I needed his trust, and I needed to know that he could, every now and then, trust me with his inner self, especially in the bedroom.
I needed his amusement, not his annoyance. I needed optimism, not pessimism. I needed a husband, not another child that I was constantly having to care for.
There. That's it.
Cemar, read that about eight million times, because it's a diamond mine's worth of insight.
So, how does Cemar get amusement and optimism back into his marriage? What specific things do you suggest, based on your own experience? Let's all brainstorm.
I didn't magically change from LD to HD, either. My same problems were there for me to confront with my boyfriend. I told him everything, up front, so he knew what he'd be dealing with, and could make a decision.
He stayed patient with me. He never criticized me. He cherished me. When I just couldn't do something... he'd give me a hug, a big dopey grin, and say... well... no big deal, let's watch a funny movie.... or go do something else... and off we'd go. He'd make me laugh, and little by little, the confidence I had lost in myself began to grow again.
I was willing to stay open with him, and I let him know what was going on with ME so HE wouldn't personalize it. I did that for him, because he was being so patient with me.
I knew he also had his own demons to deal with, and to confront. He waded in slowly as well. I didn't take his confidences and throw them back in his face (i.e., how can you be doubtful about anything, you are a MAN!). Didn't make a big production of them, but I did let him know in my own way that I KNEW he had taken a step, and I really appreciated it. Then I let it DROP.
The more I did that, the more willing HE became to open up further.
The only major confrontation we've had so far is when all that began to stop (probably out of habit and getting lazy). That's when I made MY boundary very clear.
You worded this perfectly. I could easily say the same thing about myself when I was LD.
Quote:
I didn't magically change from LD to HD, either. My same problems were there for me to confront with my boyfriend. I told him everything, up front, so he knew what he'd be dealing with, and could make a decision.
He stayed patient with me. He never criticized me. He cherished me. When I just couldn't do something... he'd give me a hug, a big dopey grin, and say... well... no big deal, let's watch a funny movie.... or go do something else... and off we'd go. He'd make me laugh, and little by little, the confidence I had lost in myself began to grow again.
I was willing to stay open with him, and I let him know what was going on with ME so HE wouldn't personalize it. I did that for him, because he was being so patient with me.
This is pretty much exactly how things went with me and the guy who helped draw me out of my LD'ness as well.
That last description made me feel like crying. Maybe that is where I have gone wrong with H. Any sign of interest on his part has caused me to grasp too hard, try to hard, push to the next level. During sex when things are "just not working out" I have been able to up the eroticism so that that strictly speaking things "worked" but maybe that has been at the cost of H's confidence....
What about you Cemar - this is your thread. Do you think you have held on too tight to the little bits of interest your W has shown? Have you pushed her instead of laughed and moved on when something wasn't working?
I REALLY believe that he needs to do this in an MC's office. Primarily because he seems to have such difficulty communicating. In an MC's office he stands a better chance of communicating clearly. CeMar sees so much in strict B&W terms, his wife probably does not...a MC can help clear up or prevent misunderstandings and teach them both how to communicate effectively with each other.
I liked all of the last posts by the former LDs. But what SPECIFIC way do you suggest he re-open the dialogue between himself and his wife?
SG, I think it would depend on his normal modus operandi.
If you're a whiner - stop whining and start asserting. If you're a withdrawer - stop withdrawing and engage. If you're a bully - stop bullying and make requests. If you're a martyr/victim - stand up for and have a self. If you're an avoider - stop ignoring things and address them. If you're an angry person - become more pleasant. If you're grabby & needy - act stronger and more self sufficient. If you're a moper - start acting alive.
It helps to know about prior interactions with the spouse so that the existing dynamic can be addressed.
