NikkiB #15 (moving to Piecing)

[NikB]

Ourcrisis - thank you! You're absolutely right, it helps knowing we're not alone.

So... it's confession time. I finally talked about the OW/PW issue again and I'm not proud of how I did it. I guess I didn't learn my lesson last time. I thought I was giving myself a mental "break" from the issue by not bringing it up but really, I was letting it build to the point of exploding, which it did last night. Reminder to self: address things when they happen, don't let it fester!!

Although in good news, I think it's ok. In fact I admire my H more than ever for HOW he handled my tirade. Not trying to justify how I approached this but in hindsight, me HAVING a tirade instead of bottling things up is sort of a 180, I guess. I need to find a happy-medium, but I do kind of wonder if it helped emphasize to H just how important it is to me - maybe moreso than my logical "telling" him "XYZ hurts me" - he really SAW how angry and hurt it makes me.

Long post warning... partly to fess up, partly to journal, and partly as a reminder to myself in the future.
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So first some good journaling - after I went out most of the day I was feeling MUCH better last night and more relaxed, just all-around better mood (yay!). H and I were having a really nice night making our traditional "Sunday steak dinner" and watching movies. At one point I was working on dinner and H made it a point to come out in the kitchen and tell me "I really missed this. This is one of my favorite things." I said "Me too - and thanks for telling me that. I'm glad you like it so much too." Very sweet, kind, loving conversation... more of him making a really big effort, too, which meant a lot to me.

Later H alluded to the time we were separated again, and for some reason it prompted me to ask "So you're glad you're back?" (wish I could remember the context, thinking about it now what a weird question to ask, but it made sense at the time). He said "yeah I'm very glad." I said "Me too." We have talked SO little about him being gone and coming back that even though this was short, it meant a lot to me. I get these nagging doubts that he came home because of money, familiarity, fear of not finding anything better, settling, etc. so hearing him genuinely say he was glad he came back was very nice.

I also got a couple of ILYs last night. H hasn't initiated saying ILY much but on a whim a few weeks back I said it when I felt it, and he did say it back in a very sweet tone, didn't sound "obligatory." So now I do say it if the mood hits me (never "obligatory" on a call or anything though). He seems to like it, and usually says it back - often with a hug or hand squeeze. Last night it was during the movie and he pulled me over to snuggle up with him on the couch. Very nice!!

... and then, the bad.

Shortly before bed we were talking about the upcoming party and I asked what the odds were that OW/PW would be there. He said he wasn't sure but probably not. Then, I just flipped. I can't even believe the stuff that came out of my mouth. I don't even remember all of it and most of it was repetition of the same few things just phrased different ways anyway. The gist of it was "I hate that f'ing woman and what she does to peoples lives, I can't stand her, she's a disgusting whore who gets off on ruining people's families and making women feel like s**t..." and it went on and on. Seriously NOT like me, I honestly don't know where this rage against her came from because I haven't felt much of that towards her in a long time (usually it's more pity than rage).

... and then without so much as a pause... "I can't believe you still hang out with that b**ch after what she did to you and almost did to us, and after how rude and disrespectful she was to me. How can you be friends with someone who treated me like that? I'd never hang out with someone that treated you the way she treated me, it's disgusting. And yet you go out to happy hour with her, talk to her on the phone... "

I went on, and on... probably 2-3 minutes but it felt like an hour. I didn't even shut up long enough for H to get a word in edgewise. (no, I'm not proud of this at all). When I finally stopped for a minute:

H: But she's just a friend.

OMG.. I thought I was going to scream.

Me: That's bull***t and you know it. If you have to justify a friendship then there's SOMETHING WRONG. Do you think I'm stupid? All of this STARTED as just a friendship. So now you're starting again? How long before you're convinced again that you're miserable with me and moving out? And besides you already TOLD me it went too far. You don't get to start over being friends now.

H: I barely even talk to her. I only see her at the happy hour thing because it's a group.

Me: There's no reason to see her outside of work AT ALL.

H: I don't go to lunch with her anymore, don't plan to do things with her, don't really talk to her...

Me: STOP lying to me. I saw your phone bill. You talked to her for 20 minutes last Saturday. Why?

(H looked like he was fumbling and about to make excuses or tell me that I was wrong and he didn't talk to her)

Me: Nevermind, it doesn't even matter. It's disgusting, it makes me sick that you care more about being so called friends with that b**ch than you do about building a marriage with me. I don't even care if you like spending time with her, she was rude and nasty to me, I hate her, and I will not have her back in our lives. AT ALL.

H: I know you hate her but I'm not going to stop going out with friends from work just because she's there. And besides there were 5 of us. I thought before you were mad because it was only 3 of us but last week there were 5.

(...and this would be where I get fuzzy on my "boundary" because while I'd prefer he not go at all, reality is there are functions that they'll both be at due to them working together. But I don't want to turn this into "how many people were there" because it just seems stupid! Makes no sense "it's ok if there are 5 but 3 is too few" - it just doesn't. THEN I realized and brought up the next point...)

Me: But you're going BECAUSE she's there. You don't call ANY of your other friends to see who's going and who isn't. Look at your phone bill. You call her every Thursday on the way to happy hour, HER, no one else.

(H again fumbling)

Me: And seriously, you can't f*ing drink beer with anyone else or anywhere else, you HAVE to go with her, and to the place you two went all last year??

H: It's not "you two," it's not like we went on dates or something.

Me: That's not the point.

H: Fine, I'll stop hanging out with my friends.

Me: That's not the point!! The point is find other people to drink your damn Thursday night beers with.

... this went on and on, round and round in the same argument. Finally it was bedtime and I said "Forget it. I'm done talking about this. I'm not ok with you talking to her on the phone, I'm not ok with you hanging out with her outside of work. I hate her, I'm done dealing with her, done thinking about her, done having her influence MY life."

H seemed pretty taken aback (gee wonder why huh?). He didn't really reply.

(and yes, I realize that out of all this the ONLY part that needed to be said was "I'm not ok with you talking to her on the phone, I'm not ok with you hanging out with her outside of work.").

I got in the shower, he went to bed. When I got into bed he did grab my hand and held it for awhile, which surprised me. I honestly expected him to be PISSED or at least pull away from me for awhile. But today, he called while I was in a meeting and left me a voicemail that said "It's pretty windy today... call me" in a kind of fun and flirty tone. I called back and he said "So I was thinking we should go fly the kite, it's really windy out. I might get off work early, how about I go get us some snacks and stuff and we can go have a picnic and fly the kite?"

Wow...

So... I am NOT proud of what happened, but it doesn't seem to be all bad. Like I said, need to find a happy medium between "happy go lucky nothing bothers me" (while 'stuffing' the emotions) vs. "freaking out yelling screaming banshee" though.

Now I just hope it actually leads to some action on his part... we'll see.

I am not ready to take action in terms of kicking H out, moving, giving up etc. but I AM ready to go back to something more like early DB'ing if this contact doesn't stop. GAL, focus on me, make plans on my own without worrying about H's plans, those kinds of things - and I'm prepared to tell him exactly why, and "Let me know when you've cut off all non-work contact with her so we can get back to rebuilding a great M again."

Whew.

Thanks to anyone who actually read all that!!