Anned....I do remember those mixed feelings...I was in a real pickle when H left...you see we had moved in with family because his real estate career wasn't taking off...we had pretty much had to sell everything we had to live...then to top things off just months before he left (but well after he planned to)I lost my job of 7 years...
So I decided to embark on a new career that presented itself from contacts at my former job...School Bus Driver...now that in itself came with many hurdles...too many to go into now...but one thing that was pointed out was the need for "special needs" bus drivers...I sat in class thinking to myself "NO WAY...I can't deal with all that depression, those poor kids, etc." Guess what???...I would not change it for the world!!!...I learned some very important things that really helped me during this most depressing time of my life (I was 15 when H and I met/dated and 42 when he left me)....
1)I really did have so many things to be thankful for....Healthy children being one major one... 2)These kids weren't depressing and didn't need my pity! 3)These families had every right to gripe and complain yet they came out to the bus everyday with a smile...HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
With my new exposure I was able to really really start seeing that even though my H had left me, I had financial struggles, I had never supported the family (with the help of my adult D's I do now), I had so many many many things to be greatful for...thus started my road up....
Quote:
Do any of you find it difficult to balance the walk between becoming the new you, that person exorcised of demons who anyone might love and want, and knowing that you are a good person anyway and that the only reason you are doing any of this is to attract the attention of the one person you aren't supposed to be changing for?
Yes you are a good person...and you always were...that is not the problem...this is what I think happens in our situations...we get comfortable!...I think it is that simple...and that complicated...we get comfortable with things and STOP changing as we might if we weren't comfortable...and since our H's aren't comfortable they are changing and when we don't meet up with them in this they just start bouncing wildly like a pin ball....so you aren't changing because there is anything wrong with you...but more that you are catching up...and yes, someone else might be quite happy with the "you" that are now....or that you were then....or that you will become...it just so happens that our H's in their own confusion need change...and believe it or not...even those these changes aren't necessarily dramatic...not like we were wicked witches..they do help us to grow and improve...because we all know there is ALWAYS room for improvement...just stay true to who you are and you will be fine...
I filed for D twice...yes, I went through a whole range of emotions and knee jerk reactions that looking back weren't really necessary...I did start to think that I was better off finding someone new who would love ME for ME...but what I found in that (I only talked and we met for a weekend, kept separate rooms, hugged a few times but never kissed) was that my heart was not really ready to open up to another...I had to tell this wonderful man that I had come to know that I was not over loving my husband...thank GOD he understood...but it still hurt him which made me resolve to NEVER seek out another until I was totally DONE...DIVORCED
As for your alter boy...my H gave no indications to me of OW because she didn't live close by...after he left he made a few "business trips"...I never had a clue...he said he had no interest in another relationship, it was wrong, we were still married, that would be adultery, blah blah blah...even as I faced him with the proof he said he didn't do it because there were so many diseases out there he would be stupid to sleep with someone he didn't know...well guess what...when I called and talked to "her friend" I got the proof that he couldn't deny...and he finally admitted it...and he admitted that it was all "unprotected"!!!....so you just never know about a mixed up man who could be in MLC...
I can tell you that no matter what it doesn't mean it is over...yes it hurts worse then any hurt you have know...and you ask how we last so long...one day at a time...I literally thought I would go out of my mind at times...I am a very physical person...very social...so I had to really busy myself..and I dug in...it is like the marriage version of Survivor....Out Play, Out Wit, Out Last!!!
....and I won my marriage back...but this time things are going to be different...we have been together now for just over a year...things are still improving...and coming up...it is a challenge...but I feel the love in my heart...and from H that makes it all worth it!!!
