Hey Lin, Sorry to HJ. I think DH is reconnecting. He is contacting friends and started calling family again. He looks me in the eyes and is not so jumpy anymore. BUT he's with OW and I'm scared. He told me a few weeks ago he feels that my changes are to win him back and he asked what would happen if we only stayed friends. I'm scared of the friends thing...it's like now he will start introducing OW to family and friends with a legit reason like he really thought about us and etc. He told me a few days ago he felt a real urge to talk to me but is afraid to do so face to face because he is scared for my reaction like it used to be. He said he liked talking over the phone and through email. Now I'm freaking myself out because I'm thinking why would he worry about my reaction unless it would be something nasty he wanted to tell me....? He still wants to live nearby in three months time and I hope things will change but I feel he is seriously into OW even though he is reconnecting with me. He calls me, comes by and we do things together with DS etc. Any suggestions? Sorry to HJ... hug BB
I am sorry as I don't recall how long H has been gone...but beside that let me give you another side to what you are thinking... His reconnecting is good...his question about your changes and what would happen if you stayed friends is him testing the waters...seeing if your are "for real"...you see if you are making the changes to "win him back" then if he doesn't come back and you return to your "old self" you REALLY DIDN'T MAKE ANY CHANGES...so the correct answer would be:
"I know it seems like I am making these changes for you but really you just made me take an honest look at myself...all these changes are for ME and ones I am proud of...I will continue to work on myself regardless of what you do."
And of course I would hope that is why you have made the changes you have...
Also, don't worry about what he might say to you "face to face"...I can tell you that up until just a few months before my H moved back to the area he was still telling me that while we could remain friends there was NO WAY he could ever live with me again...he even broke down and told his sister all about OW and wanting to marry her...this was also a few months before he and I started reconnecting...in total he was gone over a year and a half...but in his heart I can see now where he was "gone" much longer then that...
So encourage him to say what he wants to say to you...keep your faith in yourself...be strong...and continue on in your journey...this in itself will have the most profound effect on him...and the best possibility of his return...
You must remember...this isn't all about "getting him back"...this is about becoming the person you want...so that given the right man (which could or could not be H when you are all done)you are ready to build a lasting marriage...
Keep the road home paved...keep a safe place for him to come to you...
Oh...and just for the record...sometimes it is best for us to act "as if" about comments that they make about our CHANGES...this way it doesn't so much appear to them we are doing this as a "trick"...comments like "this is really who I am"...or just a "thank you, I have been working on that for myself....glad it is finally showing"
So take heart...your doing good that he notices...good that he calls....good that he comes by...and good that you all are doing things together...
Thank you dear Lin! Next month he will be gone for a year and I too see that he has been 'gone' for longer than that. The 'what ifs' drive me nuts especially regarding OW. Your words give me strength. sometimes I feel like all the succes stories are done within 6 months but reading yours gives me hope.
The changes I made on me are perminent. When he started the affair I was overworked and stressed out. I found my true self again. I learned a lot about myself: things I saw that I did not like and I learned that I had taken him for granted in different ways which I never noticed until the bomb.
A week after he questioned me about my changes being a trick he asked me if I even saw the immense changes myself. He wondered about that in a positive way.
He was planning to go abroad for three months in a stretch and last thursday he said he couldn't do it. He needed to come to see us every two weeks because otherwise he was so irritated and gloomy it was no fun being around him. He went on and on how he missed DS and it was so hard on him but he had to do this businesswise... I was surprised because a year ago he couldn't care less, was irritated about DS (bottles, middaysleep, regular day etc.) and sometimes did not see him for three or more weeks in a stretch. Even when DS and I returned from a month long 'vacation' it took him almost a week after we returned to come see us.
So now I'm thinking to myself what to do. The road is paved even though I do not say ILY. I read in other threads about boundaries and not being a doormat. I question myself about this. When he comes around I'm upbeat, sweet and funny and I care for him. he is more comfortable at our home and more talkative. I make him number one. I do it because it is a 180 in some ways aswell and I needed an opportunity to show him who I am and maybe to be honest what things could be like. We do things as a family and it is very nice. I wanted to do this up until he left for the three months.
I thought to myself I'll give him a 'delicious piece of cake' and when he leaves for the other country he will start missing it. Because there he is with OW and her family all the time and I feel he will feel pressured with OW for three months in a stretch. But now he takes breaks from them during the three months. When he is overhere I know OW is still abroad so I do get his undevided attention. He talks about when the three months are over he wants to live nearby. I never reacted to this and lately he has been asking me questions how I would feel about that. He also told me he was very irritable if he could not reach us and depressed for almost the whole day. He said he needed to know where I was going and for how long because otherwise he would go sick with worry.
What do you think... should I become a little less available for him when he is over here or do I take advantage of the fact I have him to myself to draw him nearer.
Sorry for the long HJ post on your thread.... the situation changed and I'm not so sure what to do... HUG BB
I am not sure what to say about being less available vs being available...I would say maybe a little of both...you see my H moved away to get away from everything so I didn't ever have to deal much with trying to "not be available" to him...when he did return so much time had passed that I felt I needed to be around him as much as he felt comfortable because he needed to see the new person I was now...
Before I usually centered my fun stuff around him...we were a "couple"...now I learned that I can have my own life and friends...my own interests...I don't need to go out to dinner with him all the time...basically I have GAL...I am even planning a vacation with my daughter, her friend, and another mutual friend to Greece!!!...H has no desire to go but I do so I will go and have a great time...before I would have denied myself the pleasure of such a trip...but now if I want to do it and I can...I WILL
create some mystery...maybe see if he can "babysit" while you go out with your friends to a movie or dinner...or...take your son for a little get-away to "I haven't decided yet. I will see where the road takes me. I just need some "me" time."...Tell him you'll check in with him but then maybe miss a night because your "too tired" "too busy" "forgot"...
I would also make sure that he knows he is welcome...so when you are together just keep doing what your doing...
I remember when my H left I was trying to find a time line...how long would I have to endure this...after almost a year I was really losing hope because I couldn't find anyone who had survived that long apart and then successfully reunited...so that is why I feel it is important to share my story...because I am sure there are many more out there that will take longer...every relationship is different and every person is different making for a multitude of variations in time...so keep being patient...things happened fast when they started to happen because of our circumstances at the time (with a little prodding from me because he was allowing it)...but I can honestly say that had he not moved back when he did that we might still be apart...but...I believe that even if we were that there would still be a future for us...eventually...and I think H may have known this all along because there were times right after he left before he moved away that he said "well maybe in 10 years we can try this again" "if I don't come back in 5 years you can maybe start thinking I won't" "we can always remarry if we divorce"...of course all that ended when he moved away...then he had a more permanent sound to him..."I can't ever live with you again" "I will never move down there again" "I like living up here so much better I have decided this is where I will stay"...but things do change...circumstances change...just keep your eyes open for the opportunity to really shine...
Dear Lin, thank you again! My Dh told me we could still be together at one point aswell. Several times. Now he doesn't like with your sitch at the time.
Last year he really ignored and avoided me. After I went dark and did 180's he notices me. Like you I feel that the when overhere I want to show him my changes iin a natural way.
I agree I should be a bit more mysterious. I'll TM him that i'll be gone for a long weekend. THanks for the tip!
Our DS (3) Lately mentions OW to DH on the phone. I tend to listen so I know Dh is not initiating talk about her. I notice he feels incomfortable talking about her with DS and changes the subject almost immediately.
Thank you for sharing you experience. It does give me hope to see a timeline like yours!
I have never been to Greece but I love to go! I know the food is great I used to eat a lot of Greek food with DH. It will be so nice to go with your DD. A precious holiday for the both of you!
I too love Greek food...well I love food...but really I do like the Mediteranean style of food...garlic, olive oil, eggplant, yogurt...and strangely my husband hates most Greek food...he dispises yogurt in any form, not fond of eggplant or lamb...so he is pretty picky on that aspect which was his reason for not going...this is fine with me because I have discovered that while I miss him I do have a really good time vacationing without him sometimes...this was new to me...so his staying home just means more money for me!!!!
I hope your weekend has gone well...and take care....Lin
Hi ImLIN, Thanks you so much for your post on my thread. I also left a note for you on my thread.
I am so happy for you that things are so good with your H and that he has changed so much to his (and yours!!) advantage. You are an amazing woman and I admire you so much. I wish you all the happiness in the world and that your H will find a suitable job soon. Take care. HUGS
THanks for the tip!