You did the right thing. It sounds like his little tantrum is messing with the fantasy of getting divorced and still having you as a friend and probably a "piece" on the side.
Let emotions calm down. You don't need to think about him right now. Concentrate on the kids. You need to be the mature one and keep the family intact. Detachment is so that you can stabilise your own life and then if he comes out of his fog he'll see that you were there all along.
Just because he makes you sick today doesn't mean it can't be fixed. You just need to not think about him for awhile. Focus on the kids and make their time special during this turbulence. You're doing fine, better than some and I applaud you taking the step to get outside help when you saw things going pearshaped.
Now, what are your goals and what are your plans for the week. Let's not hear anything about the H and his skank for awhile. What are you going to do for you the next few weeks?
Sorry, haven't been online the last few days, but have been thinking about you.... it's funny people you don't even really know can enter your thoughts and you can worry about them. BTW, I have been wanting to go to Florida for two years and haven't been able to either... so don't feel too bad... but do try to do something to make your birthday special. And because you don't know the area where you live right now, why not try to have lots of "discovery adventures" with the kids. Get out a map and plan to visit different places locally to see what it's like. Get a picnic together and make it sound like the funnest adventure on earth!!! You guys will have a great time. Also, when I didn't have a cent last summer I took myself and the kids to lots of fairs and events (free ones!) I know here in California everything seems to be starting up this month. Strawberry festivals, Greek Festivals, etc... Those can be inexpensive and lots of fun. Take the kids, take photos, have an awesome time (and send photos to the dumb hub so he can see what a great time he's missing with his pubescent "daughter" grrrrr!).
I remember having lots of stomach aches and feeling sick about my husband (the good thing about this is I couldn't eat, lost weight and everyone started telling me I look AMAZING!!! So.... sadness and depression can have it's benefits... so the moral of the story is don't eat!). Use that feeling to your advantage.
As far as your own lawyer taking care of everything! Wow, how nieve is your husband???!!!!! Mine would have never gone for that because if you are paying and your lawyer is working for you, you will come out ahead. Your husband will get the VERY short end of the stick. That's actually a very good place to be if you do get divorced. I realize you don't want to go there (I never did and and tried to make my divorce last as long as possible even though that meant I had to worry about money as well...), but you have to look at all sides of the situation.
Why does he get the TV? Is this an extra one? Don't let him take anything but his clothes, personal junk, and photos of the family (memories!!!). Let him pay for new stuff (heck, let OW buy it!!!). I'm glad you had a police officer get involved. He has been invading your space way too much at this point. You have a right to have some down time (or to go "dark" for awhile). If he needs anything let him know you will leave it in a box on the front porch and he can pick it up at such and such time (and choose a time when you aren't there).
There was a time I wanted little contact with my husband too. It is disrespectful of him to push himself and OW on you. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself. You have been kind and patient and if he can't allow you space you are entitled to be a little forceful about it. Actually, I think that might be a 180 for you. It shows some strength. I'm sure it gave him something to think about! He wants this pretty, "everything is hunky dory" situation and you are standing up for yourself. Good for you!!!!
Now try to stay calm and cordial... but hold onto those boundries.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thank you all for the advice. i really appreciate it. i can feel myself backsliding and i just need to get myself back on course some how. with him moving in w/ow last week and what happened on friday w/the police and the things he said, i had a really bad weekend. pretty much to the state of mind i was in when he moved out. so now i just somehow need to get myself back on course.
me-30 h-38 m-11 yrs s-6 s-7 ss-13 h left-april 21,2007 found out of ea april 1, 2007
is there anyone else here where your s is living w/the op? since my h has moved in w/ow ifeel as if i have no chance of getting him back. neither one of them are d yet and they are already talking getting married. i feel as if there is no chance of getting my h back now!
me-30 h-38 m-11 yrs s-6 s-7 ss-13 h left-april 21,2007 found out of ea april 1, 2007
EmtnRllrCstr is right, statistically speaking the chances of their relationship actually working out is extremely low. In fact, this situation could eventually teach your husband a very important lesson in appreciating you and how having a "trophy girlfriend" isn't all it's cracked up to be. It may be she's much more high maintanence, flirts a lot with other guys, there's all sorts of possible negatives and now he'll get a chance to deal with those.
And actually them moving in together is probably the best thing to "test" their ability to live together, get along, deal with the reality of the situation, etc... It's no longer two people only showing their best sides to each other. When you live together the ugly stuff comes out. Maybe she's grouchy or gassy in the morning, maybe he leaves the toilet seat up in the middle of the night.... I'm sure he wasn't perfect to live with, but you both had history together, kids and had probably gone though a lot of good and bad over the years. You had time to build a relationship. And you put up with his bad qualities and moodiness (I'm sure he had his moments. Don't tell me he was perfect!).
Anyhow, don't worry if he's coming back or not. Would you really want him back at this time? I know you think you do, I remember wanting my husband back so badly, but I also began to realize that I wanted him to want me back. I wanted him to learn that what he had was pretty good and the only way for him to do that was to experience something else. Not a pleasant thought, but important at that time. I didn't want him thinking "what if" about OW and wondering if she might have been the better choice. I wanted him to get her, and the idea of there being something "better" out of his system. Otherwise, I figured it would just happen again.
You really have to stop worrying about your husband (I know it's easier said than done!). Read, self-help books, maybe get involved in your community (what better way to make friends and get to know people!). By the way, if you do find yourself feeling very anxious, depressed, sad and obsessing about all of this, you might want to consider going to the doctor and inquiring about low dose antidepressants. This is something I never would have considered for myself, but at one point I decided to look into it and went on something like 5 or 10mg of celexa. I'm generally very antidrug, but this ended up being a good decision. It did seem to help me focus more on myself and be more positive about things. Even just a little bit took some edge off during a very difficult time in my life.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Weirdly, my relationship with my husband is probably closer than it has ever been. I think he does appreciate me more than he ever did and I also think when you make it through extremely difficult and challenging events it can sometimes strengthen a relationship. Maybe it's like when you break an arm.... it resets, heals and ends up stronger.
But really the best thing I learned is I'm much stronger than I used to be. By really letting go of my marriage and having to create a life for me and the kids without him I finally learned I'm much stronger than I ever thought. I CAN live without my husband and eventually be happy. I love him, would miss him, would be completely devistated for awhile, and would always choose to be with him (we've been married forever, he's my best friend and the father of my kids)... but I can heal and move on... and I'm not going to be angry and blame him for his choices. I love him enough to want him to do what's best for him. He gave me good years, two great kids and a nice life. Yeah I'll be sad and a little angry ("catty" about any woman he dates!), but I know life can still be good. It's a really great feeling to know I can do that. I have friends, reach out to others, life is an interesting adventure regardless of the road...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Isn't it a awesome feeling when you finally have reached the point where you are right now? My sediments exactly!!! It makes moving a whole lot easier and thats why I can sign my D papaers today and give them to my H (who now acts like he' not sure about it)!!
