Still working on happiness

[princess_nic]

COG ~

I love how you always cut right through the BS! You are so right about the wallet.

Althea ~

I've been thinking about what you wrote, although not a lot. I've actually kept myself busy today with gardening, so that's been good for me.

But you're right that this man is/was not good for me. I am still living in the land of "what if?" which is my natural tendency. I tend to live in the future, rather than the present. I see the potential; I see what could be. Now, in a R with someone who is learning and growing along with me, I think that can be a good thing. It is a quality that helps me in my teaching and as a mother. But it is not helpful when I am looking at someone who does not want to change, who is happy the way he is. Or at least, not unhappy enough to change it.

Neither of you are to blame for the fact that your dynamic made each other unhappy. Of course it's a shame, it is a loss that deserves to be mourned, but it is not the end of your life or your romantic world either, not by a long shot. I get he feeling you hate to feel as if you "failed" and that is why it is particularly difficult for you to let go of him entirely. You want to prove that this marriage is not a failure. But if you can readjust your concept of success and failure, you will free yourself. You can be an ginormous success in what you do in your life and how you handle this hardship--with grace and resolve and ultimately with total happiness and freedom.

These are such wise words, and yet I am unable to follow through on this, although I see that it makes sense. I do indeed feel like a failure for not being able to "keep" my husband. I feel like a failure for not being albe to keep my family together. Now he is with someone else and is happy, so it's not that he wanted to be alone. It was ME that he didn't want to be with.

Why would I stand? What am I hoping for? I am hoping that he will somehow become the man I know he could be. In some ways, he has changed (for the better). He is more of a family man, albeit with his new "wife" at his side. He comes home earlier from work and is a part of her family; I wish he would be a part of mine.

Althea, I am so afraid of never finding anyone else. I like the good things about being married, but I don't know how I will ever trust again. I dread the idea of starting over. I am scared that once a man gets to know me, he won't want me and I will have to go through this again. I can't do that - I can't go through this again.

I want to love and be loved; I just want to feel cherished and special and valuable. I don't think I'm ever going to have that. Maybe holding on to this M is a way of not having to face those fears - as long as I hold onto it, I don't have to date or try to meet someone else. I know that I could let him go and NOT do any of that, but I also know that it's unrealistic for me to say I'll never want a R/M again.

Why is this so hard? I so wish I could just turn off my feelings. I so wish that I could get to the other side. THat reminds me...

Patty ~

You are right about a lot of what you said. I was not continuously molested, but I was raped as a young child (stranger). I also grew up with emotional and verbal abuse, and some physical, though that was more directed at my brother.

It was VERY hard for me to really trust my husband and open up to him. I was afraid that once he really go to know me, he would leave. And you know what? That's what happened. Once I finally told him everything, he walked out. Probably a coincidence, or maybe not - because when I did tell him, I was in a crisis and he couldn't deal with it.

So the idea of starting out again with someone new is very frightening, and I really don't know if I will be able to do it. I fear that I will just end up lonely and alone.