Jody actually advised me to start asking him to go places with me, not to dinners or places where he might be worried that R talk would come up, but rather to fun places that he would enjoy, like the races. She said this would be a good test to see how my actions were influencing him. I told her I wanted to feel connected to him again and to spend time with him OUTSIDE of our bedroom. So this is what she suggested and to see how he reacts. So far, he wants to be in the bedroom more but not do much outside the bedroom, although he has invited me to lunch and dinner a few times himself.
You're right that I feel my emotions getting wrapped up again. I just don't know how to continue along this same pathway of what I'm doing and NOT have them get wrapped up into it... I guess it's just something I'm going to have to deal with if I choose to continue this course for a while. I don't feel like I'm chasing or pursuing him, but rather being friendly and outgoing and flirtatious, and he seems to be responding to that somewhat. I do feel like talking to him but know it's not the right time. I will at least hold off until I talk with Jody on Monday and get her thoughts. This is such a crazy roller coaster ride... If I choose to continue this route, I will just have to deal with these emotions.
As far as the Xanax, I know it's not the right thing to do, but I'm giving myself a break today and am not going to beat myself up over it. It's been a tough one, and I haven't taken any for a long time now. I'm okay with it.
