Obviously your fears run deep, and for good reason. While I don't have the same history as you, I do understand what it is like not to trust. My mother was abused as a child also so I have a pretty intimate look into the fear and distrust that instills in a person. BUt we have all changed SO much as we have gotten older and wiser. Any new relationship is going to be so different because we are more aware, we are looking for different things and we have learned from our mistakes.
I know you fear not ever finding someone else--I think we all go through that--but when you think about it that fear is irrational and has no basis in reality. You must find a way to visualize what you want instead of what you fear. The fact is most people DO remarry and when there is no history of infidelity and all that crap that our WAS's have to deal with, 2nd marriages are very often better than first.
I went to a party this weekend and met some great people. A lot of them were on their second marriages and they were happy! They are doing things together--sharing common interests, loving life. Why should you, or I be any different? These are people who had children with someone else and their new marriages adapted to the new family. It's not the worst thing that can happen. In many cases, these are people that were borderline abused in their first marriages and went on to find something they never imagined possible--true and satisfying mutual love.
Meeting people like this gives me renewed hope that I will find someone. It will undoubtedly take a long time to find Mr. Right, but it will be worth the wait.
Nicola, you know how much I adored Mitch. Everyone who knew me knew how much I adored him. He was my world. I never imagined we wouldn't be together forever. He was a great love for me, and for that I am greatful. I was lucky to experience a deep love. But when he left I felt as you do--that I was the one who failed because the one person who knew me the best in the world decided I wasn't good enough to stay with. I felt so dispached and disposed and unwanted and unloved--worse, unlovable.
That's what you are feeling and I must tell you--it is a falacy. You are dead wrong and you are letting your fears tell you lies. You and I both have H's who are narcisists. They require a relationship that is a complimentary mirror--you were his mirror and what he needed to see reflected back to him is "I'm a great guy, a stud, a wonderful father, blah, blah, blah." We did that for a while--I know I did (Mitch needed to see reflected "you're a brilliant scholar, a genius who's going places...) I kind of idolized Mitch and marveled at his intellect and well roundedness. For many years, I complimented him and boosted his ego. But eventually I saw him for the mortal he was. And while I still loved and adored him, I stopped being his false "complimentary" reflection and it was exactly then that he turned away. It took years for the estrangement to be complete and for him to find someone who would reflect back to him what he wants to see, but there was nothing that I could do at that point. I loved him for who he was, not for who he wasn't and I couldn't be dishonest in my marriage.
YOu have said that your H turned away when your daughter was born. Precicely the same thing happened to you that happened to me. YOur focus turned from him to her and he didn't like not being the center of your universe. As you began to see him for the man he was and reflect that reality back to him, he began his withdrawal. This is not about you or your inadequacies Nicola...this is about your husband's inability to extend himself in a real and meaningful way to the people who care about him. This is not something that will change because it is deep within his character. YOur "what if" scenario cannot exist because you did have children, you did grow up and see him as a mere mortal and not a god, you did get real. he just couldn't take it. You believe that he could be someone else but who he was pre-children is actually the same guy he was post children--the problem is that he couldn't adjust to how family life took the focus away from him.
Why do you think so many of these guys go for younger women? The young women don't know any better. They haven't lived enough or seen enough men like this enough to know the warning signals. Most of these men are charming and so at first OF COURSE all seems honkey dorey. But you know what Nicola? Your H has SO much more baggage going into this next relationship than he had with you. There are so many more things, unpleasant things, that will slowly emerge and that his girlfriend will slowly begin to see. Like us, she will be in denial for a while. She will let infatuation blind her to the red flags she has popping up in her head, but eventually the veil will be lifted, his humanness will surface, and there will be no turning back at that point and she will stop reflecting back to him the image of the good guy, he great father and the stud and he will turn away from her as well. Because Nicola, as he has told you himself, he is not capable of real love and he cannot stand it if someone does not see him the way he wants to be seen.
Here's a link I found that tells you how to spot a "healthy man" and I think you will see that your H, as well as my H, are not "healthy" men.
Nicola, do not let your fears run your life--they will take over if you let them. YOu are totally in control of that and while I realize it must be harder in your case because of the terrible trauma you have endured, it is not impossible. Someone once told me not to make decisions based on fear--they will always be the wrong decision.
My mother had the same experience you did--not a stranger though, her grandfather (scuz bag--I'd like to kill him if he weren't already dead). Because of her bad experience as a child, she chose very poorly for a husband and she remained in an abusive marriage for 40 years (to my dad) because she was simply too scared to make a change. 5 years ago she FINALLY left my father and is happier than she has even been in her life. Of course she would like to know love (she has never experienced it) but she has gotten to the point where she is simply happy to be free and independent. She has her own circle of friends, a job that she loves, a sport that she is totally passionate about (she's a rower/skuller), a house of her own which she keeps just how she likes it...life is good when you dare to go out of your comfort zone.
Right now that's what you need to aim for. Not for anothe man in your life, but for freedom from fear. Once you conquer that demon, love, and LIFE will follow.
Nicola, I know people and I have known you on these boards for a year and a half. YOu are an amazingly strong woman and you don't even realize just how strong you are. YOu have helped people, you have been a voice of power and strength for many, you have shown people the way by example and you have SHINED. So don't sell yourself short, you are wonderful and believe you me, and I guarantee, there's a man or three just waiting for someone like you. To him, you will be perfect--flaws and all.
