HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[always_14]

OMG

Are we M to the same man?

I think we all are....sigh.

Minus the baby, and actually saying this to my face, I have heard almost ALL of the same things...through H's spew to others, and his emails to me.

But to me, when I ask him to spew, I get "I can't get into it..." Yep, really manly.

Just as manly as screaming that the mother of your newborn child is worthless. More worthless than a dog.

Have you heard of such a thing? No. I have not heard of many of the things that happen on the boards.

This is ridiculous. You are not a bad W, mother, or person. Believe that first.

And, most real men who are dissatisfied in their M and who really want to leave do not choose to do it with all this evil spew, destruction, and intentional harm.

Honey, just let his crap roll for now and do not engage in it again.

He is garbage now, so that's all he can dish out.

[LisaLost]

Thanks everyone- it really helps to read your advice. It help me see what I already know but don't do- know what I mean?

S6's Kindergarten grad was today and H met me at the school. I took the baby b/c he hasn't seen her since she was born. He didn't ask me to do this I just did. He was already there at the school when I pulled up, I walked up and he took Kayla from me right away and started talking to her telling her daddy loved her and how beautiful she was and how he missed her etc... I went in the school and signed in and he was still waiting for me when I came out of the office, I thought he would have already went to our sons classroom. We walked in together and sat down = he sat down by me. kept talking to the baby and asked me a few questions about how I was feeling. He had Kayla during the whole program except of course when I had to feed her. After the program was lunch and he stayed for that too. When it was all over we walked out together and he asked again how I was feeling _ I told him tired and sore but other than that great. He said he had to get to work and just told bye and he would talk to me later he told baby girl he loved her and would see her soon then he left.

I did notice him sneaking looks at me and our eyes would meet for a few seconds then I would look away.

Haven't heard from him the rest of the day-

Love,Lisa

[johns_blondie]

Lisa...He's on the rollercoaster from H*ll and he's trying to drag you on it too. Just tell him no thank you...I don't want to ride!

If he calls again like he did the other night...do not talk to him. If he continues to call...unplug the phone. You don't deserve to hear all the garbage he's spewing at you. Not to mention the hormones making it about 10X worse.

My H did the same thing and I fell for it so many times. It was a control thing with him that he could make himself feel like a "big man" to degrade me like that. One night I took a deep breath and told him I was not going to listen to it and I hung up. He proceeded to call me on my home and cell phone so many times that I finally had to un-plug the home one and turn off the other one. I went to bed and the next morning when I plugged my home phone back in...it was ringing. It was him appologizing.

I'm not saying your's will do the same...but you just don't have to listen to that.

[forward]

Lisa,
I am so sorry--I know how painful it is. I got similar spew aftter birth of baby. I think Hs can't handle your vulnerability. Possible that that is the only way he can express himself.

For me, DB coach advised firming up boundaries while softening tone.

When he speaks to you like that, you have options.

-First, don't react emotionally. I know it's hard w/hormones raging as they will for a while.

-Hang up.

-Tell him to leave. Say calmly: I do not want to be spoken to in that matter and I want you to leave. If you do not leave, I will leave. Then follow through.

-Do something surprising. My H came to the house unannounced whenever he felt like it. I told him I wanted him to come to front door and knock. I also asked him not to come at 10:00 at night.

Big MLC "I will come when I feel it." (think, toddler stomping feet) So the next time he barged in at 10:00, I came to the door naked. H did not react outwardly but is rather shy and it embarrassed him, I think. Then I followed him around the house which I think made him even MORE uncomfortable.

We no longer have a problem w/H coming to house unannounced at 10:00.

In fact, H is more respectful overall. I am still working on certain things, but it is much better than before. He actually APOLOGIZED for a nasty spew. More than once, even.

Try setting boundaries as a goal. For baby steps of progress, look at getting more respect.

[LisaLost]

good afternoon

nothing great to report. H did not call last night. He did text me this morning twice about signing the kids up for summer soccer. 3 of them will be playing and it's $60.00 a kid so I told him that he could do it online and pay for it with either his debit or credit card. He asked me about Sunday with the kids and I reminded him about my brother's graduation and party. This is something I don't want to miss with the kids. This is my brother that I just found and I want to go and meet up with my dad and other siblings and try to build a relationship with them b/c I never knew them until now. He was really nice about that- normally he would have raged about it.I asked him why he was being so nice- he said that he just did not want to fight anymore. I guess the new ow is good for him!!!

He told me that "we" messed up our marriage and that nothing will fix it because "we" let it get too far out of hand. He said he knows he never wants to try again- that we tried and it didn't work. I remained silent I would have said anything I would have cried- b/c it hurts to hear him say that. He says again that "we" just don't belong together and he wasn't happy with me. I did not ask him to talk about this he did it on his own- and he said it with such calm in his voice- he said he hasn't filed anything yet.



It is really over- I don't think I can DB this marriage anymore. He has found someone that makes him happy- how does he do that? just like that just jump right on into another woman's bed AGAIN= after saying what a mistake it was the first time with the old ow.


I hate all this crying and feeling helpless. I want my marriage and I love my husband so much.Do you guys think it is time to give up? Can this be saved again?

love,lisa

[inmyplace]

Lisa,

The only thing that is important for you right now is your baby (and the boys, of course). There is no sense in trying to assess your situation at this point. And there is no need to make a decision right now either. And if I may offer, don't waste your breathe with your H. This just isn't the time.

And I am sending positive vibes to you, because you have as much on your plate as anyone who has ever come here could possibly have. be good to yourself and your children. That is where the big dividends will be recognized.

IMP

[Cinderellaman]

Hi sweet Lisa - I know how you feel, you live in momentary moments of HUGE feelings - thing is you need to stand back and even though the feelings won't disappear, they will be better placed if you stand back. Sometimes just putting your mind to something else helps !!

Last night after watching a romantic movie - I cried my eyes out once again, prayed to GOd, yelled at him asking WHY this was all happening and to PLEASE send my H back - it got so bad that I nearly called my H ....I had the phone in my hands and NEARLY DID !!!

THen I started pacing around my room and walked into the hallway - the light was on there, it kind of 'woke' me from my nightmare ideas, I decided to fold the washing and before I knew it, the worst had passed and I was able to go back to sleep !!


I hope this helps you sweety - go and enjoy your little baby, time passes so quickly with them and also time flies when you're having fun - so go have fun, and leave it up to God to see what your future brings in terms of your H !!!

Take care !!!xxx

[LisaLost]

I know and really am way too busy to put too much effort into H right now. I do have moments and I come here and post. I am enjoying my baby and my big boys very much. My kids are amazing ( all of our kids are!!! they have to be they have us as parents right guys?) H is in my thoughts sometimes and I bawl my eyes out at night but I am blaming it on hormones so I don't get to hard on myself.

H did call this afternoon. Asked about kids- how they were doing. Asked me how I felt and then said to me and I quote" I think about us more than you know and I am not running down to courthouse tommorrow. I think alot about you- you looked great at the school already skinny again, just give me some time" I just said that I am worried about myself and the kids right now and while I love him and want to save our M -that me getting myself together is top priority right now. He said that really there wasn't anyone that he was trying to make me hurt b/c he feels I hurt him. He says I think he has this wonderful life and he doesn't he misses his family. I said I miss mine too. He said he doesn't want to argue anymore. Baby started crying so I told him I had to go. I said have a good night and he told me he same then we hung up.

ok WTH? I was caught off guard so i probably didn't handle things right. what is he telling me here? Is reality sinking in? he text a few minutes ago to have a nice evening.


How do i handle this?

lisa

[cire2]

You just take it as nice news for this time!

[Holly06]

Easy does it Lisa. Slower is faster with these guys.