Your words helped me right at the beginning of understanding some of the ED issues from a male POV.
I'm not sure if your bf would be able to take this particular supplement because of his other medication. My own H had no medical difficulties other than high cholesterol which I have since discovered can be one reason for ED plus tremendously stressful job.
My H was really depressed about the ED so I ordered something called prelox from a health/vitamin supplier. It contains L~arginine which is good for blood flow and has the added benefit of reducing cholesterol. I checked with my husbands doctor first if there was any reason that he would be unable to take this and he gave the o.k.
It takes about a month to kick in and my H took one night and morning. I sold it to him as more of a vitamin supplement and so far has been working really well. Only thing I disliked about them is the pills are blue!!! The difference is that ML can be spontaneous no planning on taking an hour before or feeling like a waste of time if the partner isn't in the mood.
Obviously he would have to check with the doctor but hopefully your bf would be able to take this supplement.
It is a bit scary ML just in case things go wrong but so far I'm having a great time long may it last.
Choc If your wife sees the only problem being with you I can see how difficult it may be to resolve anything. I'm not sure if my H could really see that his own actions and behaviour caused a lot of our problems. I think he may have read some of what I wrote on this forum a while ago and started to realise that the lack of intimacy wasn't all my fault. Once he realised I did want more passion then he started to reconnect more to me and the family as a whole.
Got to dash to pick up son good luck once again to lil too.
I am told I should be kind, be loving, treat her as if we were very best friends (but not be needy/grabby).
At the same time, in reading on infidelity and EAs, I'm reading where the wayward wife gets some of what they need from each man, and so she has no need to change.
If I do not have sufficient proof of an affair, and I act like her best friend, w.t.f. WOULD she change? She gets the best of both worlds.
She told me at lunch last week that she wanted to "miss" me again, to see if she would. I think maybe I need to start now.
Choc said:"She told me at lunch last week that she wanted to "miss" me again, to see if she would. I think maybe I need to start now."
STOP PLAYING HER GAME. Disconnect from the drama.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I am told I should be kind, be loving, treat her as if we were very best friends (but not be needy/grabby).
At the same time, in reading on infidelity and EAs, I'm reading where the wayward wife gets some of what they need from each man, and so she has no need to change.
If I do not have sufficient proof of an affair, and I act like her best friend, w.t.f. WOULD she change? She gets the best of both worlds.
The idea is that once she's asked the question "would the other guy make me happier over the long run?", she can't really unask it or put it out of her mind; she won't be able to put the matter to rest until the question is answered. Because of the lack of morals needed to pursue a relationship with a married woman, the answer to that question tends to be "no", and the straying partner will be more motivated to work on the marriage after she learns that answer. Being a happier, stronger, more friendly version of yourself throughout ups the changes of that answer being "no". Being a clingy, whiny, over-controlling version of yourself drastically reduces the changes of that answer being "no".
Of course I haven't seen Nop's overall strategy, so I'm not sure how it compares, and I've never been in that position personally (knocks on desk that looks like wood and might even be wood...)
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
That's precisely my point. I'm failing to understand how long, slow, incrementalism works at least until BOTH spouses agree that the marriage is at risk, and are willing to roll up their sleeves and work side-by-side at it.
I want to know why the hell I shouldn't tell her/show her "Woman, you WILL lose me completely if you don't start showing me some effort here."
I feel like this putz, sitting on the sidelines, hoping she'll choose me. F$%# that. Until she knows that's a real risk, she is NEVER going to change, and that's the mistake I've made in between my 1st e-mail and my 2nd e-mail. I never should have sent the second e-mail!!! (The "I, for one, am still in love with you" one). My mistake has been not staying on offense, telling her "I don't know how I feel about YOU, either, and I'm not so sure I even want to stay here unless things change, and I see you making some effort, very soon. I think you will find now that I will JOIN you in that, but I will NOT do it on my own, Mrs. Choc."
But I feel like I'm playing her game now! Telling her "You look nice" (just that... nothing more... nothing needy/grabby, just a confident "you look nice"), or encouraging her when she brings up at dinner the other night that she wants to enter fitness competitions. Not only is it all one-sided (and I get ZERO from her), but she is getting what she needs from me (validation, encouragement, respect) AND she's getting god-knows-what-she-gets from OM, if she indeed didn't either end it or "back-burner" him yesterday!
You know, everyone keeps telling me how good I'm doing. The fact is, I'm not. I'm just really good at faking it.
No none is suggesting your situation remain static. It won't. Somehow, somewhere, something will blow, and trust me, it won't be long now. You'll get your chance to say all of that. When it happens, you and she better be in marriage councelling, so you can have a professional mediate, for the sake of your children if not for your own. You made an appointment, yes?
Your wife is in lala land, and she's not going to snap out of it tomorrow. See it as a science experiment. Should be interesting.
You know, everyone keeps telling me how good I'm doing. The fact is, I'm not. I'm just really good at faking it.
It's not that you're unemotional that we admire, Choc. You're not, and you don't have to be. We admire that you're a man, who finally stepped up and took control of his life. Do you realize how rare that is, in this vast ocean of people who only drift with the tide like seaweed? I've buckets of admiration for you.
You gave her "space" for years now. Look how well it has worked for you.
Now she has another man giving her all the attention that she has been wanting from you.
So, who does she choose, the guy feeding her all the attention, or the one demanding that she stop and accept the old standard. If you were her, which would be a more attractive option to you?
There is a time and a place to demand respect from her, but you haven't shown her that you are worth the effort yet.
For a time, at least a short time, you show her what she is potentially giving up (the good Choc), and her intact family.
After that, you confront with the choices. Doing it before you have established that you are the best and the right choice, will almost ensure that she makes the wrong decision.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
