Thank you dear Lin! Next month he will be gone for a year and I too see that he has been 'gone' for longer than that. The 'what ifs' drive me nuts especially regarding OW. Your words give me strength. sometimes I feel like all the succes stories are done within 6 months but reading yours gives me hope.
The changes I made on me are perminent. When he started the affair I was overworked and stressed out. I found my true self again. I learned a lot about myself: things I saw that I did not like and I learned that I had taken him for granted in different ways which I never noticed until the bomb.
A week after he questioned me about my changes being a trick he asked me if I even saw the immense changes myself. He wondered about that in a positive way.
He was planning to go abroad for three months in a stretch and last thursday he said he couldn't do it. He needed to come to see us every two weeks because otherwise he was so irritated and gloomy it was no fun being around him. He went on and on how he missed DS and it was so hard on him but he had to do this businesswise... I was surprised because a year ago he couldn't care less, was irritated about DS (bottles, middaysleep, regular day etc.) and sometimes did not see him for three or more weeks in a stretch. Even when DS and I returned from a month long 'vacation' it took him almost a week after we returned to come see us.
So now I'm thinking to myself what to do. The road is paved even though I do not say ILY. I read in other threads about boundaries and not being a doormat. I question myself about this. When he comes around I'm upbeat, sweet and funny and I care for him. he is more comfortable at our home and more talkative. I make him number one. I do it because it is a 180 in some ways aswell and I needed an opportunity to show him who I am and maybe to be honest what things could be like. We do things as a family and it is very nice. I wanted to do this up until he left for the three months.
I thought to myself I'll give him a 'delicious piece of cake' and when he leaves for the other country he will start missing it. Because there he is with OW and her family all the time and I feel he will feel pressured with OW for three months in a stretch. But now he takes breaks from them during the three months. When he is overhere I know OW is still abroad so I do get his undevided attention. He talks about when the three months are over he wants to live nearby. I never reacted to this and lately he has been asking me questions how I would feel about that. He also told me he was very irritable if he could not reach us and depressed for almost the whole day. He said he needed to know where I was going and for how long because otherwise he would go sick with worry.
What do you think... should I become a little less available for him when he is over here or do I take advantage of the fact I have him to myself to draw him nearer.
Sorry for the long HJ post on your thread.... the situation changed and I'm not so sure what to do... HUG BB
