The above link is to my last thread. I have been posting on the "I'm Thinking About Leaving" board. My frustrations with my H are truly "Killing Me Softly .."!
I have been reading with much interest posts in this MLC area from wives of alcoholic husbands and ALSO some of you recovering (and maybe not so?) spouses.
Since I last posted on my linked site (above) I have been communicating with another BB. They are very strong advocates of letting your spouse "go" .. having to let him hit his bottom ..
I am trying to figure out how to do this, without demolishing our marriage. Maybe that isn't possible? .. I guess the big question here would be "WHY" would I want to continue IF things didn't change ..?
Do any of you .. who are on the "other side of the fence" (not wanting to leave, OR trying to get your spouse to stay OR maybe you are the spouse having the problem with alcohol?) have any advice .. different approaches .. OR something that worked for you??
I don't really know what to say except I feel for you. I went to a divorce and separated group at church (a few years ago), there were two women with alcoholic husbands. One had come to peace with her decision to leave; one was looking for peace. Basically, they both hit that point where they had given as many chances as they could. The long and short of it was they just couldn't take it anymore.
As for why they kept giving chances, they were married. They were Catholics with a sacred view of the union. Only you can determine when enough is enough.
I don't know .. I guess I was brought up in a house-hold that taught me a "never give up" attitude. Could it be that is what keeping me hanging on ..? I don't know ...
Seriously, who knows. But what is important is that you go where you want to go in life regardless of the spousal situation. Do whatever you must to do to protect yourself and your children, physically, mentally and financially. No one would ever blame you for doing all you can to salvage a marriage. But there is a difference between "I give up" and "I've had enough."
Seriously, who knows. But what is important is that you go where you want to go in life regardless of the spousal situation. Do whatever you must to do to protect yourself and your children, physically, mentally and financially. No one would ever blame you for doing all you can to salvage a marriage. But there is a difference between "I give up" and "I've had enough."
Seriously, who knows. But what is important is that you go where you want to go in life regardless of the spousal situation. Do whatever you must to do to protect yourself and your children, physically, mentally and financially. No one would ever blame you for doing all you can to salvage a marriage. But there is a difference between "I give up" and "I've had enough."
I quoted your whole post here 'cause I know you are 100% correct with that statement.
I definitely have had enough .. but can't find it in me to "do what I have to do".
I don't know if I am afraid that I can't handle the "fall-out" with my trying to implicate changes OR what?
I believe that I truly have done everything to "try" to save our marriage. Which has come down to just letting the way my H IS .. continue that way. Sad..huh? I do this to avoid confrontation .. hanging on .. thinking that maybe, with more time, that things will get better.
My H's last night escapades have once again "put me over the edge".
Yesterday I was out shopping and H called me on cell and told me to meet he and his buddies up at a newer restaurant in our area for dinner. I agreed and did just that.
We had a nice dinner .. but continued on to one of our local watering holes. I did this ONLY because of another women friend that was with the whole group .. she really wanted me to accompany them for the night. (Generally, I don't do this as I feel that it eggs H on with his drinking and spending all of the money.)
Throughout the night, I put several comments ..that were made.. together and "figured out" that my H .. on one of his many rides with his buddies, took a younger woman (bar-fly) on one of their motorcycling excursions. And apparently she was showing off her "personalities" (as my H would call it) while they were at this other small town hole-in-the-wall bar.
So, anyway .. when I caught the first part .. about my H allowing this young women to ride on the back of HIS motorcycle I asked H about it. He made a huge sigh and said something to the affect that it wasn't even 1/4 mile .. just a ride from one local bar to the next. Well .. as the night wore on, I put more things that were said together and discovered that it could not have been just that (the 1/4 mile thing.) She definitely DID ride with him on the whole Sunday afternoon excursion!
After I "caught" him lying .. and made him "fess up" he got VERY mad at me.
Unfortunately this was AFTER he came home last night (midnight) from drinking all evening and then he took his ambien and mirapex. Well, when he takes those two at night (IF he hasn't been drinking) he is already goofy .. a little bit scarey. But after he has been drinking he is more than goofy .. definitely scarey!
At about 2 a.m. this morning he finally went to bed .. but not not before he burned a bunch of pictures and other stuff that he says is just "junk" and he does not want to keep. He says that he doesn't want all that "junk" anymore and that he doesn't want to "remember". (He is manipulating me, I know.)
These pictures were MY life too .. and I am just sobbing here, that he DID something like this. I have no idea what more he burned.
I guess I will post more later .. as I am just too upset to continue on.
Maybe you are delusional, but if you are, it is only because you are trying to do the right thing. One of the women in my group in a similar situation was about my age at the time (45 or 46) once said after the 28th time, she had had enough. The funny thing is that 28 was the exact number. How do I know. Because I said "28?" and she said, "yes, 28."
I would say the danger you face in avoiding confrontation is that one day the love will just die without ever confronting.
But since you have decided to accept, please do the things you want to do.
I would say the danger you face in avoiding confrontation is that one day the love will just die without ever confronting.
Yes .. unfortunately I believe that the "love dying" is closer than anyone (H or I) will admit.
Quote:
But since you have decided to accept, please do the things you want to do.
This is the very hard part. I'm guessing if my H wasn't putting us in such a financial dilemma (with all of his spending on his drinking) that maybe I COULD "allow" (in my mind) things to continue as they have been.
But .. with H refusing to work (says he can't and that there is no work out there) and still continuing to spend $$, he is moving us towards possible bankruptcy. In my mind .. all he has to do is get back to work and things would be "okay". He won't have any part of this type of thinking.
So .. (once again), in MY mind, I am constantly agonizing as to how I can continue to "accept" .. but stop him from draining us financially.
Do what you want to do..ie, what will make you happy (and keep in mind, you can have no happiness with your H as things stand) so it has to be all about you.
And with the additional input from you, I would cut off his cash if I were you. The financial part should be really of concern. He doesn't love you as he is willing to flush you and your son down the toilet. but that is how alcoholics are.
You are in an addict/enabler relationship. Please seek help. It is necessary for your well-being. (Notice I said yours. You can do a damn thing about him.)
