I can't tackle our M problems and her own problems at the same time.
This is absolutely true Sol. Sometimes working on our relationships seems like trying to fix an engine while it's running--so many parts are moving, how can we possibly zero in on any one thing long enough to fix it?
One thing is for sure: change yourself and the dynamics change. You've made progress in doing some things for yourself, and granted, there is a lot of drama in your interactions with your W, but you still need to focus inward and find peace in YOU. Regardless of any outside sitch. You need to love Sol for who he is deep down, and feel at peace with your worth as an individual. Once you find that, you'll find that you can choose your actions and reactions involving your wife from a place of calmness and power (true loving detachment). And that will make all the difference.
Sounds simple. It is, but it's elusive--life throws so many distractions at us. It's there waiting for you. Be the hero.
