I can appreciate your decision not to go back to your W, that you are not ready to entertain such thoughts. But whether you intend to ever talk to your ex again or go find a new woman, the path you need to take is the same. That path is not the one you are on now.
I dont have the inclination or the resources to 'nurture' anyone, believe that petting the bunny sets a bad precedent, not to mention shows a lack of control over your attraction if you do that nonsense, and set that expectation right from the beginning. dont consider myself a good candidate for being a H. x, who I still consider to be a extremely intuitive and satisfactorily intelligent woman, was pretty adamant about that at the end of the R.
Pulling back into your shell is understandable. Just know what you are doing and don’t try to rationalize it as something else. This is the path I see you on now and it is a dangerous one. Don’t start building such self defeating thoughts, only to protect yourself. Face the pain, deal with it, get over it. You spent a lot of time and effort to help Chrome pull himself up, to be proud of himself, accept his shortcomings and fix those areas that need fixing and take pride in those areas where he excels. So why are you going down the path of self deprecation, on the road to where Chrome used to be?
Add to that, x may have started her toe testing the waters EA prior to our seperation, but only started the A after we were seperated. She found this very important to clarify when wanting to reconcil. Unless I interpreted incorrectly, I believe you said that was acceptable. When you are a serial monogamist, Im sure it makes perfect sense. Im not, so it doesnt.
OK, so your ex is trying to rationalize and minimize her affair, saying she didn’t really have an A until the separation. What else was she to say? That she was wrong, she was a bad person, she f*cked up, she should have trusted you, she should not have challenged your power and betrayed you? Yeah, that sounds good, but then, she would only be setting herself up for you to again “eat x alive like a struggling bleating gazelle.”
She has some sense of self protection. She’s not as dumb as you think. She knows you held all the power, that you were the alpha male, that she should not challenge you. But it seems to me that was not the model she wanted. That was your model. So she challenged you. But she has no power to challenge you. What else can she do to atone for her sin other than minimize it, saying she was only “toe testing the waters EA prior to our separation.” What else can she say? Would you have listened to a sincere apology? Would you have allowed her to make it up to you? Would you have allowed her to follow the same advice you give others here in trying to repair their marriage?
This discussion is VERY much about DBing. Your sitch may be in a stage more advanced than some of the newcomers, but your growth is every bit as relevant to them as any other thread on here. Pull down the façade for just a minute and take a good, hard, honest look and think about it. I do not mean to attack. I say all this out of honest concern for you.
