Thanks for the feedback. I suppose what is more clear to others than to myself sometimes is no, I am not done. I really want to be done, but there is that one part of my heart that keeps saying "maybe." There are some days, I really hate that part!
I think I understand intellectually that the journey she is on is about her, and while I can detach as much as possible, sometimes her "stops" impact me more than I want them to. I have been working dilegently over the last nine months to rediscover who I am. It is amazing, but in the process of being a couple for so long, I have learned to think of things in terms of what "we like" and what "we want" and where "we would like to go." I have gradually reprogrammed myself to allow myself to think first in terms of what "I like" and "what I want" and "how I want to spend money" and "where I want to go." What I have learned is the answers to the "we" questions and the "I" questions are very often not the same. I am finding out a great deal more about myself and at this point I know I will be able to go on and have a productive and happy life should we no longer be married. In the beginning, I very much doubted if this could occur. So, while I am not always certain of what I should do, when I stand back, I am able to see much progress in myself over the past nine months.
Again, thank you for the feedback. My heart swings daily between wanting to stand for my marriage, my wife, and the life we have created together and wanting to end the pain and suffering and just file for divorce. Like I said earlier, I think what keeps me from the later is that little part of my heart that continues to whisper "maybe" even on the days where things are the worst. I don't know how long I can continue, with no end in sight, no remorse on her part for the pain she has caused me, the casual expectation that I continue to be her source of financial support and act towards the rest of the world as if nothing is happening. Some days, I really feel like I am going to split right down the middle from the pressure.
