whatever your H's insecurites, (and I know its hard for you to not focus on them) its always been obvious to me why you reconciled with him.
IMO, sexual proficiency is not the watermark of real man. I do see that watermark in your H. Stick to the honesty. Stick with 'I want/need this' not the tests of 'he did' or 'you dont do' (fillintheblank). Its a scary but good slate to be on.
But the fact of that matter is that being an emotional doormat does not sit will with the women, does it? What you want is to see some level of jealousy, which means he cares for you. But too much becomes subjugating and controlling. Many men have it drilled into them that jealous behavior is immature and actually a form of sexual harassment or abuse. So the best thing to do is not display any of it.
I don't want a H who is an emotional doormat or who is overly controlling. He's definitely not the latter. Sometimes I think I test him because I do see him as so emotionally withdrawn. And yes, part of that has to do with him believing that any jealousy is immature and that we should simply trust each other. Well maybe in an ideal world, but that is not the world we live in. It's certainly not an ideal M. So I think I'm actually more realistic than H on many of these issues. We'll see what happens.
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So what could YOU do to make him feel he is the greatest lover in the world, better than the other man? How are YOU going to change that difference in perception within your own head, which you just relived this week, and which I am sure your H senses?
That is a very difficult question to answer. Because honestly, we both know we are not the greatest lovers together. I told him flat out on Saturday night, maybe you would find someone who was a better match for you. He doesn't even want to try and comprehend that. We talked more about when he was gone. He said it never even crossed his mind to find someone. And worse, that he doesn't even really think about sex that much even now. So I don't know if I am up for a total perception shift in my thinking. Because I don't think I am wrong in this case. I have tried to change my perceptions, and it works for a while, a few months maybe, but then the desire/sex drive issue always resurfaces in me. It's who I am. I know me. I am not going to be able to live my life in this M unless their are some major issues addressed. Time will tell. LFL
You think you tend to be direct, and he thinks you've kept your pain and frustration well hidden from him. Definitely a disconnect somewhere in there.
I wonder if he grew up with people that constantly pitched fits whenever they were unhappy. That could explain why he thinks everything's okay now if you've stopped talking about it.
I do tend to be direct with people, but not as much with my H. We've conditioned each other into this messed up communication style. Hard habits to break. And yes, he grew up with a mother that was always complaining about something so her H just shut her out. He eventually left her. I complained to H a lot about the sex, he left me. Don't need to be a rocket scientist to see the pattern here. So ok, the complaing approach won't work. I'm done complaining about the sex. I just want to take some time and work on me as a person and see if I can be happy despite out issues. LFL
Stick to the honesty. Stick with 'I want/need this' not the tests of 'he did' or 'you dont do' (fillintheblank). Its a scary but good slate to be on.
I agree. And I am done testing. I do need to work on "what I want and need" more. Not just out of H, but out of me.
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Hows that house cleaning going?
This housecleaning issue is really quite symbolic of the dysfunction in our M. Just like with most other issues, I am still letting H pick up the slack. He still does more cleaning than me I'd say. Because I know he'll do it eventually. Shittty attitude on my part, but I feel like H and I are like that in so many ways. I don't feel like am independent enough when I am with him, he "fathers" me in a way. That's not sexy to me and probably a contributor to our sexual disconnect. I am too dependent on him in many aspects and that is why I am going to continue to work on in me. I think I'll be much happier. LFL
I couldn't stand it anymore. And I knew I was at risk of doing something stupid if I didn't tell H the truth. So, we had a 6 hour marathon discussion/fight/cry fest last night. My eyes are still little puffy slits, looks good.
Well it's about friggin time you two did this LFL! I'm actually glad you lost it, it's been a long time coming. If you hadn't finally lost it and been radically honest with him you'd still be sitting in a stagnating marriage. Now at least you've hashed some things out, you've cleared the air, you've both released pent up emotions....FINALLY! I'm glad to hear it.
I have tried to change my perceptions, and it works for a while, a few months maybe, but then the desire/sex drive issue always resurfaces in me. It's who I am. I know me.
Who said anything about shifting perceptions? Maybe shifting to appreciate his good points is ok, but trying to shift to suppress your desires seems like it will only build resentment in you. Any shift I was thinking about is to drop the undertone of resentment that seems to affect your perception, then try a more proactive, problem solving type of approach.
Because honestly, we both know we are not the greatest lovers together.
He seems to think this way too. Does he hang out with any male friends? Do they make the usual male sex jokes, ogle women when out by themselves, that sort of thing? Or is your H totally turned off by such male behavior? Has he been so conditioned by his complaining mother that he has come to hate men as much as she does?
I told him flat out on Saturday night, maybe you would find someone who was a better match for you.
Mmmmm…. no…. not quite the proactive approach I had in mind. Not the martyr like guilt trip you should be laying on him either, regardless of whether it is the hard-hitting truth or not. Remember how you actually wanted to see some jealousy in him as a sign you that he cares for you…. well, I think he might like to see the same from you. That statement seems to be going in the wrong direction, don’t ya think?
So ok, the complaing approach won't work. I'm done complaining about the sex.
If he doesn’t feel he is good at sex, and you don’t feel he is good at sex, then what do you think he is good at? Is there something else you can emphasize to make him feel good about himself so he can feel more attached to you, more confident, and therefore feel less like he is being judged when it comes to sex?
Ever thought about you and H taking a Tantric Sex class together? I mean, you both seem to love 'learning,' and he has openly admitted that he has inhibitions. Maybe the Tantric Sex class would fuel your need for adventure and something new... and help him learn how to lose his inhibitions.... and test his own sense of adventure.
Glad you lost it, gf. Nothing like a good lionness roar fest every now and then.
This housecleaning issue is really quite symbolic of the dysfunction in our M.
Good morning, LfL. I saw this and I had to grin:
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This housecleaning issue is really quite symbolic of the dysfunction in our M.
This is SO true with Mrs. Choc. and I as well. Our entire house is a mess (we try to keep the main area picked up fairly well, but some parts are as bad as any photo on "Dr. Phil" or one of those "Before and After" contests), and the neglect of it all parallels the neglect in our marriage.
"I can't do it all," is what she says, but she really doesn't even pick up after HERSELF, nor does she ask the kids for help. Never has.
I'm following your sitch, even tho I haven't posted much.
At this point I'm just thrilled it's all out on the table.
Wait . . . I thought he smashed the table.
Anyway, keep it on the front burner, girl. His cluelessness about your feelings means that you need to stick it in front of his face and say "look at this!" to drive it home. Just like with most guys, I must say.
I don't want a H who is an emotional doormat or who is overly controlling. He's definitely not the latter. Sometimes I think I test him because I do see him as so emotionally withdrawn.
Makes sense to me. Most women are not all that reassured by the man pitching fits and vandalizing their property. Only when they've been surpressing all their emotions and leaving their wives cut off emotionally from them do they start considering such antics better than continued noncommunication. But it's not the sort of thing that will keep them happy forever.
I suspect y'all will have to go through a few more cycles of this before he's in the habit of being open with you long term... and there'll probably have to be some individual counseling involved along the way.
Originally Posted By: LustForLife
And yes, part of that has to do with him believing that any jealousy is immature and that we should simply trust each other. Well maybe in an ideal world, but that is not the world we live in. It's certainly not an ideal M. So I think I'm actually more realistic than H on many of these issues. We'll see what happens.
It's not an ideal marriage where the partners trust each other to behave themselves? Or it's not an ideal marriage where the partners feel duty-bound to protect each other completely from their own emotions?
I think jealousy is a side-issue... the main thing is that he's been suppressing all of his frustrations and unhappiness instead of dealing with them, trying to hide them from you or minimize them with you. You already knew he was jealous... you were just frustrated that he was holding everything in, including that jealousy.
Also, after several days to reflect on it, would you say that getting an email from OM led you to reinterpret everything your H does in the worst possible light?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
