I'm assuming all these things and it's driving me insane. Like what am I doing...?? He is in touch with one of his best friends who was the usher at our wedding and who is totally against what DH is doing. Dh contacted him after 8 months and told me his friends was making sarcastic hateful comments. Now why should he do that unless DH told him that he was so happy with OW or other stuff.
After that he talked with his brother and sister and he told me that they don't understand, they were selfish and not able to understand him. He then said I need someone who I can talk to. I feel the urge to talk to you but I'm afraid of your reaction, like 'feeling like a beaten dog again. I just can't get that out of my head. why is he so afraid? Unless it's about OW. I've reacted OK to everything the past year. Especially since I found DB I have only been listening letting him initiate talks.
He said that when he noticed that when he was overhere he was hesitant to talk. He found it easier to talk through the phone or email. I said that I felt he had the urge to talk but did not want to pressure him and thought that when he wanted he would. He agreed. His biggest difficulty in our relationship was opening up. I told him several times I'm no clearvoyant, I can't read your aura and see what your thinking and feeling so tell me. Now I learn that's not true up to a point. I do see when he is uncomfortable, happy, not mentally there etc. Because I hear it by the tone of his voice, read his bodylanguage etc. I could see it before the bomb aswell but more often choose not to see it because I was too involved with my own things and drama.
He also told me several weeks ago in his friends only speech that he felt he was not able to have a relationship ever. That he felt energised when being alone. He did not understand all the difficult codes which come with relationships and also friendships. That he thought there were other problems which would have come up between us sooner than later. I asked him what and he did not get into it. He then continued out of the blue that he did not want a second family, that he already had one and that he felt so responsible for DS and thought he couldn't cope with that a second time.
He aknowledged to me that he needed for me to be a stay at home mom most and help him out with his career that way. Now OW gave up her entire life to do stuff with DH. So he learned through our mistakes aswell. It's what frightens me. On the other hand she is still young, 25 never worked before. (well was an intern and after that a stewardess for a while) Now she works alongside DH. She finished university and I'm sure her friends are starting with exciting jobs and careers. I did all of that I've been there done that and came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a mom. She hasn't she just listening to DH and clinging on and she is not doing the things DH told me he felt irritated by me. I do hope she will recognise that that won't work for her and her friends will do aswell. I thought about his comment that he feels she will leave him for another guy when she is fed up with him. In a phonecall later that day I told him he was giving up quite a lot for an infatuation. (I know not so DB) He then tried to convince me that he did not leave me because of her. I argued with him a bit and he felt frustrated.
It is something I learned Jazz. That men will talk when they need to. Small talk ok. But serious stuff. I used to push him to talk and give him advice and my opinion. Now I don't anymore. I try to boost his male ego. Tell him he's a grown up and knows what to do best. He aknowledges this. Meanwhile when he is overhere I take care of him. i used to do this but always like I cooked now you clean etc. Tit for tat as I recall you guys say. Now i'm taking care unconditionally. I make him #1. At least with the minimal things i can do. But it takes a huge toll on ME. Because I long to touch him, hug him, kiss him and tell him everything will be ok. I can't and it's frustrating because I know one of his main love languages is touch.
I have to stop analysing but there has been going on a lot lately.
did I tell that i gave him farewell gifts of DS for him leaving for three months and he said he would be coming over every two weeks? So he isn't leaving for three months afterall. He then acted as if i was completely crazy. I only aplogised and said that I must have misunderstood because the last time he was here he talked about how far he would come with the three months gone thing and would return earlier if he couldn't cope. Then send me a TM saying that he would live around the corner after he returned. I also asked him several times when he would leave for the three months thing.
I gather it must be annoying for OW that he returns every two to three weeks after she gave up her house, job friends etc. only to see my DH going home every two weeks. Also he told me noone can approach him when he can't reach us and after two weeks of being away he is so depressed and irritated he has to go. So maybe there are cracks beginning. I have to STOP ASSUMING and STOP analysing.
