Signs that he's changed and is now the great guy I always wanted: - spends time with the kids doing fun stuff - comes home from work early to be with ow and her son - spends lots of time with ow - supposedly isn't drinking anymore
Signs that he hasn't changed: - now wants to spend less w/e time w/ kids b/c it is too "onerous" (IOW takes time away from him and ow) - he is in the honeymoon stage with ow, and did the same thing with me - I have no clue if he's drinking or not, no clue if he's faithful to her or has a wandering eye - still apparently doesn't believe in God - overreacts when things don't go his way - does not really seem happy (but has big work stress right now) - is not in any kind of counselling, so how could he go from being "unable to love" to being able to, just from meeting someone new? - short of divine intervention, no one can change that dramatically so quickly
That's all I can think of right now. But I needed to look at this logically.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I'm on my way out the door--probably won't be back til tomorrow, but I wanted to send you hugs and some words of observation.
Girl, you have got your head way too far up into H's world. YOu are analyzing his every move to death. It's okay to sometimes love him and sometimes not--we do that within the confines of a marriage too--it's normal. YOu do not have to stop loving him to detach but you do have to let go. You are torturing yourself by hanging onto him. You still expect him to suddenly change--not just out of MLC but into someone he is not and never was--a good mate for you.
I know you know this. And I also know it is not as easy is say it and it shall be done but woman, you're gonna have to fake it til you make it. Keep as much distance as you can between the 2 og you (this helped me detach) and get on with your life. Stop rehashing the stuff he said. Purge the words from your mind and consciousness, they mean nothing anymore. Stop trying to figure out what stage of MLC he's in. NOne of that matters in the big picture and it just keeps you up in his business and stuck in emotional limbo.
HOw he has changed or not changed also really has no bearing on what you now need to do. Listen, I know this hurts but he did do you a favor and once you begin to see and embrace that, you can really start to live.
I love you and say this with much love. You are too fantabulous for this. Show us what you've got Nicola 'cause the world is waiting for you to bloom!
Okay guys, I know - I was answering some stuff that RCR and ISLH asked me about.
RCR had asked me to look at my sitch as an outsider, and ISLH had asked me to think about what I really want. That is why I posted all this here. I really need to sort some things out in my head and, yes, they do revolve around H. I am going to be a divorced woman in a couple of months and I need to sort out my feelings about that. This is a big deal for me. I don't think that anyone was totally blase when they were in the midst of divorce negotiations and had just found out that their spouse was pretty much living with OP.
I know you are trying to help. Althea, I really appreciate your concern. IMP, I think you are trying to help in your own way, but honestly, you don't know me or my sitch. This is a really difficult time for me, and throwing one-liners at me isn't much help.
I do not feel like I have a lot to offer, that's the truth of it. I never have. And YES EVERYONE I know that's a problem. That's why I've spent years in therapy, and yet still...it doesn't go away. So what's left for me to do? I even tried the permanent solution, but (obviously) it didn't work.
Hey, if I could wave a magic wand and make my feelings go away, beleive me, I would.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Oh sweetheart, I hate that you are feeling all this pain and I know you are in pain. It is so hard to give up on something that was so much a part of your life- it is like giving up on yourself. I wish I had a magic wand to fix things for you- you have always been very supportive of me and always there to help put me back on track if I needed it in a gentle way. I think you are smart enough to know what you want and don't want and I know that you know everyone here is just trying to help. I have always said listen to what your gut is saying- the first go around my gut said don't give up and it was right- now my His gone again and has alot of issues but I am not going to give up on him- I wouldn't if he had some disease and I won't now- My gut won;t let me. Listen to your gut- I am telling you - yor instincts are right - what ever they are saying to you- don't fight it. Hope I am making sense to you- I know you have went out and GAL- I also know you are like me and think about H and your sitch no matter what and it is hard to stop. I know I keep comparing myself to ow and asking myself why. I do know that you are stronger than you think to stand this long. I trust in whatever you choose and will support you know matter what!!!
Love,Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
