Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[Heartbroken]

Piecing Veterans: I really need some advice, H is just getting worse emotionally. I know we are in piecing for real, he has not talked/seen OW in over 9 weeks and he is so sorry he went that route. For the first few weeks we were GREAT, but now I am emotionally carrying this R and he admits it. I asked how we started so strong and he thinks he was using 'us'/me to get over OW. H also feels he has used the apartment separation as a 'drug' to help in avoid the issues at home. H said last nite if I said I wanted to D right now he would agree.

He feels hopeless b/c he had no choice in giving OW up, since I, our kids, our friends and family would not have accepted their R (DUH!) so he knew he had to end it with her and now his only choice is to be back with me. But that is his dilemma he feels nothing not bad, not good towards me or us. He just feels hopeless. He thinks he's in depression and I know he is. H is tired all the time and is soooo sad, he is making me soooo sad and I think my tears are pushing him away again and I need to understand how to get back into DB'ing again, not that I have stopped just not going at it like I was when we were in crisis mode. The only positive thing he is doing is jogging 3 or 4 times a week.

H goes to a C on Wed. and I fear he thinks she is going to have the magic answer of why he had an A and why he is so unhappy. I am grateful he sees the need for C, it took him a long time (he always wants to fix things on his own).

My questions: Is this depression normal for WAS when they return. I know he is coming back b/c the kids want him here but will he just break our hearts once again when he leaves for good?

Why am I so negative, I was much more positive when facing the OW sitch than these internal issues of his. I feel so tired of just trying and just want someone to care for me for ME, I feel so sad and selfish right now and I got to figure out how to rise above it once again before I help screw this all up again... I have realized I need to go back to see my C again too. I plan to call on Monday.

Any wisdom from this team would be so appreciated. I just feel so lonely right now. I fear losing him for good this time. How many times can a heart be broken?

Thanks for your help, understanding, kind words and your use of 2X4's...

[ourcrisis]

Heartbroken, no real advice here, just lots of HUGS. You are not alone here. You have us for you to vent.
H does have his choice. He can leave, he can stay, he can stay and make himself happy, he can stay and stay unhappy, he can stay and work through issues with you, he can stay and create new happiness with you. The M is starting new in a sense, and both person needs to be part of it. OK, I am telling myself all these also.
I think this is normal. you know my situation. I am a few steps behind yours. I think my h also feels there is no choice but for him to return because of the kids, the impossibility for him/ow to work out, etc. I also feel like I am putting in all the effort but h is simply on the receiving end. It is the expectation that "h should be nice to me now after all that I have done". and at least in mine, h is just acting to be "normal" before A. I force myself to give him credit just to be OK around me though I wish for much more. It is tough.

Hang in there. I think your h is great to go see C. It is a big step. Meanwhile, come here and vent that you are not taken care of and we will all charm in and say "me too".

[Dauphine]

Heartbroken,
I haven't been around, but I used to post in the Midlife crises forum. My H left to live with OW, and came back after 4 months. He stayed grumpy and depressed for another 4 months, before he started showing any signs of recovery. So its quite "normal".

I continued DBing and I must say it was the hardest thing I ever did. I was so afraid that he would leave for good. At the same time I doubted if we would ever make it, if it made any sense to continue. Every day I thought about giving up, and every day I decided I would carry on. I thought that I always have the choice.


Now its 2 years since the bomb. A week ago he finally said that he could not figure out how I had made it, how had I managed to stay so happy all this time, and that he had made the worst thing a man can do. He said he was amazed about the changes I had made. This is what I had been waiting for, some acknowledgement of my suffering and the enormous work I had been doing for the sake of our family. I was a bit worried that with all the DBing he might not even know I'm suffering!!

So what I'm saying is that it takes a long time before the depression wears off. You really have to detach now and take care of yourself and the kids. I made a point of doing stuff with the kids, and asked H if he wanted to join us. At first he preferred lying on the couch, but little by little he started coming along.

Please don't get too sad, you don't have to get sick even if he is! Cherish the baby steps, they will keep coming. Now when H is back to his normal self, I can see better that he really was sick.

Dauphine

M40, H41, D12, S10, S7
Married 13 years
H left apr 2005
H came back aug 2005
piecing for the rest of my life...

[Heartbroken]

Thanks to both of you. Yesterday was so hard for me - I was letting H get me way DOWN and I am getting back to my optimistic self today! This is just so hard to keep at it - I feel I was more optimistic when he moved OUT to the apt to spend more free time with OW. That I handled better than his depression - go figure! I just made my C appt unfortunatley I cannot get in until 6/4 - but that may be good since H will have two under his belt by then!

I re-read the part about depression in DR and it helped a lot too. I just need to keep the faith and hang in there just like I keep telling everyone in the infidelity forum!! BABY STEPS!!

Now I just have to listen to my own advice!

Have a great week! It's only a 4 day work week for us - we are off to WI to visit family/friends (this may be causing H stress b/c he has to face my family)...

[cat03]

he feels nothing not bad, not good towards me or us. He just feels hopeless. He thinks he's in depression and I know he is. H is tired all the time and is soooo sad,
====================
HB, you might've well just describe my H to a T last year, about this month (he came back in Abril)
My H was a zombie, that's how I described him. During our 2nd C session he told the C that he thought moving back would make him better but that it didn't (he was drinking and just hanging w/the wrong crowd, he was in deep in a hole, sleeping in his car,everywhere.

He pretty much told me "I dont' hate you but I dont....you know". I totally understand how you and him are feeling. Would he considered taking anti-d medication? I'm very glad to her he is seeing a C himself, cognitive theraphy will help him lots (my H went off his anti-d and the T was keeping him somewhat teethered to reality- by a thin tread though)
When I brought the lack of love subjet during C the C told us that M is built in love and commitment. When the "summer" of love fades and the novelty of the newlyweds is gone, and we start really knowing our partner, the other ring that binds us besides love is commitment.
Right now, you both have commitment, with time and patience you can build back trust and love. It took my H about 10mths after he was back to tell me he loved me.

=============
I also feel like I am putting in all the effort but h is simply on the receiving end. It is the expectation that "h should be nice to me now after all that I have done". and at least in mine, h is just acting to be "normal" before A. I force myself to give him credit just to be OK around me though I wish for much more.
==========
Honey, please *please* understand he is empty right now, he doesn't offer much to the R because in reality he has nothing to give...yet. He needs to put himself together yet, he needs to love himself before he is able to give you what you crave: his love and affection.

I'd cried many times to our C, telling him how I just gave and gave and got nothing in return. The C would tell me that my H was very hurt and that he felt utterly insignificant, that he needed time to heal. That I'd have to give out of love, not expecting, but also giving the love I was receiving from God, a never-ending source.

==============
I feel so tired of just trying and just want someone to care for me for ME, I feel so sad and selfish right now and I got to figure out how to rise above it once again before I help screw this all up again... I have realized
===============
No more tears in front of him, he already feels like a failure and your unhappiness reminds him how much he's screwed up and the hurt he's caused. You aren't selfish, I also wanted my H to love me (inmediatly) as I had loved and longed for him while he was away. But we have to remember they in someways, had deamed our M dead and didnt' think they'd be back, they bur.

I want you to read my old thread of mine, every page if you can. It is about 12mths old, I was feeling and sayign the same things you are saying, and read the wonderful advice I got from my great friends here in piecing.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post742128

[Heartbroken]

Cat03,

Thanks sooooo much for your words - that's why I love this place and have this addiction to come here! I will start reading your thread tonight! Today I have been busy at work so no time for emotions!! That's a plus! I will keep you posted!

Thanks again!
HB

[believing_isaiah43]

HB, it IS somehow easier to 'fight' during the A b/c there is something TANGIBLE to fight for and also something to fight against.

Once the OW is out of the way and things are in the gray area, it's much more harder to see what you're fighting against. And what you're fighting for seems SO out of reach at times. Makes it harder to 'see' the enemy, so to speak.

So yes, that part is WAY normal. Just thought I'd mention.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks BI43,

I wonder how much of DB'ing to use - do I back off on calling him during the day and let H initiate? I don't want to appear as pursuing to much... This is such a fine line again. I do know to keep my mood much more upbeat and positive - he did say that all the good things I keep doing for him just add to his guilt!! So hard to read - just like you said...

I will hang in there and keep the faith! Thanks!

[Heartbroken]

Well tonight was the worse nite since he moved out to the apt. I cannot believe things have spiraled out of control so fast. We had a normal dinner at the house and then H and I went shopping and he wigged out driving home. In a tone he only used when he wanted to hurt me and push me away (when OW was in the picture) he says he's on to this Divorce busting game - this mind control. I am like "What?" he knows I am the last person to play mind games if anything I am too honest...

H has done a 180 he says I just won't give him a D - I am in shock at this point - I do not cry or yell or say much. H has not mention D expect for his comment Sat nite when he says to me "If you would say you want a D now I would agree". It's not like he has been begging for D or for filing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF??? Why did we tell the kids he's coming home- why has he been bringing stuff back here all weekend? H says the lease is broken and he has no choice - we'll stay together until we D - six months in MI or that I can go to an apt this time... It's just like when he was with OW (and I really don't think they are but who knows) and he is just pushing me to end it b/c he cannot do it himself (by himself). He just does not love me and he does not want to be in a loveless marriage. I am just in shock right now cannot even really cry (that much). I asked him to talk to C and see about not coming home - we cannot do this to our kids...I know it's the depression making him act this way but how do I get him to slow it down...

Please someone help me tonight - I am not sure who to call of my close friends - once again I have the heart broken. Maybe it's just time to let him go once and for all...

[ourcrisis]

HB, I am as shocked as you are reading your post? I already read your post twice and I think I will read again. I can see how shocked you are now.
LOTS OF HUGS TO YOU!!!
Of course, if OW is in the picture then it may explain something. He was probably still deciding and now he feels he has to come home and end it with OW he is scared.
At the same time, there may not be OW and he is simply scared of coming home because "of the kids, family, etc." and he will be back to the sameold sameold. May be he feels that the family (not just you, but kids, neighbors, whoever) will judge him and rather than being judged, may as well "strike first".
There may be other reasons. Other veterans can probaly say more.
But I am just here to give you LOTS OF HUGS and a virtual shoulder to cry on. You have been through a lot and you have been strong. Stay strong. Take a break and go out for a day to rest. Take care.