Well its about 40 mins or so till I head down to counseling.
I called the counselors office yesterday on the advice of a friend who is a counselor that works with troubled teens.
I asked the counselor for her education and experince she was happy to tell me - 10 years Masters Degree in social work lots of experince working with kids in crisis (drugs, runaways etc.).
I have talked with about my story about whats going on with my daughter and her statement back... your ex needs to decided if she is a Mom or a Single women)
I specified that my ex and I transition period that it is an weird place to be the counselor agreed and said it takes paitentence. I told her the primary reason we are coming is to repair my Ex's and daughters relations.
I let my Ex go first and commented where when and where appropriate.
The counselor listened and worked with both sides of the equation.
She dissagreed with me on one main point... That I shoudl force my daughter ro go be with her mother and her BF even if she doesn't want to...
She provided the example that My daughter could refuse to go to school I would still make her go.
The counter-point to that is School is not something my daughter has a choice in... Spending time with her mother and her BF is.
I do agree that if the BF is a permanent fixture she will need to accept him but she does not have to like him.
She did agree that my Ex needs to change some things for the short term to repair communication with her daughter.
I scheduled my daughter in for an appointment in the next 2 weeks.
Afterwards my Ex and I had a sitdown coffee talk.
I told her how much I had enjoyed the last few days of funny banter with her... even as I enjoyed it I couldnt help wonder if this all there was...
She replied "I wondered the same thing"
I asked her if she was really happy now that I'm not in her life.
She answered "I'm happy when the kids are with me... A lot of time I go to my house and there's no one there and I wonder why did I come here... Im generally ok theres just something missing"
I repleied "I understand that very much... My house is just a house... I like it its a nice house... but its not my home... my home lives in (insert my ex's neighbor hood)
I told her about my regrets for the past year and felt a litle sad.
She commented I just want you to be happy... I think Im bad for you you get sad around me...
I backpedaled quickly and said its not that... I'm happy with my life... I love my job I like my friends and the things I do...
Im not sad I just wanted you to know I felt sad about my actions and that your missed... ( this wasn't said in a pressuring way tho likely it was )
"I'm walking a narrow ledge right now... the wind could blow me eitehr way easily on one side is Divorce and I could do it and go on with my life and be fine and on the other is you... I would rather be with you more then the other... which is why I haven't just done the D"
My ex had to go for an appointment... I offered her a hug... whch she took... but she wondered where that came from if it was just friendship or something more... "Are we just friends... is that good enough..."
I was unable to answer that right at that time... I thought about it as I left... and decideded it was friendship I'm not in any place to offer more.
That is very close to conversations that my XW had with me at one time. With mine, I think D was the only option that she saw to fix the issue. Even used the "if you love them, let them go and they will come back" slogan.
I think your conversation went very well. Probably time to ease off from your side and let her talk about her feelings and let her figure out what they are.
Keep it up!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
IF we cant be friends there is no chance that we could be more...
THAT that is not my goal with being friends
I said IF you go home at night and you are lonely... come over and hang out with us ( Kids and I ) JUST to HANG OUT nothing more... we would be GLAD to have you...
So now I will just play it cool, like I don't care what she does ( within reason ) and just keep feeling happy with my life as it is.
I texted various messages about the kids Lacrosse tournement yesterday to my Ex including Cell phone pics of their games.
There was no communication back from her...
Until
This AM she called from work and we chatted friendly banter etc.
She thanked me for the Pics and the Texts and said "sorry she was busy last night and didn't get back to me"
She talked with the kids on the phone and she is going to come take them out for supper.
I have a friend who stayed over last night we chatted about my life. She has alot of experiece with relationships and issues. She's in town visitng her daughter and is going to be applying for work here next week.
Her advice is that I need to focus on myself...
I agree with that but I am trying to find ways I can do that...
While still leaving the door open for my Ex... not yearning, not looking through it, waiting by it... just leaving it open...
This time, this present, not yesterday, not tomorrow, today is for us, for the living, the breathing, the believing, believing in life and love and family and dreams and all the aspects of life we put off because there is never enough time. Our time. Our time is now. There are people of vast importance in our lives who do not realize and in time they may well come to realize their importance in our lives and our importance in theirs, but while we can leave the door open, we should not and cannot stand in the door, waiting . . . waiting . . . waiting ....
They will not find their way home if we wait. We will not find our way if we wait. We can wait no more. We will do everything in our power to love them to the fullest should they choose to find their way to us. We can no longer chase, pull, drag, force them to here, for here is not where they are.
But here, here is where we are. Here in this moment. Here in this time. Here in this space. A space we have allowed to go empty and cold because we fully knew and believed we needed someone to fill the space. When, in fact, while the words are subtle, the difference in mind and body and spirit are substantial, we want someone, here.
