I am doing a lot better today. I had a few minutes of bad feelings when H came to pick up the kids. He was in a very good mood, which is rare in the morning, so I automatically started thinking that he'd probably just had sex! Despite this, I was friendly and smiling; I must say that this feels a lot better than being cold.
I think I finally figured that whole thing out; it was kind of a "duh" moment, rather than an "aha" one, though. The anger makes me feel more powerful and in control, but in fact, I am giving *him* control because I am allowing him to decide for me how I should feel. Plus, it's draining, and it's not really who I am - I am just not an angry, mean person. So I will be as pleasant as I can. It did help in the mediation, too.
IMP ~
re. trying something other than therapy. I've done it off and on for 20 yrs now, but didn't usually last long till the most recent T. I stopped for a year and a half, and have just gone back. I'll see how it goes. I do think that one big issue (aside from all the childhood stuff that almost everyone has to deal with) was actually my M. It got pretty bad towards the end - last few years - and H did not want to get help, kept saying there were no problems. This led me to believe that *I* was the problem. Also, he would not touch me for a really long time, or very seldom. Again, not good for the self-esteem.
His leaving has helped me in the sense that I don't have this constant feeling of not being good enough, but - like most of us - it has also caused me to feel that it WAS all me b/c he's now happy with someone else. So it's a double-edged sword.
I thought that the "that's enough energy on that" was meant for me. I do try to keep a sense of humour, but am not always successful.
Thanks again, everyone.
Big hugs to Lissett and Lisa - you are such good friends to me.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
