to DNQ...believe it or not with many alcoholics there isn't a lot of drama...the wounds are deep and unseen to most people..but what 789 said about emotionally and physically unavailable...not being the best dad...best husband you could be...as the wife of a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that when my H did return home it was more a panic for me that he would drink then an OW!...you see in many ways the alcohol is MORE of a challenge...more of a competition... My H was so loving at times when he drank...but do you know what it feels like to only feel "desired" when H is drunk???...to only feel that fun can happen when H is drunk???...then there can be the ugly side...when he drinks too much...and the nice guy disappears and the mean, nasty one comes out to play...it is an emotional rollercoaster to live with an active alcoholic...
789....I think you are doing great...distance for now is what she needs...and time from you...time to see that you are really really doing this for YOU and not to win her back...time to heal some of the raw wounds...time to see a responsible H appear, one that won't let himself and his family down...
I hear you on saying that your wife left after you had quit drinking...it wasn't your quitting that caused to her leave...I think you know that but for the others showing up mid-span here...it was because really you had hit bottom and she couldn't do it anymore...you see...you KNEW you hit bottom...you knew you needed to change things...you needed to quit drinking...but for her it was just another LOW in a series of LOWS...and she didn't/doesn't know that there isn't a "LOWER LOW" yet to come... sso this is where she needs time...and you need to time...both for the same and different reasons...
Your wife really is being strong...I know you have hinted that her sister is probably putting some pressure on her but having stayed with you during your active alcoholism she knows how to be strong...my family tried to persuade me at times...but I can tell you when it comes to love that is a very strong bond...and as hurt as she is...that bond can still hold on to her...
Also...to comment about her knowing you were an alcoholic when you met...I have a few ideas on that...one, she may have not realized the magnatude of things...two, she may have felt that in time she would "win"...and three, she may have chose you for that very reason...perhaps you could read these two books and in time it might be good for her read them...but not now...
Codependent No More and Beyond Codpendency....these two books deal with why we sometimes choose the person who has flaws for our mates...this might help you understand more about what she is thinking because if she did "choose you for your alcoholism" then this would explain where she is right now...you can get them online at amazon.com and actually they come in one book now for about $7.50....
789...you have many positives...just keep giving her space and time...and keep SHOWING her the man you are!
