Well, it happened. We had "the talk." I couldn't stand it anymore. And I knew I was at risk of doing something stupid if I didn't tell H the truth. So, we had a 6 hour marathon discussion/fight/cry fest last night. My eyes are still little puffy slits, looks good. Anyways, he actually started the conversation off by basically asking me if I was happy. That was enough to make me lose it and just told him that the past few months and weeks have been culminating in the discussion. We have our own growing distance again, my friend is getting separated and that is bring all sorts of memories and feelings back to me (envy, desire independence, desire for sexual connection etc), and then the final straw, OM contacting me last week. It was the right thing to do. I just told him exactly what I told you. At first, he reacted just like I expected. He was upset and hurt, but was not very angry about it and didn't seem overly concerned. So I confronted him on that BS and told him that his response is part of the bib problem. He doesn't seem to care. That's when he started to flip out. He said almost exactly what Stigmata and Nop and others said about OM. He smashed our table and said "Who the F*ck is this guy? He's going to F*ck up my l ife and out M!" Insisted I block his email. And we continued to discuss "us." Talked all about out sexual differences, our desire differences, everything. He kept vaccilating back and forther between crying and being super pissed off. Saying things like " Get your sh*t together! You are going to destroy our family for some guy who F*cks good?! Get your prorities straight!" Boy I had never seen him this riled up, and I really needed to see it. I told him as much and I think he understood. The end result was basically that nothing was going to stop us from keeping the M together. I feel better today. Hopeful. And I think we are at least starting with an honest slate again. I'm not sure if the sexual problems can ever be "fixed" but our emotional connection is the most important thing. So we made good progress last night. LFL
That sounds like a most excellent encounter. I am really pleased that he got angry and broke something. He needed that. You needed to see it.
Good deal.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You are going to destroy our family for some guy who F*cks good?! Get your prorities straight!"
This is the challenge when dealing with an LD guy: to get him to agree that good and satisfying sex IS indeed a priority. Or to get him to see that it can be a high priority for you, and that does not make you some kind of pervert. I think it must be hard for HD guys to really "get" this. That there are men for whom sex, connected or not, is really NOT a priority, and is infact, kind of icky. I certainly would have had a hard time believing it before I found myself living with it. One time my bf and I were watching a movie where a married couple who lived out in the country spontaneously had joyous and enthusiastic sex in the back of their station wagon. It was very sweet. His comment: "What are they? Some kind of sex maniacs?"
Hope this launches an era of better communication, LFL.
Sorry for all the typos, can't see..puffy eyes. Sorry you thought you had to say sorry LFL.
What I see was great LFL. I don't look for typos. I look for progress or ideas that might lead to a closer R and better sex.
Rejoice and savor the feeling of being wanted.
When Mr. LFL said for some guy who F*cks good? Some day say, there are a lot of good ways to F and sometime different is good, and that doing more of what you ask for, is a good F.
LFL, I like reading your posts because they are direct. They have an honest tone and WYSIWYG content, no filtering required. Tantra, Kama Sutra, those type of writings are coded.
That does seem to have been a productive argument.
You are going to destroy our family for some guy who F*cks good?! Get your prorities straight!
A lot can be learned from this statement, plus his show of anger. I read two things in it. One is that he is concerned about the marriage and the family. His anger really confirmed that point. Perhaps he could read the discussion we had on this board some time ago about jealousy. Maybe he feels a certain possessiveness over you but thinks showing it is immature. I think this is a common fallacy of many men. The thinking is that to be a strong alpha male, you should not show jealousy, that is placating and needy.
But the fact of that matter is that being an emotional doormat does not sit will with the women, does it? What you want is to see some level of jealousy, which means he cares for you. But too much becomes subjugating and controlling. Many men have it drilled into them that jealous behavior is immature and actually a form of sexual harassment or abuse. So the best thing to do is not display any of it.
But men still feel what they feel, as you saw in your H. You needed to pull that jealousy out of him to convince yourself he cared. You had to relieve your anxiety. Nothing wrong with that, but it is your anxiety. Now you know, and now you might be able to ask him to show a little healthy jealousy because YOU need the periodic affirmation, that YOU need assurance, not that HE needs to show it.
The other thing I see in his statement is a lot of self consciousness, admitting that he is not a good f*ck, like other men. So HE needs soothing and comforting from you. Badgering him for sex, something he may not feel competent in doing, may only serve to reinforce his thoughts that each time you do have sex, he is somehow less that satisfactory (sort of ties in with his comments to you when you vomited after sex, doesn’t it?) So what could YOU do to make him feel he is the greatest lover in the world, better than the other man? How are YOU going to change that difference in perception within your own head, which you just relived this week, and which I am sure your H senses?
That sounds like a most excellent encounter. I am really pleased that he got angry and broke something. He needed that. You needed to see it.
Thanks Nop. And I totally think I needed that entire encounter to happen just as it did. I am emotionally drained today but feel like this huge depressing weight has been lifted. LFL
This is the challenge when dealing with an LD guy: to get him to agree that good and satisfying sex IS indeed a priority. Or to get him to see that it can be a high priority for you, and that does not make you some kind of pervert. I think it must be hard for HD guys to really "get" this. That there are men for whom sex, connected or not, is really NOT a priority, and is infact, kind of icky.
H and I talked about all that and more last night. He agrees that we just have different sex drives. He doesn't like it though and basically stated he will do Anything to try and make this work. He even said he was willing to try some more the aggressive stuff because he was sure that it was just his emotional inhibition that made him reject it. Hmmm... We'll see. At this point I'm just thrilled it's all out on the table. It's never going to be easy, that is for sure. But I think he really freaked out when I said I just didn't feel like trying anymore. I'd rather just live as best friends than feel so emotionally rejected. That mad him cry and also get pissed, at himself more than me. He kept saying over and over "I had no idea you felt this way. I had no idea it had gotten so bad." Hello? So yes, he tends to go into his cave all the time and if it's not being discussed, I must be ok with the M. Wrong answer. And I think he finally gets that. LFL
LFL, I like reading your posts because they are direct.
Yes, I do tend to be direct. Gets me in trouble sometimes. Thanks Lou. And your posts are always "sometimes it's this way, and sometimes it's that way", can always see both sides. Not a bad trait to have. LFL
You think you tend to be direct, and he thinks you've kept your pain and frustration well hidden from him. Definitely a disconnect somewhere in there.
I wonder if he grew up with people that constantly pitched fits whenever they were unhappy. That could explain why he thinks everything's okay now if you've stopped talking about it.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Well, the big difference in our situations was that you decided that marrying MrsNOP was the right thing to do because you were "in love" with her and my X decided marrying me was the right thing to do because I was knocked up. NOT THE SAME!
Actually, I think you are kind of lucky because you can get by with just sex in a relationship. I need affectionate attention too. Tends to make me come off as kind of desperate, like I'm trading one for the other, when really it is just the case that they are #1 and #2 on my list. The monkey and the bunny skipping off together into the sunset holding hands is my ideal which I shall not deny. lol
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
