As for seeing patterns as an "outsider," here goes (long):

- H hates confrontation and is passive/aggressive

- He has never been w/o a girlfriend for more than a few months (if that) since he was 17.

- He never actually broke up, but always acted so badly at the end, that she would break up with him

- He normally waited till there was someone else before leaving current gf

- He once told me, when we were dating, that women always saw him as long-term bf material, and he just wanted to date and have fun (he did that for a few months after leaving me). Most of these lasted about two years.

- He always used to like having "alone time," but now says it's b/c he was depressed (makes no sense). He is now always around people - can't be alone b/c he'll have to think?

- He has cried or almost cried about 4 times since he left 20 months ago; the most I've ever seen him cry is another 2 times during our 16 years together before S. This has always happened when he says he can't be a good husband to me, or when I tell him how he's hurt me, or (most recently) when the only thing he can give me - money - might be jeopardized. What this tells me is that this D is hard for him, too, although he won't admit it. He WANTS to be able to be there for me, but he CAN'T. Will this change? I don't know.

- He is in counseling very seldom (once every couple of months), and not at all since he has his new gf.

- He likes to help me out when he can, i.e. budget, trying to get me a good mortgage rate, offering to take the kids so I can work. He still wants to take care of me, as far as he is able.

- We did family things together in the summer, and things seemed really good.

- He told me in Nov that he couldn't be monogamous etc. Had he already met ow? I wonder if he also felt that things were going well, but then found himself attracted to someone else, so realized that he wasn't ready to be with me. He was distraught when he told me this.

- Ever since we started the D, he has become closer to ow. I thought it was because it was now out in the open (possible), but it could also be an escape from the reality of the D.

- He got an apt very close by (two blocks away), and plans to stay there for at least another year

- He tries to impress me by talking about progress he's making in his own growth or what he does with the kids. Sometimes, they are things I really don't want to hear (i.e. "I'm not touchy-feely w/ ow when the kids are around, even though its really hard"). He also will change his behaviour if I call him on it, even if he gets angry at first. He still cares what I think and values my opinion.

- He has always felt that I am better than him in many ways

- He has told me that he doesn't know how to love, that I have so much love in me and deserve to be with someone who does

- He says he is an atheist, but has not been able to set foot in a church for several years. He used to go with me sometimes, but now he cannot. Strange for an atheist - if that were really the case, it wouldn't have an effect on him.

- He hides his feelings, and has only just (since he left) begun to even know what his feelings are

- He doesn't want to hurt me, I don't think. I really believe that he means it when he says I'm better of w/o him. I do think that I'm better off w/o him the way that he is now, but who's to say that won't change?

- Is he still in replay (ow) or falling into depression (crying)? Don't know. Probably replay b/c he still goes out a lot

- He tells me things like a friend - e.g. "I'm going to Friend's birthday party tomorrow night. Can the kids stay with you?" This is hurtful b/c I feel left out, plus I'm imagining him showing off ow. He also told him he's going on holiday to Florida next w/e, although he didn't mention it's with ow (I'm guessing). Why tell me where he's going?

- He still tries to catch my eye when the kids do something funny, or talk to me about what I'm doing and stuff. It seems that he really thinks of me as a friend, but is so detached, that that is really all it is. Could it ever be more? We were friends for a year before dating.

- Actually, thinking about it, ow is not such a big deal b/c, as I mentioned, he always has someone waiting before he breaks up; so he could easily break up w/ her should he decide to come back to me.

- Do I really want this guy back? Is he going to change that much? He has had a lot of problems for a lot of years.

Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself
My thread: Trusting God's Plan