Wife hits me.....need help....

[~Sol]

I had a good "talk" with my W. Not really R talk but more getting to her issues with depression and wanting to buy things, go places like Florida, when there is no money to do so. It is a BIG sign that she is going through another major depression phase. She hates her job, makes me the scapegoat even though I do own up to my faults after our talk, but she was just pointing the finger at me, but this time I didn't point back. I validated a little, but I flat out told her - "you need to get to a professional doctor and a therapist for your depression" That's as far as I went, and the rest of the time I tried to let her be.

I hope she sees that I care about her enough to bring this up. Maybe we are due for a little vacation away from here - but the LAST thing I wanna do is take our "problems" with us on a short vacation, ya know????

So that's essentially what happened tonight. Wife got emotional when I pointed out she needed to "fix herself" - especially after last Sundays drama and me being her punching bag while daughter was watching.......I am just at the point to do whatever it takes now. I have my own issues, yes, about not being happy. Well, I think my W tops my issues by a landslide....

I can't tackle our M problems and her own problems at the same time.

[Aud31]

I can't tackle our M problems and her own problems at the same time.

This is absolutely true Sol. Sometimes working on our relationships seems like trying to fix an engine while it's running--so many parts are moving, how can we possibly zero in on any one thing long enough to fix it?

One thing is for sure: change yourself and the dynamics change. You've made progress in doing some things for yourself, and granted, there is a lot of drama in your interactions with your W, but you still need to focus inward and find peace in YOU. Regardless of any outside sitch. You need to love Sol for who he is deep down, and feel at peace with your worth as an individual. Once you find that, you'll find that you can choose your actions and reactions involving your wife from a place of calmness and power (true loving detachment). And that will make all the difference.

Sounds simple. It is, but it's elusive--life throws so many distractions at us. It's there waiting for you. Be the hero.

((hugs))

[~Sol]

Thank you Aud, what you said finally makes sense to me. I know others have said it before, but it hit me.


You are so right...........

[kml]

I didn't forget about abuse - that's why I put in this part:

Now some marriages may be so awful that the kids are actually happier with their parents divorced;

I do think, though, that there's a difference between abuse, and a one-time incident of a mentally distraught spouse lashing out.

The way i read it, she asked him very specifically for one thing for Mother's Day. He didn't get that, and she felt unloved as a result. She went a little nutty with the pain of feeling rejected and lashed out at him. Not appropriate by ANY means, but that alone doesn't establish a pattern of abuse.

Now, if she threw boiling water on him or hit him with a frying pan and caused serious bodily injury - he should have filed a police report and gotten him AND the kids out of there. The other extreme is she just flailed and slapped him. Depending on where the truth lies along that spectrum, the answers are different.

And if she IS abusive, WHY would you contemplate leaving to find your own happiness and leave your KIDS with the destructive person????

I'm just saying, the kids need to be the number one priority, nOT the personal happiness of the parents. What's best for the kids obviously depends on the nature and extent of the abusive behavior.

Ellie

[whatisis]

kml, sadly the violence isn't a one time thing with Sol's W but I am in complete agreement, the kids safety is #1!

[~Sol]

W has lashed out physically at me before, and has damaged my own property. Yes, I have gotten abusive also, but all I did was slam doors in the past out of frustration (I was raised in an abusive home), then I left the house. I always leave for a while when it gets to that point.

These days, I control my abuse (anger) and just do something different. W is the one that gets violent.....she gets hysterical now when she gets upset....and projects her anger at me.

[~Sol]

Quick update.

I am working on trying to get my W to go to counseling/church...whatever it takes to get to the core issues. I can't do this alone anymore, and I am giving her alternatives....trying to be loving, not angry....

I don't know why I still still have divorce in the back of my mind, but if we don't get our issues worked out in a safe and professional setting, with other people involved, our M will just be the way it is....unsat.

Yesterday I visited a good friend from the navy and met his family. They are all Christian, and he exemplifies what a loving family is like with God in the center of their lives. They prayed with me.

[Aud31]

I am giving her alternatives....trying to be loving, not angry....

\o/\o/\o/ This is the only way you will see real results Sol. What is the old saying? You'll catch more flies with honey...

if we don't get our issues worked out in a safe and professional setting, with other people involved, our M will just be the way it is....unsat.

Your W certainly has issues that need to be addressed...just don't forget that pulling it all back together requires 110% effort from you too, and that the biggest part of this is finding the strength and doing the hard work to change the ways you react to W's tactics. Tread lightly here Sol--she may need to see some real changes on your part before she feels safe/strong enough to even want to work on herself. Your failure to change keeps feeding the current dynamic--the vicious cycle.

Also, while you most definitely need to be aware of how her issues are affecting your children and your R, focusing all your attention on HER issues has and will continue to distract you from focusing on your own.

I know it's hard to remember those things when you feel like you're being used and abused, but somebody has to step up and stop the cycle. You've already dealt with a lot, you're strong enough. Hang in there--I'm praying for you and hope that everything works out for the best.

[lovelyolive]

Hi Sol.. I think that what Aud said is key - your W needs to feel safe enough with you to work on herself. It's scary for her to admit to needing to make changes let alone actually do it. We ALL know how hard it is to make changes. Take care...

[MuddleThrough]

Also, while you most definitely need to be aware of how her issues are affecting your children and your R, focusing all your attention on HER issues has and will continue to distract you from focusing on your own.

Excellent advise here, Sol. The things in our partners that most affect us are usually issues that resonate with us. The specific problems we see in our spouses are usually issues we are in denial that we have ourselves (or are otherwise struggling with personally). One of the most profound things I got from DB (I forget which book) was to build on the positives. I think this is applicable personally as well as to the relationship. Focus on your strengths, focus on being loving, etc., and avoid being problem focused. Keep at it and try and focus more on what's in your power. What she does doesn't make or break your relationship - what you do does.