Yes, I was trying to help and I really am sorry if what I said did not help or made you feel worse. I am usually a gentle minded person and for the most part want to just offer a sympathetic ear but there have been times on this forum when I needed a swift kick in the arse and like it or not, I often got it. There were times when you were the one to deal a little 2x4 my way and while it kinda hurt a little it always made me grow.
Sometimes that reality check was what I needed to move a step forward. It would have been easy for me to linger in places that kept me sad and lonely and there are people here who will let you do that. People who will say your H is an alien and when he snaps out of it he will come back, blah blah blah...but I'm not one of those people.
We've all got our issues. We all spend time trying to figure ourselves out. We all act in ways that are sometimes comfusing--to others and even to ourselves. We are all aliens sometimes. The fact is we do the best we can with all the vulnerabilities we as humans inherently have.
Your H is doing the best he can too. You've seen the other side of the coin here where the WAS acts like a total ass and says horrible and hurtful things and abandons the LBS emotionally, financially and otherwise. Your H has not done that. He is doing the best he can with what he has to offer. The problem is that what he had to offer in your marriage was not what you needed--this is by your own admission. It's one thing for marriages to go through bad spots for a couple months or maybe even a year, but you have said there were years and years of unhappiness. With that in mind, do you think there is any chance at all that he will change his behavior within your relationship?
I'll tell you, Mitch and I get along fine until I ask something of him--like the other day I asked him to help me take care of our sick son. "Uh, well, um..." he obviously didn't want to so I just said "you know, you can just say no." And he said "well, you know, I have my day all mapped out with grading to do and I want to go to the gym." It didn't take much to remind me what a selfish, self serving man he is. he will not change in those deep ways and therefor our dynamic will never change. I know that if we were to reconcille all the things that made me unhappy before would still be there only now it would be worse because of the pain he has left in his wake and my new found resolution not to live with someone again who thinks of nothing but his own happiness. There's just no way for it ever to work between he and I again--for me this practical look helps me move on.
Neither of you are to blame for the fact that your dynamic made each other unhappy. Of course it's a shame, it is a loss that deserves to be mourned, but it is not the end of your life or your romantic world either, not by a long shot. I get he feeling you hate to feel as if you "failed" and that is why it is particularly difficult for you to let go of him entirely. You want to prove that this marriage is not a failure. But if you can readjust your concept of success and failure, you will free yourself. You can be an ginormous success in what you do in your life and how you handle this hardship--with grace and resolve and ultimately with total happiness and freedom. The best revenge after all is a life well lived!
YOu are a young and beautiful, vibrant woman. YOu really can do anything you want in life and also find someone who can be a good partner for you. All of this leads to a question: Why would you stand for your marriage? IS there something to stand for?
This is not a judgement on my part but a question in earnest. What would you hope to achieve by standing for the marriage any longer? What would happen if he did come home? Would it be better or worse after all has been said and done?
It's true, I have gotten to the other side. I know that my marriage is over and I am okay with that. I do not want Mitch back as a husband. But in that accpetance I have been able to let go of a lot of my anger toward him. That has helped to uncover the love I do have for him and I can celebrate that love without needing to posses him. I posses my love and therein lies the power you seek.
I hope you are okay and that I have not upset you. I still wonder if I have anything to offer here anymore, but I do hope that my insight can help others on some level.
