I will be home at least part of the day and this evening; I would love to talk.
I'm afraid that if I really do act as if we are getting back together, I'll just be disappointed again. I can't take anymore heartbreak. Last night, I lay in bed sobbing, feeling so lonely. I just wanted to die ~ really. I can't bear the thought of them spending their little holiday together, having fun w/o kids, and then every second weekend (H wants to change the schedule; he finds having the kids every Sunday "onerous.").
And here I am, all alone. I've been alone for so long, ISLH. Even when H was here, I was alone and lonely for so many years. I don't know what to do anymore. I am just so sad.
He does not want to be with me. That's that.
Thank you for your support. I'm going to go back to bed for a bit, I think.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
This post is absolutely priceless!! It is exactly what I needed today. Thank you and thank God.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I_Still_Love_Him hit it on the money...we've all seen it and I may have pointed it out to you months ago. So there could be a few thins going on with this.
You are really not ready to let go of your marriage. You don't want to. But you wish you could and wish you wanted to let go. And I'm not talking about letting go in the way we all say you need to let go, but rather after all this and through and in your pain you still want to be married to the same person.
And so you've asked God (is that right) to help you change...your mind about what you want.
Maybe this is you or maybe it is God (and you) though. Just maybe, God is the one keeping you in it.
Mermaid has said that she's wanted to quit so many times, but God won't let her. She recognizes it as God.
You are lonely and this is feeding your depression. You are also feeding it with THOUGHTS. Thoughts of the OW and your MLCer.
Telling you to NOT think about that will just turn your mind to it. So what can we help you to think of instead. What can you fill your thoughts with...and sometiems the idea is to empty rather than fill your thoughts.
What have you done to GAL? Are you simply lonely, or is this about companionship (marital)? Would your loneliness be relieved through platonic friendships--got any girlfriends?
See, the solution for YOUR problems is not always divorce, separation, sitting down/quitting. Letting Go of expectation--YES...while holding Hope. you have attached the two things together--it's okay, most do that. The only divorce I want to see around here is that of Hope from Expectation.
Any ideas on how to do that? I'm fresh out, but input would be great.
There are also GAL activities you can do alone, or those that are in groups, but you go alone--ex. aerobics class is a group but you can go alone.
Your MLCer may or may not return. He was doing well a few months bak. But maybe it scared him...so he went in search of something convenient (OW) again. Things were going well relationally and he wasn't fuly done yet. He felt guilty that everything seemed good and he should have felt great in it...yet he didn't. So he had to run.
The idea isn't to act like you are geting BACK together. The idea, if Standing, is toa ct married because you are married and you want to be married. And ther eis no going BACK...when together you will go FORWARD...as you are going now.
Standing is not STILL. But Be STILL.
How can you reconcile these? Standing still is a stubborness to not grow, not change, and not move forward within yourself and deal with your issues. Being still is a quiet within. Finding those issues that you are to deal with. LEtting the peace that already exists within to rise up. Quieting the mind from the drama that is going on externally--and internally.
Being still propels you to move forward--it is impossible to Be and Stand still simultaneously.
ASSIGNMENT So what can you do for yourself? and What can you do that is GAL? Please make and post a list of ideas so we can see. Make a long enough list so that you do something from EACH list (somethings can be on both lists) either daily a few times weekly.
I'm reading a book called Embracing Uncertainty by Susan Jeffers. I'm not "there" yet, but it is giving me a direction to find some peace. (((Nicola)))
First of all, I have asked God what to do, and to take away my hope if there is none. The good news is, I am feeling better at the moment; I prayed hard last night for Him to take away the pain. I really was feeling myself falling deep into the pit. I’ve only been on the AD meds I’m on now for 18 months, so I don’t think they could have stopped working. Anyway, I woke up feeling a bit better, then got out for a bit and am now pretty good.
I don’t know if it is Him who keeps me Standing or not. I really have a hard time figuring out what’s His voice and what’s my own.
I do WANT to stop loving H, but for some reason, I can’t. And yes, I do see this as a failing, as weakness. It’s painful! We will most likely be D by the end of the summer, if not before. Our negotiations are almost done, most likely will be done in a month. Then we get L’s to look over our agreement, and if it’s okay, we submit it and a judge looks it over and signs off on it. If we agree on everything (don’t know about that yet), then we won’t even go to court. All this means that I will be divorced pretty soon, unless a miracle happens – and I really do mean, a miracle.
The loneliness is really for marital companionship. I have a lot of friends, and a few very close ones. That is not an issue. I want someone to cuddle with in bed, to share things with. To be honest, it has been years, at least 4, since I have really had that. H has never gone that long w/o a R, so he is not feeling this intense “aloneness.”
Things to do for me: Sign up for yoga again Stick to good eating habits Walk every day Take care of my appearance Do thought-stopping re. H and ow
GAL: Yoga Singing in concert on Friday Choir till end June Disney in June Scrapbooking Gardening Rollerblading every week in summer
Other (not fun) obligations: Grade term papers by end of May Plan next semester’s courses Finish D paperwork
That’s all I can come up with for now.
I will make another post on my "outsider" thoughts.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Why do you think you will ever stop loving H? I know I will never stop my loving my H. For many of us, once you love someone you will always love them. I still love many of the men I dated so long ago. This is not a weakness, it is a gift. You can look back on things about each person and smile. Focus on the happy years. You can love a man but it doesn't mean you need to be married to him.
I have so much loneliness for marital companionship. I keep thinking "What is do different about my life now that makes me so miserable?" and I keep coming back to this. It was so wonderful to have that best friend to talk to and snuggle with. Maybe I will have it again in a few years, but I miss it so much now. Honestly, I didn't have that closeness with H for at least 6 months before he left and I thought it was a phase caused by his depression so I lived with it. It was terrible having to ask for a kiss goodnight or to be held. I have to believe that I will have affection again someday from some man.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
As for seeing patterns as an "outsider," here goes (long):
- H hates confrontation and is passive/aggressive
- He has never been w/o a girlfriend for more than a few months (if that) since he was 17.
- He never actually broke up, but always acted so badly at the end, that she would break up with him
- He normally waited till there was someone else before leaving current gf
- He once told me, when we were dating, that women always saw him as long-term bf material, and he just wanted to date and have fun (he did that for a few months after leaving me). Most of these lasted about two years.
- He always used to like having "alone time," but now says it's b/c he was depressed (makes no sense). He is now always around people - can't be alone b/c he'll have to think?
- He has cried or almost cried about 4 times since he left 20 months ago; the most I've ever seen him cry is another 2 times during our 16 years together before S. This has always happened when he says he can't be a good husband to me, or when I tell him how he's hurt me, or (most recently) when the only thing he can give me - money - might be jeopardized. What this tells me is that this D is hard for him, too, although he won't admit it. He WANTS to be able to be there for me, but he CAN'T. Will this change? I don't know.
- He is in counseling very seldom (once every couple of months), and not at all since he has his new gf.
- He likes to help me out when he can, i.e. budget, trying to get me a good mortgage rate, offering to take the kids so I can work. He still wants to take care of me, as far as he is able.
- We did family things together in the summer, and things seemed really good.
- He told me in Nov that he couldn't be monogamous etc. Had he already met ow? I wonder if he also felt that things were going well, but then found himself attracted to someone else, so realized that he wasn't ready to be with me. He was distraught when he told me this.
- Ever since we started the D, he has become closer to ow. I thought it was because it was now out in the open (possible), but it could also be an escape from the reality of the D.
- He got an apt very close by (two blocks away), and plans to stay there for at least another year
- He tries to impress me by talking about progress he's making in his own growth or what he does with the kids. Sometimes, they are things I really don't want to hear (i.e. "I'm not touchy-feely w/ ow when the kids are around, even though its really hard"). He also will change his behaviour if I call him on it, even if he gets angry at first. He still cares what I think and values my opinion.
- He has always felt that I am better than him in many ways
- He has told me that he doesn't know how to love, that I have so much love in me and deserve to be with someone who does
- He says he is an atheist, but has not been able to set foot in a church for several years. He used to go with me sometimes, but now he cannot. Strange for an atheist - if that were really the case, it wouldn't have an effect on him.
- He hides his feelings, and has only just (since he left) begun to even know what his feelings are
- He doesn't want to hurt me, I don't think. I really believe that he means it when he says I'm better of w/o him. I do think that I'm better off w/o him the way that he is now, but who's to say that won't change?
- Is he still in replay (ow) or falling into depression (crying)? Don't know. Probably replay b/c he still goes out a lot
- He tells me things like a friend - e.g. "I'm going to Friend's birthday party tomorrow night. Can the kids stay with you?" This is hurtful b/c I feel left out, plus I'm imagining him showing off ow. He also told him he's going on holiday to Florida next w/e, although he didn't mention it's with ow (I'm guessing). Why tell me where he's going?
- He still tries to catch my eye when the kids do something funny, or talk to me about what I'm doing and stuff. It seems that he really thinks of me as a friend, but is so detached, that that is really all it is. Could it ever be more? We were friends for a year before dating.
- Actually, thinking about it, ow is not such a big deal b/c, as I mentioned, he always has someone waiting before he breaks up; so he could easily break up w/ her should he decide to come back to me.
- Do I really want this guy back? Is he going to change that much? He has had a lot of problems for a lot of years.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
