Afterall..... This IS my life V

[heatherg]

Well, I'm back from Vegas. I've had not very much sleep in the last two days. Don't have much time to post, but I wanted to say that I slept in my bed last night. H did not do any of the semi-abusive stuff to get me out, but he asked me 'are you sure you want to do this?' and he said he'd never sleep in the bed again. Then today he told me he's done, he still doesn't want a divorce but he wants to go back to riding in separate vehicles, etc.

He told me that sleeping in the bed was a sign of my commitment, that he wanted to see commitment from me before he would accept me back in the bed. I said likewise. I realize that I've been all over the board with staying vs leaving, but there are other elements of commitment as well and he hasn't scored very high on any of those himself. I told him it wasn't fair to berate me for lack of commitment when he wasn't committed either. Lying to me, doing things behind my back, taking things off the table for discussion are just a few of the very recent examples that he lacks commitment just as much as I do.
I took his hands, asked him to just stop all of this. Put his ring back on, come to bed and let's be married. But he wouldn't. I left a note on his pillow that said I love you. Then this morning he told me that he was done, the bed thing was pretty much it. He said the difference between him and I is that I think we're done every other week and this is the first time he's really felt that way.

I know it hasn't been easy on him that I've contemplated leaving for so long. I've tried to tell him that I've never ever wanted to leave HIM, it's always been about trying to escape the way he's treated me or the way our R was. I've given my temptation to run some deep thought and I've come to the conclusion that if I felt more heard in our R, more able to influence the direction of things, my desire to run would not be so prevalent. In the past, I've tried to tell him my feelings and I was always told I was crazy, stupid, etc. Things got laughed away or ignored....the porn is a great example. My feelings don't seem to matter so contemplating leaving is the one thing that makes me feel in control. It isn't all about leaving him, it's about feeling like I have some control over my life too. The parts that were about leaving him were more about self respect than wanting to get away from him...I've always, always loved him but just didn't feel like I had any dignity left. He has been asking me lately, whatever happened to me just wanting to get back in the house after I cheated, I told him we could sleep in separate rooms, etc. I did say that.....I guess I just thought we'd be able to fix it. I never meant to give the impression that I would happy sleeping in separate bedrooms forever....it's hard for me to even believe that he honestly thought I was proposing that.

He never responded to my email I sent while I was gone, I felt like I reached out to him, tried to show my vulnerability when I told him he broke my heart. But he never even responded. It's always about me, what I've done wrong, etc. He still hasn't really stepped up to the plate for his responsibility...he says he has no idea why I've filed for D in the past he thinks he's consistently been 'there' and he hasn't changed so he has no idea why I've been up and down.

Things don't look good. I'm exhausted.