HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[forward]

Wow, I got a very similar spiel.

I konw your baby is very little now (mercy, how do you have time to be online). You may want to work on just dealing w/H verbally. When he talks R, see what happens if you act preoccupied. Mmm. Uh huh. See what happens if, when he talks about not being right for each other, if you act skeptical too--hmm, maybe you are right. I did that and the backpedaling was most interesting. Well, I need to be taking some steps to move forward myself.... Don't use the D word.

Then I would suggest that as soon as you are able, start doing adult things. I managed to get H to stay late to take care of toddler multiple times. I went out to dinner w/friends, shopping, etc.. I got a makeover and a haircut, I am redoing the bedroom, and I am going to get a henna tattoo and wear a toe ring. Then I am planning to take tennis lessons and looking at a club to join, maybe something where I can take the baby.

Here's the thing: He thinks he can waltz out and play w/OW for a while, and then he can waltz back and give you a few compliments and you will take him back.

He needs to start seeing that he isn't going to get to call all the shots.

My H had same attitude--since I started my activities a lot of the arrogance and hot air have gone out of him. He hasn't started to pursue so it's not like I can claim success...but he is looking chagrined.

[forward]

And Lisa...the boundaries will make you feel great.

[LisaLost]

oh I am not rushing anything- just looking for advice. I am staying with my mom until I fully recooperate so the boys play and I am online holding the baby sleeping while i type- keeps me sane!!

i know that last time i moved on with life he freaked out, I plan on doing more once i am feeling better.

I think being away from us again is wearing on him-


lisa

[forward]

Lisa: I also recommend "Why Men Love Bitches." I found it most interesting. In fact, quite a few books for single women have got me thinking. Basically, a lot of the commentary is about respecting yourself.

It would say that you want him to starting doubting that he has 100% hold on you.

[LisaLost]

He texted me text me this morningand told me to have fun at my brother's party- I sent : we plan on it. Well here is how our text convo went

H: Yeah I am sure the boys will have fun
M" we all will
H: Lisa I do think about this, all of this
M: what do you mean by that
H: well I don't believe you love me- and right now I don't love you like that- I respect you alot
M: ok well
H: I am not dating, seeing or anything anyone else- I will swear on my kids about that one
H: I am not going to file anytime soon-I don't know what the future holds
M: I don't either
H: just don't push me
M: I just miss you, us (wrong I know but I felt it at the time)
H: if I had to choose now I would say - we weren't going to work out
H: just have fun today okM
M: I will


I am so afraid to say anything- it may be the wrong thing. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[forward]

Lisa, I think you did fine. Don't worry about being textbook perfect--I've screwed up, too, but am working to hold to the basic ideas.

Maybe I'm not one to give advice since I am not successful at this time but I am also feeling a bit optimistic today (definitely a roller coaster ride).

Just reiterating the basic DB conversation dealies, since that's probably your best focus for the time being.

-If he initiates R conversation, avoid it until he starts to show some signs of wanting to work on R (you done good!)
-No I love yous.
-Don't be too quick to answer phone (if you usually are).
-End conversations first (I would add--try not answering at all sometimes. You are very busy after all.)
-Don't defend yourself.
-Try agreeing w/him when he says he's not sure about things. "Me either. Maybe you're right."
-If asked about changes in you, be vague. Say you are thinking about the future (this is my favorite).

Hang in there, sista. No matter what happens, you are a strong woman and you are going to be OK.

I am finding that this whole situation has made me stronger.

[LisaLost]

H just called- it's really late!!!

Me: hello
H: hey are you busy?
me: nope
H: well are the kids sleeping?
Me: yes
H: oh ok (silence)
Me: is there something you want to say?
H: No (silence)
Me: (Silence)
Me: well I need to go I am going to go to bed
H: ok (silence)
this went on for like 10 minutes- I finally told him I really needed to go and that if he wanted to talk to me about something he could call back tommorrow, I then told him good night and hung up- Now I said all this very nicely

What is with that? it was like he had something to say but didn't and he just kept me on the phone


OH these MLC aliens will drive you to drink!!!!

I think Christy is having a similar issue!!

Lisa

[new_mommy2]

Hey Lisa, it's Tonya. Reading your story has given me the courage to post. You can read my sitch on the We're Separated...What Now? forum, titled Separated and Pregnant, advice appreciated. Anyway, I was just reading over your hubby's phone call and our husbands seem quite similar in that they are one person one day and a totally different person the next.

I hated how he spoke to you after the baby was born but am now confused by this more recent phone conversation. I agree with everyone else that you need to focus on that beautiful little girl and all the joy that comes with those first few days/weeks/months of life. I go in for my c-section tomorrow and was just noting on a new post that hubby is PLANNING to stay with us at the hospital. Whether or not this will happen is anyone's guess.

I'll be thinking of you and will look for an update from you upon my return home from the hospital. Take care and know that you have a wonderful support system here.

[LisaLost]

Thanks Tonya_ I pray that all goes good for you with your birth!!!

Well I wondered when it would happen and it did this morning. My emotions got this best of me and I broke down screaming and crying to my husband. He said see that is why I left- you can't control your feelings. I was having a bad day and he called just to ask something simple and I let him have it. Then I called back to say I was sorry all weeping and crying which pissed him off even more. I just said how unfair things are and he said things were unfair to him too, that he had to sleep on an air mattress at his brother's house and doesn't get to see his kids. That he has to give up a large chunk of his salary to tak eareof me and the kids. But he said I am not calling you whining about it.( yeah he calls me and cussed me for everything in the book) I told him we needed to D he said he didn't think so right now but to do what I wanted. He said he is tired of all these sarcastic comments I make about him and another woman when he sys there is not one- remember he said he told me that to make me mad. He just said he is sick of me and my pity party about everything- I didn't think I was acting that way but I guess I am.

Have you guys ever had one of those days when you know you shouldn't but you call back anyway- well that was my day. I kept on bothering him at work when I shouldn't have and it just pissed him off more.

Ok I need to fix this-

*BACK AWAY- LET HIM CALL YOU AND END CONVO FIRST-NO TALK ABOUT US
THAT IS THE ONLY GOAL i CAN DO NOW

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Thanks,
Lisa

[new_mommy2]

Augh! I'm so sorry this happened! Here I thought things would look-up once the post-birth hormones regain control.

I have one of these episodes with my H pretty much every weekend. I don't know why the weekends are so hard. Each time, I feel more and more deflated and less like things will ever work out. I just feel like each breakdown gets added to some invisible points total against me in H's eyes. I completely know how you feel.

All you can do is pick-up the pieces, jump back into the DBing and keep moving forward. My C is teaching me about "reframing" when it comes to H and, when I feel a breakdown (or string of negative thoughts) coming on, to think of the positive things about our sitch (i.e. hubby still comes around, still an active parent, etc.). I know it's sooo hard but, the more I practice it, the more automatic it becomes.

Stay strong and have faith that he doesn't want a D, which must mean something?!