I should clarify that the money he wanted was our mutual tax return money. It's only in my account because that is where I had it routed to on our return. We are supposed to use the money to pay for the new bathrooms, but the money belongs to both of us.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Heather wrote:"I should clarify that the money he wanted was our mutual tax return money. It's only in my account because that is where I had it routed to on our return. We are supposed to use the money to pay for the new bathrooms, but the money belongs to both of us."
Then remind him of the original plan for the money. If he is still determined, then give him his ratio half and you keep yours for other eventualities.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Well, if I give him the room back, he won't need the money.
You know, I've slept like this for a really long time and haven't liked it but never contemplated spending $4k to fix it more to my liking. I more hoped that the situation would be far too temporary for something like that....in fact I would like to eliminate the room altogether and make walk in closets out of it for each of the kids, whose bedrooms are on either side of the room. He tells me I only think of myself, but he has spent only one night in there and wants to spend $4k? Hmmm.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Long time no howdy. Doesn't mean I haven't been pulling for you in absentia.
Plus you asked for a pep talk. POOF.
So let me get this straight, I'm a little slow sometimes.
Your H has been testing your commitment to him and your R via marital bed spooning depreivation and actual physical distancing.
Yep, sounds like a pretty bass ackwards way of going about solution-based therapy.
If he keeps this up you'll be down to just bread and water and an hour in the sun in another 3 years, sweetheart.
IMO there is no end timeline for him. This goes way way back to my comment about his outside circle of friends. I know it's tiny. Still, he needs either an IC or a male friend or some other kind of outside influence (parents?) to sit him down and ask him how this setup he's orchestrating is moving you both down the path of a happy relationship and nuclear family. Hmmmm
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
As I have said many times before, I believe your H is a severely traumatized person, for whatever reason, and I think it is serious, especially if his own family can see it too, even his mother (as I recall you mentioned). I think that he completely believes what he tells you regarding commitment and the like. That does not mean his POV is true, but I think he truly believes what he sees. He is looking for any little sign as proof that you are betraying him and that challenge to his control makes him hurt, angry and ready to fight.
I think pushing too much is going to only exacerbate the situation because in his eyes the stakes are much higher and more serious then even what you see. Again, that is just how I think HE sees it. So I think he is willing to fight tooth and nail over this, regardless of the outcome. I think he sees the stakes more like a life or death situation, or at least feels like it. IMO, you and your kids are all he has and he knows it. The logic of him pushing away what he loves the most is lost on his twisted thinking and denial (sure does seem like narcissism to me). I still think the only way to get him to stand down is by going through his soft side, which means you have to show your soft side.
Like you said before, he needs to control everything. That gives him comfort. I know that is an impossible position for you to live in, but I have a hard time seeing how you are going to get to a equitable situation without him feeling secure first. I know that is scary for you, but he seems to have a history of retaliating only after he thinks you have failed him somehow. I don’t recall him ever preemptively attacking you first (or am I forgetting something).
I think he is set on “breaking” you just like breaking a wild horse. Now I know that is not good, or what he should be doing, but that does not necessarily mean he is mean or evil. It does mean he has no empathy and that he is in serious need of help. The issue is how to get him that help, or just walk away. I truly think the only for him to hear you is for you to put yourself in his shoes, as you did once. Perhaps he is seeing that you went through the motions once, and now after only a few months, your old patterns remerge (whatever those patterns may be). The only reason I can see that he would be watching for this is that he is very hurt by it.
So my message is to not escalate the power struggle, and try something along the lines of what Corri posted:
I was willing to stay open with him, and I let him know what was going on with ME so HE wouldn't personalize it. I did that for him, because he was being so patient with me.
This will be hard. But you were doing so good until the both of you slipped back into the need to test one another surrounding this Vegas trip.
PS. NOP, I am offering an alternate POV for Heather, that follows on her earlier success. That does not mean I disagree with your advice.
Heather, I honestly can relate to how you are probably feeling. That horrible sick feeling in your heart & stomach.
Also, some people may say they would have already left or would leave now, but you never know what you would do until you are actually in the sitch. My philosophy was always "you cheat, you're gone," but when it actually happened, I've put up w/ 2 EA's & a one night stand BJ. What the he!!'s that all about??
You need to just take a step back & figure out what is really going on and what you want to do about it. That could take a few days, weeks, months, whatever, but you need to be comfortable w/ what you decide to do in the end.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Heather wrote:"Well, if I give him the room back, he won't need the money."
I have already posted what I see in your situation, but I want to add to it something that I had thought about several days ago.
I was talking to MrsNOP about your situation recently, and I told her that your husband reminded me of a bully I once knew. The more we discussed your situation, the more your husband seemed to fit the pattern of a bully.
That is something that you may wish to study up on.
Conventional wisdom for dealing with a bully is to respond in kind.
Food for thought.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Conventional wisdom for dealing with a bully is to respond in kind.
I agree with this line of thinking. All the soothing in the world is not going to make a dent in his issues. He is in serious need of IC. And as one simple girlfriend to another, get the F*ck out before he breaks you even more. I can just picture you like Mojo, saying a year from now, why the heck did I stay so long? Sometimes we can't see the brutal truth until we remove ourselves from the line of fire. Maybe this is not in line with DB principles but I really don't believe any of that approach would work with your M. Get yourself some good legal counsel. This whole thread is just painful to read. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. LFL
I agree with LFL. Heather, you're beginning to sound like a battered wife. Battered psychologically, not physically, but battered. You accept completely unreasonable behaviour, lies about porn, threats, disrespect towards your parenting .... all in the name of ....what? Love? The man won't even let you pick out a freakin' bathroom faucet knob.
I'm much younger than Nob, or Cobra, and certainly not as experienced as many of those that have posted to you, so maybe they see something I don't.
I can only say that you've tried giving in for years, and it didn't work. Go, before you become a shadow of the person you really are. jmo. Take it for what it's worth, which may, in this case, not be too much.
