I totally understand what you mean and wish that someday my H understand this need that I have..."the need to be understood" So often I say or do something...or even try and explain something to him and he goes off thinking I meant something totally different...or he rejects me because he doesn't get where I am going...to be understood...truly understood is a glorious thing...and if my H just once said "I am trying to understand what you mean...."...I would fall all over myself..
But all is not lost in your situation 789, the fact she is "waffling"...not sure of what she wants says volumes of hope still exists...I didn't get this reassurance from my H when he was "out there"...it took lots of time and diligence on my part to take care of me so that I would be someone he wanted to return home to...but I feel I did that...
I'm sure my wife would say the same thing, only she'd tell you that I just try to talk her out of her feelings so they're just like mine, and it's true. She said I was controlling and I never thought I was because she did whatever she wanted, but I couldn't let her think differently from me for some reason??? Co-dependence is a marriage killer!
Lin, where is your sitch, I'd love to read up on how you got things back together.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
JRyan...I know you can look up my past posts...someone did it not long ago on my active thread...if you click on my name you should be able to find it...
I'm really liking your chances here. You are doing the one of the key things my wife has been looking hard for me to do; follow up and do what you say you are going to do. You are doing that with your continued sobriety (good work on that, congrats).
Plus, your ability to DB early on has made a big difference. I wasn't so, er, graceful? Mostly, I did the anti-DB and am still struggling. Snooping is one of my big downfalls, but it's getting better.
Your W's comment about you moving into the apartment being "too soon for that" it definitley a sign. You handled it very smooooooooooth. I probably would have wrecked the car, but that's just me.
As to what JRyan said above, what is her main beef? I can understand the alcohol thing and the destruction it brings, but is that all?
Want a real soap opera? Take a look at this. (sorry about the messy thread link)
Me: 39 WAW: 40 S10, D7, S6 Bomb #1 - 12-24-06: Move out (ILYBNILWY - admitted '05 PA) Move back: 3-2-07 (W: I still want to be married to you) Bomb # 2 - 4-11-07: (W: Can't do this - never loved you) Move out again: 4-29-07 Dark: 6-8-07
I have been an alcoholic long before we got married and she knew that. It wasn't till I actually quit, after 2 weeks, (73 days now) that she asked for the divorce. So the biggest things I believe is that because of the alcohol I was not available to her emotionally, or even physically at times. I would have to believe her biggest worry is that I have not quit for good, and fears that I may slip and start again, and there is nothing I can do about that but have her see that I am in this struggle for sobriety for life and will not let it beat me. We have never been great about finances, but never starving by any means, I have been employed by the same company long before we met
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
I totally understand what you mean and wish that someday my H understand this need that I have..."the need to be understood" So often I say or do something...or even try and explain something to him and he goes off thinking I meant something totally different...or he rejects me because he doesn't get where I am going...to be understood...truly understood is a glorious thing...and if my H just once said "I am trying to understand what you mean...."...I would fall all over myself..
But all is not lost in your situation 789, the fact she is "waffling"...not sure of what she wants says volumes of hope still exists...I didn't get this reassurance from my H when he was "out there"...it took lots of time and diligence on my part to take care of me so that I would be someone he wanted to return home to...but I feel I did that...
Thanks imLin, I agree the "waffling" all of a sudden and without me saying a word is a great feeling but I also do not want to make it so that I take it wrong or to fast so I will just continue as I have been, no snooping, being helpfull when needed, and giving her all the space she wants, etc... and pray that with how I am now taking care of myself it will show that I am for real to her. I don't remember if I put it in here earlier, but along with stopping drinking, the excersizing and eating better than I ever have, I have lost 45 pounds, 10 more and I am back to my weight at 21 and I think she has noticed that way more than the alcohol free person.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
DadNotQuitting, Yeah the alcohol I would have to say is it 100%, but you have to realize all the things that can happen with the alcohol which just contributes to the problem, wieght gain, not emotionally available, not the dad I could be, physically turned off, etc... So not a whole lot of drama just a whole lot of alcohol. I am now off to go read your link.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
This is funny. There seems to be a very common element to our situations that I see time and time again on this forum. Weight loss!
789 - way to go on the 45 pounds! Since my bomb was dropped on Christmas Eve (merry x-mas to me, eh) I am down 52 pounds as of yesterday. From 226 (32% body fat) to 174 (17%). I'm a bit below my target weight, and am now readjusting my training to add more weights and "bulk up" to about 185. Anybody need any 40" waist pants? My 32"ers are now getting loose!
I have seen three or four people on here in the last week talking about weight loss.
One of the reasons my wife lost respect, then lost love for me is that I didn't respect myself enough to take care of myself, inspite of a lot of "hints". My wife, in a manner of speaking, is pretty hot and has always take awesome care of herself, so I think her seeing me like that was disappointing. I agree with her, a spouse has something of a duty to not only be emotionally in good health, but physically as well. For us, she said it had a lot to do with my family heart history (dad dead at 53, mom at 59 - both HEAVY smokers and overweight, I've never smoked) and that she wanted me around for her and the kids.
Good news, I'm saving about $1,000 on my life insurance for a new policy I'm getting because I'm no longer considered overweight! Diet and exercise, works every time.
BTW, of course my wife has noticed the change, she has not one single time said anything about it in a positive manner. She grabbed the remaining fat on my tummy (almost gone, here comes the six-pack abs) and said "that's not going to go away without surgery". Yeah, thanks for that.
DNQ
Me: 39 WAW: 40 S10, D7, S6 Bomb #1 - 12-24-06: Move out (ILYBNILWY - admitted '05 PA) Move back: 3-2-07 (W: I still want to be married to you) Bomb # 2 - 4-11-07: (W: Can't do this - never loved you) Move out again: 4-29-07 Dark: 6-8-07
Damn, teach me to say I am going off to read another thread, not sure how long it took to read yours. Not that it is good, but my problems with wife seem like a cakewalk compared to what you have been going thru. Yes it is hard not to snoop, and wonder what the heck they are doing, but you have too. Believe me, I want to all the time and so far have not done once. I also have not figured out the letting go part, or at least appearing that way when you are still in love, but I am doing it, at least I think I am LOL. Good luck and I will check up on your thread later.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Yeah, I do tend to write a lot, don't I. As you can see, I've got a lot on my plate and on my mind. In my individual counseling, I always try to be fair, yet honest in my portrayal of my wife, but the fear is that I make her look real, real bad sometimes. She does bad things, but I love her for many reasons. One is that she is really a good person with a big heart. Too bad she has so many issues raining down on her that she cannot seem to control. I have faith in her, though. And will have to have faith that backing off is what is needed to save our marriage.
