welcome to my nightmare

[Dr LOve]

My old thred has been locked. I'll make a link when I figure out how.

Question.. I am trying to detach but....and that's a big but... Part of the problem my W said she has with me is that She feels that she is always the one that takes care of every thing. Makeing appts, reservations, getting our son shoes Ect.

So I am doing these things now. It seems the oposite of detaching but is seems to be making things beter. It's like she wants to be taken care of.

anybody want to weigh in on this?

[imLIN]

Detachment can mean different things...not all of them are external...for you it might mean that inside you have to let go of the emotional stings that cause you anxiety...but at the same time reach out to assist where you KNOW you are needed...where she has expressed she would like help...this is still detaching in a sense...it just isn't on the outside!

Take care....Lin

[andyv]

Husband,

Lovingly detached? Still do the things you used to (re family responsibilities), still be the considerate person you were.

The detaching part is from your W and what she is doing.

It has been working for me and my W, but my problem is the backsliding every couple of weeks. It sort of negates the positives.

[3K451]

If it works, then do it!

Andy makes a good point...detaching is not the same as having no communication or blanking out on someone. It's just not allowing them to bother us or ruffle our feathers when our chains are yanked...kind of getting a new reaction to old tricks...

[Dr LOve]

I think it is working. My W was saying how busy she was going to be this weekend taking our son to get shoes. I told her I can take him. (I was a little nervous doing these things because if anything goes wrong it’s my fault, like my son forgets his jacket at school. It’s my fault) Anyway we went and had to go to two stores until we found she’s he liked and when we brought them home there was no problem. (Yet).

My W and I went out on a date. (Played some pool) sat everything was nice. We both laughed and had fun. No hand holding or kissing but we had fun.
I did (with the recomendation of a friend) send her a short letter in the mail (we are still living in the same house). Thanking her for our first date and hoped we can have another. Where I may have blew it. (But it sounded good at the time) was I used her maiden name.
I guess I’ll find out in a day or two

Next Saturday I am going out without her.

[imLIN]

Maybe you can get the mail?....or say something corny like "It seemed like when we had first met...and that was your name then!"...of course you need to laugh like it was hystarically funny to you....if she doesn't laugh...just say "I guess you had to be there."

[runningoutoftime]

Detaching is not necessarily physical, it's more emotional. I did really nice things for my husband during our separation that might be considered a bit overboard... like leaving him extra cookies or brownies when I baked stuff (saying they were extra and figuring he might enjoy a few!). Thanking him for the nice things he did and always trying to point out one positive thing about him each time we had contact.

I didn't expect anything nice from him because all he said were angry, ugly things about me at that time. I just did the nice things to be nice and ignored any mean words he said (or apologized for hurt feelings or misunderstandings -- not admitting I did wrong because I didn't!!! But apologizing for how he felt or what he thought I meant... the other weapon I used was humor!).

Oftentimes you can't take this stuff personally. Sometimes they are mean because of hormones, guilt, stress, etc... I've learned to let a lot of stuff go. My husband tends to be a complainer for whom nothing is ever good enough. I've learned that's just who he is. And interestingly, he has finally come to realize this too! But it has taken a loooooong time.

[Dr LOve]

Runningoutoftime

I tried to look up your sitch. Are you and the H back together?

H

[andyv]

Husband,

I wouldn't stress about that letter, I think your W will understand the meaning.

Good to hear that your date went well. I probably wouldn't push anything too early re anther date soon etc.

I think this was a huge step, and you should continue being your considerate self and give her time, don't go in "too hard".

From what I have read, I think it won't be too much longer before she may instigate something?

Anyway, keep doing what your doing, remember slowly slowly.

All the best bud,
Andyv

[Dr LOve]

Andyv-

Thanks, the letter is in the mail. One thing I have learned in life, I try not stress on the things I can not change.
Next Saturday I am going out with my friend. No more dates planned yet. We are going on a weekend trip to an amusement park with the kids in a couple of weeks. I am going to play it by ear but I MAY try to hold her hand at some point. Isn’t this sad. A grown adult male and I’m acting like a high school boy. Little things have been happening. When she went grocery shopping the other day she bought me some salt and vinegar chips. I’m the only one in the house that eats them. I have been changing myself with this GAL. I have gone out on my own but I have also helped her out with things I have not before. Sometimes you have to hear what they are NOT saying to know what they want. Today is a good day.

H