You do have alot on that plate. You have your love for her for you own reasons and that is what counts. Go with those feelings but you do have to back off, what you have done in the past doesn't seem to be working, so in all reality what do you have to lose by stepping way back waiting to see what happens. I know it sucks and hurts big time, I am having to do that now. The worst part for me is I am renting a cheap apartment with not much in it, and when night falls upon me here by myself without even my son, I would swear nights can seem to last 24 hours. I went and peaked, took me about an hour and half to go thru your thread
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
to DNQ...believe it or not with many alcoholics there isn't a lot of drama...the wounds are deep and unseen to most people..but what 789 said about emotionally and physically unavailable...not being the best dad...best husband you could be...as the wife of a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that when my H did return home it was more a panic for me that he would drink then an OW!...you see in many ways the alcohol is MORE of a challenge...more of a competition... My H was so loving at times when he drank...but do you know what it feels like to only feel "desired" when H is drunk???...to only feel that fun can happen when H is drunk???...then there can be the ugly side...when he drinks too much...and the nice guy disappears and the mean, nasty one comes out to play...it is an emotional rollercoaster to live with an active alcoholic...
789....I think you are doing great...distance for now is what she needs...and time from you...time to see that you are really really doing this for YOU and not to win her back...time to heal some of the raw wounds...time to see a responsible H appear, one that won't let himself and his family down...
I hear you on saying that your wife left after you had quit drinking...it wasn't your quitting that caused to her leave...I think you know that but for the others showing up mid-span here...it was because really you had hit bottom and she couldn't do it anymore...you see...you KNEW you hit bottom...you knew you needed to change things...you needed to quit drinking...but for her it was just another LOW in a series of LOWS...and she didn't/doesn't know that there isn't a "LOWER LOW" yet to come... sso this is where she needs time...and you need to time...both for the same and different reasons...
Your wife really is being strong...I know you have hinted that her sister is probably putting some pressure on her but having stayed with you during your active alcoholism she knows how to be strong...my family tried to persuade me at times...but I can tell you when it comes to love that is a very strong bond...and as hurt as she is...that bond can still hold on to her...
Also...to comment about her knowing you were an alcoholic when you met...I have a few ideas on that...one, she may have not realized the magnatude of things...two, she may have felt that in time she would "win"...and three, she may have chose you for that very reason...perhaps you could read these two books and in time it might be good for her read them...but not now...
Codependent No More and Beyond Codpendency....these two books deal with why we sometimes choose the person who has flaws for our mates...this might help you understand more about what she is thinking because if she did "choose you for your alcoholism" then this would explain where she is right now...you can get them online at amazon.com and actually they come in one book now for about $7.50....
789...you have many positives...just keep giving her space and time...and keep SHOWING her the man you are!
Lin, Funny you should mention those books, they were brought up during my rehab, me in loving self help books bought them awhile back. As for drama, your right, there never has been much, if I try really hard I might even come up with 5 actual arguments we have had in the 10 years of marriage. The one good thing, if there is such with alcoholism, is that "I was a happy, or sleepy drunk, never mean or abusive towards her" Those are her words. Maybe a little more friskie than normal for my part, and I know that sure didn't help set the mood for her.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
My H was a happy drunk until he hit the MLC wall...and the depression set in on him... And I can guarantee the "little more friskie" certainly didn't set the mood for her...once in a while it was nice but when this became his way of approaching me it began to be a great turn off for me...it hurt for me to feel so repulsed by the one I loved so much...do you see how the emotions start overlapping and getting confusing for the other spouse?...it is hard... My H was not much into drama either...he hated if I got too emotional...but again...when he hit the MLC wall he started getting meaner and standing "his ground"...something he had not done before...this caused me to start the "walking on eggshells" routine that thus began the unhealthy chapter in our life of his MLC... I am so thankful to have him back...but I can say that there are parts of his personality now that I don't like...and parts of his "old self" that I truly miss (even if it was the drunk in him)...so again, there is still confusion...things for me to work out on my own...in my own time...
Well I don't believe i have hit my MLC, and sure hope I don't at the present moment LOL. I think that even though I am not happy about it, compared to alot of threads that I have been reading here. I definitely know what I was doing wrong "drinking" and the BS that comes with that. So I do not have to search or wonder what I was doing wrong or what she might be looking for as a change. Also there are no other "people" in our lives that could also make it even harder.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Damn weekends suck, cannot find enough things to keep myself busy. On the other hand I have been in darn good mood overall. No real reason or changes, but I just have a "gut" feeling, for the last couple days everything is going to work out. I won't get stupid or say or do anything, but the feeling makes me smile inside.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
