Thanks for everyone's continued feedback. Before I get to those responses I just wanted to tell you that I am back to "puffy eyes" right now because I just found a note from my H and really want to share it. These are his exact words and tell more of the type of real man I am dealing with thatn anything I could ever say on here
He wrote:
"Hello my beautiful wife, I know things are difficult right now. I'm sorry that things are so hard. Please believe me that I am trying everything possible to make things right again. It's definitely not easy for either of us, but I have hope that it will be better again soon. I may never be able to give you everything that you need or want, but that won't stop me from trying. There have been times where you were much stronger and committed to the marriage (obviously). I'm happy to be that person now that you are struggling. You know that it's an awful feeling, but I know how much my perspective changed over time and I hope yours will too. No matter what, I still think we are better together than apart. I truly love you very much." H
Now that is love. I'm a blubbering idiot right now. And I gotta go pick up the kids. More later. LFL
What a great note! Sometimes all we want to know is that other person is aware that there is a problem, that it BOTHERS them (at least 1/2 as much as it bothers us), and they're WORKING on it.
Well it's about friggin time you two did this LFL! I'm actually glad you lost it, it's been a long time coming. If you hadn't finally lost it and been radically honest with him you'd still be sitting in a stagnating marriage. Now at least you've hashed some things out, you've cleared the air, you've both released pent up emotions....FINALLY! I'm glad to hear it.
Thanks GEL. These cathartic exchanges we have always make me feel better, they just come too infrequently for my taste. I'd rather jump into the pit for a while and reconnect whereas he tends to resort to cave. Just typical men and women I guess. LFL
trying to shift to suppress your desires seems like it will only build resentment in you. Any shift I was thinking about is to drop the undertone of resentment that seems to affect your perception, then try a more proactive, problem solving type of approach.
Oh, I have no plans to suppress my desires. I know full well it will build resentment in me. At least I've learned something. So H just better get ready for lots of hot sex!
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Does he hang out with any male friends? Do they make the usual male sex jokes, ogle women when out by themselves, that sort of thing? Or is your H totally turned off by such male behavior? Has he been so conditioned by his complaining mother that he has come to hate men as much as she does?
Well, as much as I'd like to blame his mom for all of this I think it comes from all sorts of environmental influences. He definitely does not have friends that ogle women or tell sex jokes. They are all "good boys" who may play golf a few times in the summer, but never go out to bars and such. I know all his friends (and the wives) personally and also happen to know they are all LD. What does that tell ya? Birds of a feather flock together.
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If he doesn’t feel he is good at sex, and you don’t feel he is good at sex, then what do you think he is good at?
I could write a list a mile long, but I won't because it's apples and oranges to a degree. I need/want a fulfilling sexual life. It is low on his priority list. He can never compensate for the sex by giving me more housecleaning, income, even the love letters. I appreciate all of that. But it's just not the same. I need to stay focused on the issue. LFL
Ever thought about you and H taking a Tantric Sex class together? I mean, you both seem to love 'learning,' and he has openly admitted that he has inhibitions. Maybe the Tantric Sex class would fuel your need for adventure and something new... and help him learn how to lose his inhibitions.... and test his own sense of adventure.
Never thought about that. Is that in a group setting? I doubt he would be up for it but he did say he would do Anything. Hmmmm. LFL
Quote: At this point I'm just thrilled it's all out on the table. HD: Wait . . . I thought he smashed the table.
Well, it's now out on the smashed table. How's that?
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Anyway, keep it on the front burner, girl. His cluelessness about your feelings means that you need to stick it in front of his face and say "look at this!" to drive it home.
Oh I'll stick something in his face. It's just not always going to be my feelings. And he better "drive it home." LFL
Given you live in NY... don't know how close you are to NYC... but I think you can do it privately or in a group setting. In the group setting, I don't think everyone is getting nekkid together... think it is all clothes on stuff... but you can do it in private... all you have to do is get him to go to the first one.
Really. As a previous LD... I needed SOMETHING to trust... obsviously the two of you struggle... break the mold... just a little bit... see how he feels... have him go to the first one.... put some distance... lovingly challenge him.... kwis?
Most women are not all that reassured by the man pitching fits and vandalizing their property. Only when they've been surpressing all their emotions and leaving their wives cut off emotionally from them do they start considering such antics better than continued noncommunication. But it's not the sort of thing that will keep them happy forever.
It will if he proceeds to throw me down on top of the smashed furniture and have his way with me.
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It's not an ideal marriage where the partners trust each other to behave themselves? Or it's not an ideal marriage where the partners feel duty-bound to protect each other completely from their own emotions?
The latter silly.
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You already knew he was jealous... you were just frustrated that he was holding everything in, including that jealousy.
All too true.
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Also, after several days to reflect on it, would you say that getting an email from OM led you to reinterpret everything your H does in the worst possible light?
No, I wouldn't go that far. But it did send me in a tailspin for a while. The reality is, I have to remember that om was not a good match for me at all. Other than the sex, we really had nothing in common. So why waste my time fixating on it any longer. Boy is LFL making progress or what?
I think it comes from all sorts of environmental influences. He definitely does not have friends that ogle women or tell sex jokes. They are all "good boys" who may play golf a few times in the summer, but never go out to bars and such. I know all his friends (and the wives) personally and also happen to know they are all LD. 
What does that tell ya? Birds of a feather flock together.
It's just not always going to be my feelings. 