Just checking in. I'm still alive. Things have been going much better for us (I think). H has stayed home 6 nights out of the last two weeks. That is more than he has stayed home in the 6 months combined that this has now been going on. I am excited and confused all at the same time.
After I talked with Jody (DB coach) the last time, one thing that really stuck out that she said to me was that one of the hardest things for people to do when DBing is to stay the course on something, to stick to it. For some reason, that really resonated with me. When I talked to her, it was a couple of days after H had stayed with me for those two nights after shrimping. I was devastated because he had stayed with me, we ML, and then he went right back to her bed. I was frustrated and confused and asked for her advice on what to do.
We talked through a few possibilities regarding him coming home and us ML. One was that I wouldn't do it anymore while things are the way they are. The second option was two find a way to detach myself emotionally from ML and just enjoy it for exploring my sexuality. I didn't think I could detach my feelings from ML in that way and didn't know if I even WANTED to do that, so I thought long and hard about the best course of action.
When H stayed with me those two nights after shrimping, what I had started to do differently was to be more flirtatious with him, more outgoing and seductive, if that makes sense.
Jody cautioned me to really think about "letting him have it," which is what I felt like doing when he went right back to her. She said I could destroy the potential good that had happened when he did stay with me. She also said another option I could do was to tell him that I was sorry for asking him whether he was going to come home (I had asked him the third night after he had stayed over two nights whether he was coming home that night, and he had told me yes but then stayed with her instead), and that I didn't want him to think that just because we had sex that he had to feel obligated to come home.
I really thought about what she said and decided to dig deep within myself and muster up everything I had to "act as if" nothing had happened. I said absolutely nothing to him about him not coming home that night when he had told me he was going to. I said nothing about him staying with her. I said NOTHING at all about anything to do with the situation or our R. Instead, I called him and apologized for having not talked with him in the last day and a half (I had done that on purpose until I talked with Jody to see what her advice would be - I didn't want to contact him and "mess up"). So I just told him that I had been extremely busy and that I was sorry I hadn't gotten in touch with him sooner.
Then I just proceeded to be the flirtatious, fun person I had been being. It about killed me, but I did it. So that was Wednesday, May 9th. I continued acting this same way on Thursday as well.
I also read a new book that Jody recommended called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I would highly recommend it. It talks about how to make connections with your spouse without having to actually talk about it. Jody recommended it to me when I told her about my continuing urges to want to talk to him about our R, etc. It really was an eye-opener.
So I really worked hard to keep acting as if and being flirtatious and fun-loving and on doing the exact opposite of what I was feeling. I was giving him compassion when I didn't feel like it. I started complimenting him on how much I appreciate how good he is in our business and how impressed I am with all that he has accomplished. These were genuine compliments that I truly meant and feel. I just really worked hard to "take notice" of things that he was doing and to let him know that I appreciated it and was impressed. I have been working really hard to lift him up and make him feel good. Again, this isn't a "show." It's how I really feel. I just have been working hard to verbalize it. So absolutely no R talk and being very supportive and complimentary and flirtatious. It's almost been like doing a 180 on the last resort technique. Rather than distancing myself from him, I was doing the opposite in many ways.
So that Friday, May 11th, I took it up just a notch. I got him a cute, funny card and just thanked him for working so hard on our business. On the last line of the card, I said something like that I hoped to see him soon. That was it. Something to let him know that I was thinking about him but nothing over the top. I also got him a candy bar and a yard bird (inside joke). I put everything in his truck at the job site for him to find.
I was leaving the next morning to go to my parents' house for Mother's Day. H came home that night fairly early (around 9 o'clock or so) and stayed with me that night. He brought a card for me to take to my Mom from him for Mother's Day. We had talked about him getting it to me for me to take, but he hadn't had time during the day, so he said he would bring it over. And then he ended up staying the night with me. I didn't ask him to. We ML again, and it was wonderful. (BTW, I do hear and understand what you're saying about ML and the risks, etc. I continue to consider that as I move through this process. I am very appreciative of your concern, so thank you.)
Saturday morning when I went to leave, I found a card from him in my car. It thanked me for the bird and card and for working so hard. He told me to drive safe and that he would see me soon.
I went down to my parents' house and had a nice weekend. It was fun and difficult at the same time. Somehow I managed to keep it together and enjoy my time with Mom.
I came home on Monday night and cried when I got home, as I could tell that he hadn't slept at home at all when I'd been gone, so it just pulled at my heartstrings again. But, again, I sucked it in and just let myself cry and didn't say anything to him about it. He had blown up the engine in his car on Monday and was driving my old car. He was working on it on Monday over at his parents' house, so I grabbed a few beers out of the refrigerator at home and drove over to his parents' house to give them to him to commiserate with his car problems. I had to go over there to get some paperwork from him, so I didn't make a "special" trip over there. He thanked me for the beers. I was again flirtatious and acted as if everything was fine. It was hard, but I did it.
Then he came home again that night after he finished working on the car! I again just played it cool. We ML again, and it was really nice again.
Then Tuesday night American Idol was on. I asked him if he wanted to watch it with me, and he said he'd see how the night went. He didn't show up and didn't call. I'm presuming he stayed with her but don't know for sure. My heart ripped out again, but I stayed the course...
So Wednesday we had a milestone occur at our job site and were both really excited. We decided to go out and celebrate that night. We did, and he came home again.
Then last night we had one of our monthly business meetings, and he asked me out to dinner afterwards and then come home again. So he stayed with me three nights last week and three nights this week.
Yesterday and today we had some really big improvements with our communication regarding our business. We had some meetings that we both attended together regarding future projects. I told him how impressed I was with how much knowledge he has gained and that I really enjoyed spending time with him learning about what he was learning. We really connected regarding the business and had some great conversations surrounding that.
This morning he got up around 5:45 and said that his mind was spinning about the business and all he had to do and that he couldn't sleep and was getting up to go to work. I also had not slept well and had woken up in the middle of the night with my own mind spinning about the business. We really had a good conversation about it yesterday that really motivated me.
When he left, I found myself worrying whether he was going over to her house. I was exhaused because I had been up in the middle of the night and had taken some sleeping pills that had kicked in, so I was finally able to get back to sleep but woke up several times tossing and turning with worry until I got up.
I talked to him this morning and again found myself wondering whether he had gone over to her house. I just kept telling myself that I had to let it go because I couldn't ask him whether he had gone over there and there was nothing I could do to find out whether he did, so I just had to let it go. However, it kept nagging in the back of my mind for some reason. I know this is probably normal considering the circumstances and that this will be expected when he does come back home "full time" in that I will find myself worrying when I don't know for sure where he's at. I guess time will be the only thing to cure that.
At any rate, I decided to kick it up a notch again today. I got some wine and cheese and crackers and packed it up in a cooler. After our business meeting today, I asked him if we could go to the park for a few minutes. He was reluctant (our meeting lasted way longer than we expected), but he drove us there. When we got there I took out the items and a card I had gotten him thanking him for all of the inspiration and movitavation regarding our business. We sat there and talked and ate the snacks and drank the wine. In the card I must have said that I was lucky to have him because after he read it he leaned over and kissed me and said he was lucky to have me, too.
After we were there for a while we drove around and looked at some more real estate for a few minutes and then drove back to the office. I stayed there for a short time while he sorted through some paperwork I brought him. Then I left to go home. We called my mom on a three-way call when I was on my way home to talk to her about a business item she's working on. We got off the phone with her a little after 8 o'clock tonight. I called him back briefly just to thank him for taking the time to talk with her. Then we got off the phone.
So he didn't come home tonight. I slept for a few hours and then woke up and decided I needed to know whether he was with her again. When I was at the office today, I noticed the it looked like he had showered there, and he hasn't done that yet. I was encouraged that maybe he was spending some nights there, that maybe he had ended it with her or at least was working towards it. So I just felt like I needed to know for my own peace of mind where he was at tonight. I need to know where things stand.
So I drove up there and found MY car at OW's house - OUCH. I know it seems petty, but it hurt to see MY car there. Technically, though I've always driven it since we got it, my newer car is in H's name only, as he bought it when I wasn't at the dealership with him. But the car he's driving now is the car I've had since I was 18. So it was hard knowing all of the history I've had with it to see it now over at OW's house. I had thought about that when I first came home from my parents' house, that I should tell him that it would bother me to have him take my car over there. But then I talked myself out of it, deciding to take the "choose my battles wisely" approach and just suck it up and let it go. But tonight it was hard to see my car there.
So no tears tonight, just further contemplation. I'm hurt that he's there, but he hasn't told me that he's ended it with her and hasn't brought all of his clothes and toiletries back home, etc., so it's not as if he's lying to me. But it's still so hard and confusing to understand what he is doing and what's going on in his mind. I haven't said word one about our R/OW/etc I believe since the day I blew up at him at the job site about not having been available the night before when I was having all of the problems there, etc. So if I'm remembering right that that was the last time, it will have been three weeks tomorrow since I've said anything at all about our R, other than the few small hints in those cards just about hoping to see him soon, as in today's card I said the same thing. I've been tempted to just ask him for reassurance that he still wants to work things out in our M, but I've somehow managed to restrain myself. I talked to Jody about it and told her that it really helped me to ask him for the reassurances, as it helped to keep me going and fighting. She said that he's just going to tell me what I want to hear. While I know this, I guess it still helps to hear it anyway. But I have been good and haven't even done that.
I don't know if today I pushed to hard with the wine and crackers, etc., or if he really did feel guilty and saw her this morning and then stayed with her tonight. etc. I can't know that. I had a good time doing the "picnic" thing with him and don't regret it. It was just another gesture of good will and working towards connecting with him. I can only hope it accomplished that but will now step back a bit and see what happens from here.
My goal in doing these things has been to "stay the course" on trying something new and watching his reaction. Since he has stayed home 6 nights in the last two weeks. I would say that I am getting some very positive feedback. Tonight at the office he even "slipped" (I'm guessing) and said "love you" when I was getting ready to leave. I just acted casual and kind of blew it off and just said "love you too" back - I didn't want to call attention to it or make a big deal out of it. When he actually loooks into my eyes again and tells me that he loves me, that is when I will know that it is truly coming from his heart again.
So over the last couple of weeks we have had increasingly good communication and interactions. It seems as if what I am doing has been working. At the same time, it's tearing me apart because he's still staying with her. I just have kept reminding myself tonight that I have to continue to concentrate on "me" and this fun, flirtatious person I am. I can't worry about her but need to focus on me and making myself the person he wants to be with. I can only hope that since he has stayed with me so much more in the past couple of weeks that SHE is now the one pressuring him and asking questions about where he's been, etc. But then there's the little devil on my shoulder worrying about whether he felt "guilty" this morning and went over to her house early and then now is with her again tonight. I know I'll never know and need to just let it go, and I'm working on it.
So the plan now is to still not say anything and continue along this same course and continue to watch closely his reactions. I certainly can't do this forever as far as "sharing" him with someone else, which is what I feel like I'm doing. It is killing me to ML to him and then have him be with her. But I can feel him coming closer to me, so I just feel like I need to focus on that and keep this course for maybe a few more weeks and see where we are at then. I'm afraid to say or do anything now - I don't want to ruin the progress we've made. At the same time, there is only so long that I can go on with allowing myself to sleep with him and then go back to her. It's not healthy it more ways than one, and it hurts too much. ML MEANS something to me, as I told Jody. That is why this is so hard. And I don't want to minimize that or "cheapen" ML to him. I can only pray that someday ML will be a magical, emotional thing between us again. For now, I just have to look at it as hopefully taking some steps to make us connect again.
Sorry for the long post. I wanted to get you up to date and just needed to vent and get this all out. Thanks for listening. I welcome any input you all have from the outside looking in. This is really, really hard, but I feel like we're moving in the right direction. As much as I want to "check in" with him to see if he feels the same way, I need to wait on that. I'll probably talk to Jody again before making any changes in my current methods of operation. I want to hang in there with this for a while longer and see where it takes us. Wish me luck and strength...
