but I decided that the right thing doesn't depend on whether or not I force the issue of sleeping in my bed. At this point, it is his responsibility to choose the right thing. I went into the room and asked if I could speak to him for a minute. He rolled his eyes, paused his movie. It was clear he didn't want to talk. Tears came to my eyes at that point and I said 'I am quite certain that you do not love me....because if you did, you could not do this. Even the way you are looking at me now, as I stand before you....' I picked up my pillow and blanket and, consumed with emotion, I said 'This will be the last gesture I make on behalf of this marriage'. And I slept on the couch.
I didn't have any idea what I was going to do or say when I walked in there, I just did what I felt and I am happy with it because I was both vulnerable as Cobra mentioned being important, but I was also strong in that I made it pretty clear that I am nearing the end of my rope. And I very much am because I am becoming more and more confident each day that there is not much else I can do. Certainly not a whole lot more I am willing to do.
I will wait out my time and maybe I will surprise myself and my optimism will return at some point. But the common niceties that I have allowed to pass for 'trying' on his part are not nearly enough anymore. He told me this morning that he liked my pants! WTF? I was completely irritated that he was even looking at me....you threw me out of our bedroom yet again last night and today you want to imply that my ass looks good?!
For the first time that I remember, I ignored his phone call this morning. The desire to speak to him, or even the curiosity of what he had to say, was not enough to make me pick up the phone. He ended up leaving a voicmail inquiring about this weekend because there is a graduation in Baltimore we had planned to go to and he wanted to tell me that he still wanted to go and hoped I did too.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I picked up my pillow and blanket and, consumed with emotion, I said 'This will be the last gesture I make on behalf of this marriage'. And I slept on the couch.
What exactly were you trying to say in this gesture?
Quote:
He told me this morning that he liked my pants! WTF? I was completely irritated that he was even looking at me....you threw me out of our bedroom yet again last night and today you want to imply that my ass looks good?!
Seems to me from what you wrote he didn't throw you out Heather, you left....again. I know he's made comments about the bedroom situation, but you walked in grabbed your stuff and dramatically left.
I guess, and this is just my honest impression correct me if you think I'm wrong...but you walked out of the bedroom and made a statement about this being "the last gesture" to my ears (or eyes in this case) that's very much like saying "I'm done", which is similar to you threatening to leave like you have in the past. I realize I'm linking things here, but I wanted you to see my train of thought. Isn't one of the issues he's had with you in the past the fact that you keep threatening to leave?
Not bashing you upside the head, I understand being emotional...it just appears to me like you left......again.
Oh and FWIW, I don't view it as a bad thing that you didn't jump to answer his calls. Maybe it's time for a bit of a 180 with him.
I'm thinking it was a good thing that she described it as the "last gesture". How many chances do you have to give to an emotional abuser?
By the way, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach says that "rolling eyes" is the pinnacle of showing contempt for another person.
And finally, don't be embarrassed, Heather. I watched the finale of "The Bachelor", too. So glad he picked Tessa. I'm watching the post-finale wrap up tonight, too. It's a guilty pleasure of mine.
GEL, what I was saying is that I'm done making gestures to 'save' our marriage. I'm done sacrificing how I feel for the betterment of our M until I see some major efforts from him as well. And if I don't see those efforts, I won't keep trying. I still plan to get rid of my truck because I already said I would and I plan to step up that effort within the next couple weeks.
I did't mean to imply that he physically threw me out, but he made it clear he did not want me in there and that there would be dire consequences if I remained in the bed. Call it what you will, but staying would have meant forcing my way.
I'm pretty sure he understood that I did not mean I was leaving...it hadn't occurred to me that he would think that and I would feel the need to clarify but he's called about the graduation which means he knows what I meant.
I'm not leaving, but I'm done making overt gestures of trying. Just like Nops said, being finished playing on his terms doesn't mean I have to go anywhere. I will be here at least until next March and the topic of leaving, even if it's about leaving after that date, will not come out of my mouth again.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Heather - I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you about the bed. How about having it hauled away one day while H is at work and buying two twin beds and putting them in the room. Could you live with a marriage that looks like on the outside what it is like on the inside? I have considered this option for myself. You don't have to leave, you don't have to have drama and you can simply quit pretending. I know this isn't the answer but what would happen if you did it or proposed it to your H?
I am guilty of addiction to "Dancing With the Stars."
I watched the finale of "The Bachelor", too. So glad he picked Tessa. I'm watching the post-finale wrap up tonight, too. It's a guilty pleasure of mine.
Me too! All the hopeless romantics on the SSM board must "get off" on that show somehow. Lol. LFL
