I am still in a funk. Yuk. I hate being like this. I think the root of it is that I am feeling starved for appreciation and validation. I *know* this isn't RIGHT, but I just think it's what is probably at the root of it. I think I am feeling sorry for myself. I have also been feeling just . . . irritable, like my emotions are out of control or something.
H let me sleep until 9:45. But then as soon as I woke up, he went back to sleep. This is a pattern I cannot stand and just tried to talk to him about last weekend. I told him I would rather he NOT let me sleep, but we could both wake up. Anyhow, he slept until 12:30. Don't get me wrong, I love to sleep in, I am a night owl and not a morning person at all. I also understand he works all week long, but I feel like our day is half over when this happens.
So he mentions taking daughter to see Shrek. We don't have extra money this week, so he was going to have to do it on the credit card. (Sad, I know.) I suggested he take her to the dollar theatre. He didn't want to. He tried to talk to me and basically was asking (nicely) if I wanted to go. I had made it clear a few days ago that he should just take her because I don't think I'd like it too much. I was disappointed in a way because it would have been a fun family thing, but she got her Daddy time which I know she misses out on during the week and it was better for our 13-month old to not be dragged to a movie where he would have just squirmed and jabbered the whole time.
I made lunch, but the dining table was full of d's craft stuff and they were in a hurry to get to the movie, so we all just sat at the coffee table and kind of scarfed it down. Not the lunch I had planned, but no biggie.
I packed some gummy worms for her to take in a little purse. A few minutes later, he shoved some different candy in his pocket and said, "I don't want her accidentally dumping the purse or forgetting it, so I'll just take this instead." Whatever. It's little stuff I know. . .
When they came home, he did not talk to me, and I mostly talked to d about the movie. He started paying some online bills, etc. I just felt kind of ignored. Finally after a few minutes playing outside with the kids while he worked, I came in and cheerfully said, "How was the movie?" He said it was good, she fidgeted some, but overall she was good and enjoyed it.
I tried to talk with him as we were all outside. I wanted to show him some flowers I'd planted and where I had weeded, etc. He had his head buried in the mail. I said, "Can you hear me?" He said no. I repeated myself, but he said, "Come here, what's this?" It was a Marriage Encounter registration I had filled out for us online. He said when is it? What is it? All sounding very peeved. He said I can't go those dates, you need to ask me about this stuff first. I explained that it had been weeks ago that I had looked for it online. He read the first line of the letter, "In an age where marriage is being attacked..." He said, "They're a bunch of anti-gays!" (That is something he really feels strongly about.) I said, "When I looked it up online, it did mention that it was Christian, but it did NOT say they were anti-gay." He said, "I believe you that it didn't, but still." I walked off and he said, "Come over here! Don't just say something negative like that! Come talk to me!!" My jaw dropped. I said, "You're the one who said something negative!" He didn't really respond to that, but I just said, "You try looking for help for our marriage that isn't religious or New Agey (his other complaint.)" I said, "It was one we could actually afford too." He said, "I thought we were paying for weekly counseling. If that's not helping us, then maybe we should stop wasting our money because it's starting to rack up." I said, "I didn't seek out a marriage encounter weekend because our MC was not beneficial. I told you that I registered weeks ago."
That was about the most that we fought, but I was just irritated all night long. He asked me if I was taking my medicine because I sure had been irritable the last few days and I told him that question was like the equivalent of asking a woman if she is on the rag. He stood his ground that my behavior merited the question. I said yes, I was. He said more than once that I had been like this for several days now and that "it maybe a personal flaw of his" but after a while it's all he can do to just start sending it back at me.
He kept putting trash in the top of a full trash can. (I take out the trash 95% of the time.) He made daughter a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and left everything out on the counter. He made himself cereal and left the bowl and cereal box sitting on the counter. Those are little things, I know, but it feels like he doesn't really respect me. So I took out the trash, I cleaned the kitchen. He had asked me what I wanted to do for dinner earlier because he was hungry and said he didn't really get a chance to eat before the movie. He was basically saying, I'm gonna go eat. So I just shared some mango that I cut up for d and ended up gorging on Pringles and Breyer's while we watched Saturday Night Live together. He did at least ask me to do that. I had told him I was in a funk and felt like he didn't give a sh!t about me. (I know, I know!!) He said, "well, you know I do, don't you think that's internal? Is your Depo shot about to wear off and your hormones are out of whack?" I said no.
We haven't had sex in the past 3 days. I thought today would go differently. I didn't even leave the house, which sucked. I feel like a zombie. I am hoping tomorrow goes better. I told him I'd like to do something as a family tomorrow. He said, "you plan it out." I said, "It'd be fun to go to the park." He said, "that'd be ok" not sounding very excited.
Ok, so clearly, the MAIN thing I have to work on right now is PMA. I need to let my mood be based on ME, not his reactions to me. I think if he seemed to be showing some respect for me, I would be able to do that a bit easier. I know my situation is different from others and I don't even know if I should stay on this board or move to a different one. Cadesmom, maybe you and I should find a home besides SSM?? (Your H definitely wasn't sex-starved when he was deployed!!!) I guess I'm technically a Newcomer?? What do you think?
We did say ILY tonight, but I'm sure he was thinking, "Jump on me." I don't want to when things are like this though. That's part of my problem. When things aren't *good* between us, it's like there's a wall and I don't know how to break down the wall.
Ok, PMA starts here... I'm gonna list some things I'm grateful for: We had BEAUTIFUL weather here today and I planted some purple coneflower in our front flower bed. My son slept most of the day and I got some alone time! I have had fun planning a wedding shower for my best friend Missy. Joey is trying to be nice to me during my funk even if he doesn't do everything I would like him to do. We take our first steps towards working out the 1992 stuff in two IC sessions this week. (scary, but a good thing too.)
That's all for now. Sorry so rambling. Thanks so much for reading. If ANYONE read all that, I would love to hear from you. I appreciate it so much!
He did at least ask me to do that. 
