You're right. I just get scared, I guess. It seems that one time he'll react a certain way to something I'll do and then if I do that same thing again he may react completely differently.
I have been thinking lately about how much it sucks that I even HAVE to worry about when I call him or talk to him or see him and what I say to him or act or do when I do have contact with him. What happened to just being able to be ME and be in a committed relationship where I didn't have to worry about all of this crap? I know it's for the better that all of this has happened, and I'm grateful for the changes it is bringing about in our R. At the same time, it's just so hard to have to walk this fine line all the time. AND I am so grateful and blessed to be given this opportunity to walk that line at all. I have to keep reminding myself that as of the first part of March, H said he didn't wven want to be married to me anymore... Now he has stayed with me a total of 7 nights in a two week period - not because I ASKED him to, but because he came home on his own. I am indeed very blessed. I guess that's what it comes to, that I AM so very blessed and I don't want to screw it up... It would just be nice if HE started caring more about MY needs and doubts in this whole situation and started making some accommodations for ME. It's hard and frustrating to feel like I'm the one making the moves. However, I have to remember that I have to tip over that first domino and that he will react to it, which he has been doing. Hopefully with continued patience and sheer determination we will get to the point where he also will be conscientious of my needs as well. I just have to hang in there...
Today we had a meeting with some friends/investors. It went well. H is still at the job site doing some work there. He said he will probably be working until late tonight. It was hard for me to leave, as I always feel this sense of anxiety of wondering when I'll see him again. It's painful. I guess the hardest part is just not knowing, if that makes sense? If I KNEW that he wasn't coming home, then I could deal with it. I'd be sad still, but I'd know what to expect. When you're married and in a committed relationship, it's just a given that your spouse is going to come home every night, regardless of how late it may be. With us, I never know when he is going to come home, and that is hard. And then I have to keep thinking about how to act both when he does and doesn't come home and keep working towards making progress regardless of what he does. I am blessed to have this opportunity, and it's still so hard to know the right things to do. I just have to have faith that whatever I've been able to muster up the strength to do over the past few weeks has obviously made some sort of difference. Either that or he and the OW are beginning to have problems of their own. I have to think that she's at least beginning to wonder/worry about what is going on with him spending so many nights away from her the past few weeks. I know he didn't spend every single night with her before, that there were at least a hand full of nights that he did spend at our office, but those were few and far between to the best of my knowledge.
And I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my mind that he still has not brought his clothes and the rest of his toiletries home. His shaver is still over there and all of the clothes that he took and a suitcase. It's hard because I know until he brings those things home that there is no way that it's officially "over" between them. And I hate that I can't ask him what's going on without risking blowing everything up. Rather, I just have to sit here with a smile on my face and keep wondering... I hate that, but for now it seems to be the only way through this. I can only hope that he is somehow appreciating the space that I am trying to give him to work this out in his own way and in his own time. At the same time, I do have to be conscious of my own needs and that I simply cannot go on like this forever...
Thanks for letting me vent again. Keep the insights coming my way. It really helps. I am scheduled to talk with DB coach tomorrow morning. Will let you know what she says.
