Lin -- You are an inspiration! My sich came about in the midst of change too, although not quite so much as your own. My H has been a prof at the local college for 15y, but the past few have been incredibly pressure filled. I was teaching part-time at the college for about 10y, and after beating my head against that closed door - the department I would be in just didn't want to try to get a full-time position I could hold - I decided to go to the local Library. A great switch, but I come from a long line of profs & Ph.D.s and as much as I knew the change wasn't a failing, I struggled with the fact that my H had the job I had thought I'd have and I had a job few people saw as equivalent. 4Y later and I've learned alot from being at the Library, but in the meantime, I know I struggled with grieving what wasn't - maybe even my own MLC - and wasn't always there for H's needs. I guess we both were not there for the other one. (Thus some of the remorse of this thread's title...)
Add to this a decision to build our dream home (What were we thinking???) - and overextend ourselves financially! - and that our boys are getting ready to fly the coop and get their own lives, and all that had begun to crack in our M for my H just broke. (maybe it was R-fatigue since during our M we had weathered parent alcoholic deaths, sib suicides and S2 congenital heart defects - these last couple years were just too much?)
I know that what I'm doing now for me -- IC, working on refinding my self-esteem, taking a job at the U 20 miles away -- are all important steps and that I am a better person for them (maybe some day I'll even be able to exist without anti-depressants!). I am learning to let go of anxious control and to just live one day -- instead of worrying over years -- at a time. All of these things I know make me grow and get me beyond what I had let become a rut.
I have many good days now -- even S2 noticed and mentioned to his C - and in general, I find I can hold on without too many nailmarks on the cliff edge, but there are times when I just wish that we could time travel back and be where H & I were when things were good. I know that what we might be able to build - if he ever does come home - will be even better, but there are days...
Anyway, I'm glad you and the others are out there. I have amazing friends who have been here to help and listen, but sometimes no one completely understands who isn't walking this walk. (It seems that my friends and family have either all successfully negotiated D to a new M or are in happy long-term Ms - neither of which I'm at).
(What were we thinking???) - and overextend ourselves financially! - and that our boys are getting ready to fly the coop and get their own lives, and all that had begun to crack in our M for my H just broke. (maybe it was R-fatigue since during our M we had weathered parent alcoholic deaths, sib suicides and S2 congenital heart defects - these last couple years were just too much?)
