First of all, I have asked God what to do, and to take away my hope if there is none. The good news is, I am feeling better at the moment; I prayed hard last night for Him to take away the pain. I really was feeling myself falling deep into the pit. I’ve only been on the AD meds I’m on now for 18 months, so I don’t think they could have stopped working. Anyway, I woke up feeling a bit better, then got out for a bit and am now pretty good.
I don’t know if it is Him who keeps me Standing or not. I really have a hard time figuring out what’s His voice and what’s my own.
I do WANT to stop loving H, but for some reason, I can’t. And yes, I do see this as a failing, as weakness. It’s painful! We will most likely be D by the end of the summer, if not before. Our negotiations are almost done, most likely will be done in a month. Then we get L’s to look over our agreement, and if it’s okay, we submit it and a judge looks it over and signs off on it. If we agree on everything (don’t know about that yet), then we won’t even go to court. All this means that I will be divorced pretty soon, unless a miracle happens – and I really do mean, a miracle.
The loneliness is really for marital companionship. I have a lot of friends, and a few very close ones. That is not an issue. I want someone to cuddle with in bed, to share things with. To be honest, it has been years, at least 4, since I have really had that. H has never gone that long w/o a R, so he is not feeling this intense “aloneness.”
Things to do for me: Sign up for yoga again Stick to good eating habits Walk every day Take care of my appearance Do thought-stopping re. H and ow
GAL: Yoga Singing in concert on Friday Choir till end June Disney in June Scrapbooking Gardening Rollerblading every week in summer
Other (not fun) obligations: Grade term papers by end of May Plan next semester’s courses Finish D paperwork
That’s all I can come up with for now.
I will make another post on my "outsider" thoughts.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
