"...so I'm looking for the guy who is going to be brutally honest about how crazy he is about me pretty much all the time and how crazy he is about my hot *ss on at least a tri-weekly basis..."
We ARE still talking about a man here, right?
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Cobra there are several incorrect assumptions about me, (which is not a criticism, because you and I have core differances. You are a man of well being, and I am a man of confidance. ) Would you have listened to a sincere apology? Would you have allowed her to make it up to you? Would you have allowed her to follow the same advice you give others here in trying to repair their marriage?
What do you think? I think you forget a substantial part of my sitch. I think you may not have a full understanding of what it takes or how a woman *typically* reacts upon coming out of an affair. I think I actually did manage a reconcil, in the midst of a brand new infatuation, and then made an *error*. I didnt just say 'OUT'. My future decisions, are because, Ive BTDT, learned what I can do, and what I can handle. The vast majority of the boundaries I impose on myself, are not for my safety or well being Cobra. I neither expect nor need anyones understanding of that.
Also, I did not bring up the *Alph@ Male* concept. I elucidated on what makes it sexually appealing, after someone else mentioned it. Emulating some the the attributes is beneficial. I have not used those words for months and months, because there are also reasons I dont care for the descriptor, chief being I am not an animal. I have choice, discipline, and word. Feel free to search my posts. Im not going to belabor the other concept/content/timeline errors. So being that your mistaken on not just the content of my posts, (no big deal, there is a lot going on here) but the reality of my sitch, its not that I dont appreciate the concern, or take note of the stuff that you DO get right, its just that I dont have time to bring the issues back to reality again. OK? your growth is every bit as relevant to them as any other thread on here. Pull down the façade for just a minute and take a good, hard, honest look and think about it. I do not mean to attack. I say all this out of honest concern for you.
I believe that. We both know what an attack looks like. Because I believe that, Im going to tell you that I am actually working on the real issues, which is not the self deprecation. I assure you the arrogance is still completely intact. It started as me venting, the way I do, and turned into a way to prove a point. The ladies can be pissed at me, or just give me the point, and look for a way to get me back.
Its monday so apparently Im about to be in for it. Terror comsumes me. Im trying to figure out how to run away.
Right off the top of my head I can think of at least 3 or 4 guys who do behave this way in their relationships with women that I know, so .....pretty much all I have to do is start acting like those women (which means I have to be much tougher than comes natural to me). However, since I s*ck at withholding sex, I'll pretty much have to concentrate on the "kicking *ss to curb" part of the equation.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The vast majority of the boundaries I impose on myself, are not for my safety or well being Cobra.
OK, you’ll have to explain this to me. If the “boundaries” are not to protect you in some why, then how are they boundaries? What differentiates these “boundaries” that are meant to protect others from manipulation or control that is meant to eliminate another person’s choice?
….Im going to tell you that I am actually working on the real issues, which is not the self deprecation.
OK, care to share with us what you see as the real issue?
…its just that I dont have time to bring the issues back to reality again. OK?
Wide bandwidth does not assure compatibility. Apparently you have wide bandwidth and your H's particular idiosyncracy, was outside yours.
I wouldn't say that it was outside my bandwidth since I did do it (on multiple occasions) and I was able to be turned on by the physicality of the interaction. It just made me psychologically uncomfortable (especially given the context of my relationship). If you are really curious to find out how much of a superfreak I am, you can e-mail LP and ask her about it. I swore her to secrecy but I'll let her tell you. If you don't agree that less than 1% of the female population would be able to do it than I'll downgrade my bandwidth rating to semi-wide - lol .
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
In all the time they've been here, they've both always been open about what they did wrong in their R's and how they would do things differently. In fact, bf has said many times that the alpha male business came about *after* his wife's A...as he was learning what his role was in the whole catastrophe, etc.
I see them as two people who have learned (and are still learning, as we all are) a thing or two about male/female dynamics and share that with others. I'm not sure why that comes across as hypocritical to you..? After all, you do the same--preach about FOO all the while not having resolved your own FOO issues fully.
Well, its strange that women often dont believe my honesty. You totally have that backwards. I take great pains to do no harm. The women that dont matter a tuppance, are quite safe from ever encountering anything viscerally hurtful. Since I am judged by my actions, not my feelings, looking at my hurt leached out here, is not an acurrate representation of what others saw. Much like I said to LFL. Her emotions may flipflop wildly here, but her IRL actions deserve a whole differant level of respect. Shes certainly no paragon of virtue, but if you had seen me eat x alive like a struggling bleating gazelle, right when she found her bunny again, you would be not be differing with me about this. thats why my personal boundary is if she commits marital infidelity, she is OUT. [snap]*poof* boundaries are not always for ourselves.
I think we misunderstood each other, because that's exactly what I meant. I don't worry at all for the one-penny women. I'll take your word for it that you're a charming and attentive lover and companion, who knows how to appreciate all their moments of glad grace, generously overlooks their faults, and rides off into the sunset under a flurry of misty eyes, waving handkerchiefs and happy memories.
I worry for the girl who matters, and who'll bash her head against that brick wall you call your principles, in matter how enticingly covered in ivy. Because that's inevitably what will happen. I think, deep down, you no longer respect women, because one broke your heart, and because you now figure they are fickle creatures at best, always re-acting, and unable to hold on to their own principles and morals in face of a man who does - nothing. You believe they must be placated, and lead, and kept from vaccillating all over the map, and you're tired of it. I also think that you cling to that explanation because it's a really convenient "out" for any responsibility you might have for the break-up, and you will subconsciously seek to re-create it in your next relationship, for if she proves you wrong you would
a) either really have made a stupid choice last time (can't have that)
or
b) actually learned something that helps keep this R on track, which means your actions probably also contributed to what happened in your previous R. (Especially can't have that)
Quote:
Its all perception, and Id much rather enter a marriage with someone who has their eyes open, which only comes from experience, then some clueless 'innocent' liable to self destruct on ignorant drama. Besides for the most part, they just stand there frozen with deer in the headlight eyes when I am around them. not very scintilliating.
This is actually a really mature statement, and it gives me more hope than anything else you've said. But no woman on the face of the planet will always "chose you" no matter how much you abandon her emotionally. If, as the director of a symphony, you hear a dissonant, and instead of telling that player to leave you in fact tell all other players to stop playing, and then go sit in the audience to watch the lone bad player play all by himself ...how likely is it that you'll ever hear pretty music again? And how likely is it that the audience will hang around to listen?
The next girl may not have an affair, but she may leave your a$$ if you do that to her. Which, if you have kids, is no picnic either.
Find one that's smart, has some life experience, and is willing to work on her relationship. Then go amd make her happy. You can, you know.
Oh, and if you find her? Don't patronize her. If you do, she'll kick your a$$ before leaving. *extremely friendly smile*
Because I believe that, Im going to tell you that I am actually working on the real issues, which is not the self deprecation. I assure you the arrogance is still completely intact. 
