I'm new to posting, although I've been lurking in the reading shadows for a couple months now.
My sich: H announces in January that he's done - that we had a good run but he can't stand the idea of a future with me and he's out. He had moved out some things without me knowing and so that day left to stay with a friend/colleague. No OW, no overt anger, just quits. I was floored. I knew things had been less than wonderful for a number of months, but I really never expected this. Now we are four months and counting into a "civil" separation -- still no tantrums or accusations - really - no OW, no extravagent living, although with all of the stress, H could be in MLC. He comes every day to pick up the boys for school, but ventures nothing remotely suggesting reconciliation with me - no talk beyond short responses about day's schedule, no accepting anything from me, no hints at love in the midst of the kind civility. Truth be told, we can't afford to divorce without throwing everyone into financial chaos, so H agreed to call off any D moves for a year while I get my head around things and we get finances into better shape. I found DR and DB early on, along with about every other book out there, and have been trying the LRT like crazy. Trouble now is reading too much; I have moved from analyzing him to analyzing me and I keep feeling like I missed my chance, that there are so many things I didn't do. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm angry and why not but I'm not - I hurt too much for him and me. I'm better than I was before, but... Both H & me are in IC, and S2(13)is too; S1 (17) will go after school gets out (anyone know any good 4 for the price of 3 deals on Cs? ) We tried MC for a few weeks but C didn't help and H decided he had had enough - probably ended for the best since H wasn't ready. I've lost 30 lbs and everyone but H says I'm looking good, and I'm not sure how to proceed with being loving & detached. I've seen on posts suggestions about refinding the me that H fell in love with, but she was just barely 17 and I don't think I want to be her even if I could be. Some positives from H come and go, but I was wondering how others deal with the remorse and sadness of lost chances?
Basically, you can't dwell on the past. It is SO HARD. I catch myself thinking of all the times I could have started 180's and didn't (I didn't know that's what they were necessarilly, just could have made changes and didn't for my own selfish reasons). But you just have to think positive and look to a bright future. Will my future be as bright without my wife, not for a while, but it can still be bright. Then, you work on yourself, make yourself the person YOU want to be. then you pray like your knees were glued to the ground and get the help you need from above and maintain hope and faith. At least then you know you have someone on your side.
Believe me, I an right there with you in the same boat. Just show your husband your happy side, try to be his friend, and let him make his changes. It could take a long time, you'll find people in here that have been at it for years. I'm amazed at that, but it happens and there are success stories.
Good luck, I hope you get your miracle!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
And prepare yourself ...I know you mentioned several times "no OW"...I said the same thing...actually many of us have...and for your sake I truly hope that is the case...but my biggest shock was not my H saying he was done and leaving...it was several months later finding out there really was an OW!!!
Aside from that...make what changes you feel are good for you as a person...become the best person you can be...H and I did the MC thing but like yours, he wasn't ready...eventually he moved away and then after about 18 months apart with me working like crazy to become someone that "anyone" would want to be with...he came back to town and eventually we rekindled things...I won't say it was like before because like you again...I was 15 when we met and I don't want to go back...but I have learned how a new me is really better for everyone...and the me I am now I am very happy with...I don't feel I did this for H...but I did it for me...
Hang in there...this could be MLC...and if so it will likely get worse before it gets better...
Thanks imLin and JRyan - Even with the positive changes that I think I'm making -- GAL, learning to let go of controls, etc. -- these down times just don't seem to go away. I have so many things to be thankful for - great friends, wonderful kids, etc. -- and yet sometimes I'm just so tired of the changing.
And while I know it seems potentially naive to say no OW -- I've wondered a few times myself -- I lean toward the fact that H seems more depressed than anything, if that makes any sense, and that even my more suspicious friends agree that H doesn't act like there's an OW. He said once early on that the reason he wants a divorce is because then he could try out being intimate with someone else. Nothing like having a former Catholic altar boy with ACOA issues for a WAS! Still, I hear your words of caution, imLin.
I'm alone at home for the first time since H left - S1 is camping and S2 is sleeping at H's place - so that's given me the courage to post, and you both helped tonight. Onwards to tomorrow (and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace...)
This morning came and I find myself both positive and depressed; who knew such mixed feelings could come in the same moment? Maybe I should thank my H for all of the new experiences he's given me.
Do any of you find it difficult to balance the walk between becoming the new you, that person exorcised of demons who anyone might love and want, and knowing that you are a good person anyway and that the only reason you are doing any of this is to attract the attention of the one person you aren't supposed to be changing for?
I keep thinking that I love my H -- and that I have loved him and have known him for more of my life than I didn't -- but that I also know of so many wonderful second marriages and I wonder if I'm being short sighted. And as soon as I say that I want to scream and shake myself.
To give myself something positive to think about: 1) couple days ago, H mentioned that the thought of dividing up our belongings is too depressing to think about 2) H asked me to tell him more of how & why I had been worrying about S2 the morning after he couldn't talk on the phone - "I want to know how you are doing..." 3) H has been a bit more warm when talking, vs. the usual cool detached distance thing most times.
It's only been four and a half months ... and I know this can go on for ages ... how do you all do it?
Anned....I do remember those mixed feelings...I was in a real pickle when H left...you see we had moved in with family because his real estate career wasn't taking off...we had pretty much had to sell everything we had to live...then to top things off just months before he left (but well after he planned to)I lost my job of 7 years...
So I decided to embark on a new career that presented itself from contacts at my former job...School Bus Driver...now that in itself came with many hurdles...too many to go into now...but one thing that was pointed out was the need for "special needs" bus drivers...I sat in class thinking to myself "NO WAY...I can't deal with all that depression, those poor kids, etc." Guess what???...I would not change it for the world!!!...I learned some very important things that really helped me during this most depressing time of my life (I was 15 when H and I met/dated and 42 when he left me)....
1)I really did have so many things to be thankful for....Healthy children being one major one... 2)These kids weren't depressing and didn't need my pity! 3)These families had every right to gripe and complain yet they came out to the bus everyday with a smile...HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
With my new exposure I was able to really really start seeing that even though my H had left me, I had financial struggles, I had never supported the family (with the help of my adult D's I do now), I had so many many many things to be greatful for...thus started my road up....
Quote:
Do any of you find it difficult to balance the walk between becoming the new you, that person exorcised of demons who anyone might love and want, and knowing that you are a good person anyway and that the only reason you are doing any of this is to attract the attention of the one person you aren't supposed to be changing for?
Yes you are a good person...and you always were...that is not the problem...this is what I think happens in our situations...we get comfortable!...I think it is that simple...and that complicated...we get comfortable with things and STOP changing as we might if we weren't comfortable...and since our H's aren't comfortable they are changing and when we don't meet up with them in this they just start bouncing wildly like a pin ball....so you aren't changing because there is anything wrong with you...but more that you are catching up...and yes, someone else might be quite happy with the "you" that are now....or that you were then....or that you will become...it just so happens that our H's in their own confusion need change...and believe it or not...even those these changes aren't necessarily dramatic...not like we were wicked witches..they do help us to grow and improve...because we all know there is ALWAYS room for improvement...just stay true to who you are and you will be fine...
I filed for D twice...yes, I went through a whole range of emotions and knee jerk reactions that looking back weren't really necessary...I did start to think that I was better off finding someone new who would love ME for ME...but what I found in that (I only talked and we met for a weekend, kept separate rooms, hugged a few times but never kissed) was that my heart was not really ready to open up to another...I had to tell this wonderful man that I had come to know that I was not over loving my husband...thank GOD he understood...but it still hurt him which made me resolve to NEVER seek out another until I was totally DONE...DIVORCED
As for your alter boy...my H gave no indications to me of OW because she didn't live close by...after he left he made a few "business trips"...I never had a clue...he said he had no interest in another relationship, it was wrong, we were still married, that would be adultery, blah blah blah...even as I faced him with the proof he said he didn't do it because there were so many diseases out there he would be stupid to sleep with someone he didn't know...well guess what...when I called and talked to "her friend" I got the proof that he couldn't deny...and he finally admitted it...and he admitted that it was all "unprotected"!!!....so you just never know about a mixed up man who could be in MLC...
I can tell you that no matter what it doesn't mean it is over...yes it hurts worse then any hurt you have know...and you ask how we last so long...one day at a time...I literally thought I would go out of my mind at times...I am a very physical person...very social...so I had to really busy myself..and I dug in...it is like the marriage version of Survivor....Out Play, Out Wit, Out Last!!!
....and I won my marriage back...but this time things are going to be different...we have been together now for just over a year...things are still improving...and coming up...it is a challenge...but I feel the love in my heart...and from H that makes it all worth it!!!
Lin -- You are an inspiration! My sich came about in the midst of change too, although not quite so much as your own. My H has been a prof at the local college for 15y, but the past few have been incredibly pressure filled. I was teaching part-time at the college for about 10y, and after beating my head against that closed door - the department I would be in just didn't want to try to get a full-time position I could hold - I decided to go to the local Library. A great switch, but I come from a long line of profs & Ph.D.s and as much as I knew the change wasn't a failing, I struggled with the fact that my H had the job I had thought I'd have and I had a job few people saw as equivalent. 4Y later and I've learned alot from being at the Library, but in the meantime, I know I struggled with grieving what wasn't - maybe even my own MLC - and wasn't always there for H's needs. I guess we both were not there for the other one. (Thus some of the remorse of this thread's title...)
Add to this a decision to build our dream home (What were we thinking???) - and overextend ourselves financially! - and that our boys are getting ready to fly the coop and get their own lives, and all that had begun to crack in our M for my H just broke. (maybe it was R-fatigue since during our M we had weathered parent alcoholic deaths, sib suicides and S2 congenital heart defects - these last couple years were just too much?)
I know that what I'm doing now for me -- IC, working on refinding my self-esteem, taking a job at the U 20 miles away -- are all important steps and that I am a better person for them (maybe some day I'll even be able to exist without anti-depressants!). I am learning to let go of anxious control and to just live one day -- instead of worrying over years -- at a time. All of these things I know make me grow and get me beyond what I had let become a rut.
I have many good days now -- even S2 noticed and mentioned to his C - and in general, I find I can hold on without too many nailmarks on the cliff edge, but there are times when I just wish that we could time travel back and be where H & I were when things were good. I know that what we might be able to build - if he ever does come home - will be even better, but there are days...
Anyway, I'm glad you and the others are out there. I have amazing friends who have been here to help and listen, but sometimes no one completely understands who isn't walking this walk. (It seems that my friends and family have either all successfully negotiated D to a new M or are in happy long-term Ms - neither of which I'm at).
This morning has come in warm and sunny and I'm feeling strong. A question, though:
I'm trying to find "me" in these postings, and I wonder what it means if H is not angry, not aggressive, not off-kilter or wild with money, not doing much of anything besides letting this cool, detached separation become status quo? He's treating me as if I'm a nice aquaintance, a neighbor -- what I'm supposed to be doing with him. He's working on serious things with C - so maybe that's what's happening - but it feels almost as if we're just in the midst of a stand-off -- with him deciding to sit tight until I agree to end the M? Have any of you been here and did you do anything dramatic to change the interaction or did it work best to just sit and let the time pass? Any thoughts on a good 180 to try?
At this point...since it is early in to all of this I would sit and let time pass... If he is working with a C on deep things this could very well be the reason for his actions (or lack of)... I have read of other MLC who acted a lot like WAS's...this doesn't change what it is you need to do...which is GAL...work on your own improvements as you see them...and take care of the family...
And so I keep going. This Friday H is being honored for 15y at his job. I asked him if it was ok to show up -- other times I have done things that seemed obviously ok and then later had him accuse me of "ruining" whatever it was -- and he said yes, but he wouldn't feel comfortable about having me approach him afterwards -- too many questions to answer. In the end, I decided to not attend. Too much baggage and I don't need that.
My boys are both responding with incredible maturity - or so it seems. Even so, they are going to meet with a C for at least a couple times. I hope that if there is more than they are showing, they will let C know. We'll see what tomorrow brings...
) We tried MC for a few weeks but C didn't help and H decided he had had enough - probably ended for the best since H wasn't ready. I've lost 30 lbs and everyone but H says I'm looking good, and I'm not sure how to proceed with being loving & detached. I've seen on posts suggestions about refinding the me that H fell in love with, but she was just barely 17 and I don't think I want to be her even if I could be. Some positives from H come and go, but I was wondering how others deal with the remorse and sadness of lost chances?
Still, I hear your words of caution, imLin.
