You don't have to make your feeling go away. Sometimes I have to focus on something over and over. it may not be healthy, and it may not solve anything, but dag, I have to get it out, and I have to feel, and I have to cry, and i have to love this man of mine that is killing me sometimes.
And then I am able to shake it, and go on for a while, before I do all of the above again.
Never apologize for your feeling, and never think you can't love, or talk about it, or talk about the hurt.
I know everyone here tries to "protect" us, but sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on,, and another day we may need a love smack.
You are feeling normal feelings. I find that a D is really really, not what we most want.
I do think that a D is what has to happn in most cases. It HAS to happen, so then these MLCers can realize what has happened.
Puffy is so up the OW ass his nose is brown. (Gosh that was so visual)
But, what can I do? Pray. Be a great mom.
that's it. And trust me , I am a fixr. I am the busy body, that has to get everything done, and fixed and put a little bow on it, and everything be good.
Nic. You can call me at any time, and any hour, you can cry on the phone to me or say nothing, or I can teach you spanish curse words, there is ALWAYS a need for a spanish curse word.
Feel what you are feeling my lovey. It is ok mamma, My beautiful mamma, it is very much ok.
Dear heart, be sweet yourself. It is just a matter of time, before this OW becomes a THING of the past,
Don't give their R any energy Ok?.
Get some rest lovey
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Yes, I do not know you or your sitch. No one knows how your sitch will work and no one can tell you if anything that is suggested will work. But the beautiful thing I have is that I have been in your sitch and have moved through it. I have many friends who have gone through it too. Guess what every situation is different. I have seen what works and what doesn't. I know what is like to be in a world of pain. I experienced every bit of pain that you did. I know what it is like to want to save my marriage and not do so. I also have hindsight to see what would be the best thing and, again, this is based on what I have seen.
What I am saying is that most of the time, there are no answers. And you have read DB, remember it says do something different. If you have been in therapy for years and things haven't changed, maybe it is time to stop therapy.
Althea and I are coming at this thing from a different place. We've made it to the other side. Unlike the others, we know what got us there.
Your life revolves around you. It does not revolve around your H. If you make it revolve around him, you will get nowhere. You have the basic ideas where he is, now go where you want to go. If you don't, you will remain in therapy for many more years and still go nowhere. And that is something I am sure of, because I have seen hundreds of people move through this process. Some get it. Some don't. The ones who don't stay miserable.
IMP
PS - the one liner wasn't for you, but it is always good to keep a sense of humor.
I haven't checked in on you for a long time. Sorry.
The D process is very painful for everyone involved, but in some cases it is for the best. I couldn't live with the way my life was before the separation and now that I have moved on and concentrated on myself and my life. I realize that I will never go back to the old.
I have grown so much through this process that my STBX will never catch up. She hasn't even realized that she has problems, so will never move on.
What I guess I'm trying to say is that we need to live our lives for ourselves and let our EX's live thiers. If we find our way back to each other than that is what happens, but dwelling and analyzing his life will not help. You are using energy that I think would be better spent on yourself.
Hope things get better fo you.
TD
TwinDragon Thread #11-Dragon, flying - evaluating his world.
I am doing a lot better today. I had a few minutes of bad feelings when H came to pick up the kids. He was in a very good mood, which is rare in the morning, so I automatically started thinking that he'd probably just had sex! Despite this, I was friendly and smiling; I must say that this feels a lot better than being cold.
I think I finally figured that whole thing out; it was kind of a "duh" moment, rather than an "aha" one, though. The anger makes me feel more powerful and in control, but in fact, I am giving *him* control because I am allowing him to decide for me how I should feel. Plus, it's draining, and it's not really who I am - I am just not an angry, mean person. So I will be as pleasant as I can. It did help in the mediation, too.
IMP ~
re. trying something other than therapy. I've done it off and on for 20 yrs now, but didn't usually last long till the most recent T. I stopped for a year and a half, and have just gone back. I'll see how it goes. I do think that one big issue (aside from all the childhood stuff that almost everyone has to deal with) was actually my M. It got pretty bad towards the end - last few years - and H did not want to get help, kept saying there were no problems. This led me to believe that *I* was the problem. Also, he would not touch me for a really long time, or very seldom. Again, not good for the self-esteem.
His leaving has helped me in the sense that I don't have this constant feeling of not being good enough, but - like most of us - it has also caused me to feel that it WAS all me b/c he's now happy with someone else. So it's a double-edged sword.
I thought that the "that's enough energy on that" was meant for me. I do try to keep a sense of humour, but am not always successful.
Thanks again, everyone.
Big hugs to Lissett and Lisa - you are such good friends to me.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
What I am saying is that most of the time, there are no answers. And you have read DB, remember it says do something different. If you have been in therapy for years and things haven't changed, maybe it is time to stop therapy.
If I remember correctly Nicola has some of the same deep seated childhood difficulties that I have had to deal with and if I am not remembering correctly I apologize. When I child is violated it causes pain and uncertainty that cannot be erased. The best you can hope for is to learn to cope with the feeling that pop up from time to time. You have to learn to recognize that some events cause those issues to resurface and you have to remember what worked before and do it again. This being said, that is the explanation for repeated therapy. It takes a lot to trust and when you finally do and that person leaves it really throws things in to a tailspin. It complicates the already complicated MLC and D process.
Unless you have been molested as a child you can not possibly understand the damage. I have gone many years without being bothered by the old feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness, then one event can bring it all back again and I have to deal with and move on again.
I am not saying we can't cope with life but it is a continuing process. Nicola, I feel you are doing a good job, I see alot of similarities in the way we are handling the loss of our Hs. But I can tell you that for me, I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn't want my H back and it was a lie and it didn't make it so by saying it and trying to believe it. I have learned that I can work on me and I will always love my husband. I have to trust that God has a plan for me and I have to spend time reminding myself that my H loved me very much for most of our married life and that this change of heart is so much more about him than me. I did nothing to deserve being tossed aside. I made no more or less mistakes than lots of women do in their marriage. I am still struggling but overall I am making improvements while still standing for my marriage.
I hope this helped and if I am mistaken about your situation. I apologize.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Yes, I was trying to help and I really am sorry if what I said did not help or made you feel worse. I am usually a gentle minded person and for the most part want to just offer a sympathetic ear but there have been times on this forum when I needed a swift kick in the arse and like it or not, I often got it. There were times when you were the one to deal a little 2x4 my way and while it kinda hurt a little it always made me grow.
Sometimes that reality check was what I needed to move a step forward. It would have been easy for me to linger in places that kept me sad and lonely and there are people here who will let you do that. People who will say your H is an alien and when he snaps out of it he will come back, blah blah blah...but I'm not one of those people.
We've all got our issues. We all spend time trying to figure ourselves out. We all act in ways that are sometimes comfusing--to others and even to ourselves. We are all aliens sometimes. The fact is we do the best we can with all the vulnerabilities we as humans inherently have.
Your H is doing the best he can too. You've seen the other side of the coin here where the WAS acts like a total ass and says horrible and hurtful things and abandons the LBS emotionally, financially and otherwise. Your H has not done that. He is doing the best he can with what he has to offer. The problem is that what he had to offer in your marriage was not what you needed--this is by your own admission. It's one thing for marriages to go through bad spots for a couple months or maybe even a year, but you have said there were years and years of unhappiness. With that in mind, do you think there is any chance at all that he will change his behavior within your relationship?
I'll tell you, Mitch and I get along fine until I ask something of him--like the other day I asked him to help me take care of our sick son. "Uh, well, um..." he obviously didn't want to so I just said "you know, you can just say no." And he said "well, you know, I have my day all mapped out with grading to do and I want to go to the gym." It didn't take much to remind me what a selfish, self serving man he is. he will not change in those deep ways and therefor our dynamic will never change. I know that if we were to reconcille all the things that made me unhappy before would still be there only now it would be worse because of the pain he has left in his wake and my new found resolution not to live with someone again who thinks of nothing but his own happiness. There's just no way for it ever to work between he and I again--for me this practical look helps me move on.
Neither of you are to blame for the fact that your dynamic made each other unhappy. Of course it's a shame, it is a loss that deserves to be mourned, but it is not the end of your life or your romantic world either, not by a long shot. I get he feeling you hate to feel as if you "failed" and that is why it is particularly difficult for you to let go of him entirely. You want to prove that this marriage is not a failure. But if you can readjust your concept of success and failure, you will free yourself. You can be an ginormous success in what you do in your life and how you handle this hardship--with grace and resolve and ultimately with total happiness and freedom. The best revenge after all is a life well lived!
YOu are a young and beautiful, vibrant woman. YOu really can do anything you want in life and also find someone who can be a good partner for you. All of this leads to a question: Why would you stand for your marriage? IS there something to stand for?
This is not a judgement on my part but a question in earnest. What would you hope to achieve by standing for the marriage any longer? What would happen if he did come home? Would it be better or worse after all has been said and done?
It's true, I have gotten to the other side. I know that my marriage is over and I am okay with that. I do not want Mitch back as a husband. But in that accpetance I have been able to let go of a lot of my anger toward him. That has helped to uncover the love I do have for him and I can celebrate that love without needing to posses him. I posses my love and therein lies the power you seek.
I hope you are okay and that I have not upset you. I still wonder if I have anything to offer here anymore, but I do hope that my insight can help others on some level.
A "duh" moment. I like that. I really didn't have the "aha" moments, they were more like "hmmm" moments.
The one liner I thought you meant was the "love but not in love." So I am guilty about the one liner. I wasn't saying it to be disrespectful. Some of my best moments in counseling were when my C would say things like that. They kind of smack me back to reality. I actually look back on those moments as being some of the best I had with my Cs.
As for your counseling, I would agree that if you took time off to reflect and went back, that makes sense to me. I still think one for these days I will go get some counseling, but more to help with current goals. We humans are creatures of habits and habits sure are hard to break.
Again, I apologize for the one liner, I never meant it to minimize your feelings.
