(1) I agree. (2) She believes that she could have gotten pregnant and that it's 100% my fault for us not having children. At least that's what she has said. (3) I agree.
I've always wanted children and have thought that we would have them.
BTW, she has a pattern of "changing her mind" -- often. Back and forth. Not just about children. About most things. Often makes big plans and announces them to people, but then changes her plans. Her mother does the same thing. It drive me crazy sometimes. I'm easy going, but I like to know which direction we're going.
Forget about my infantalizing comments. That was just a stab in the dark. She loved you for some reason even though you wouldn't give her sex or a baby. I believe you when you say that you want/wanted kids. Imagine how that must have messed with your wife's mind to be married to a man who wanted kids but not enough to actually have sex with her. Since she's 40 and feeling insecure about her ability to attract a man sexually she is probably planning on using a sperm donor or IVF.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I guess anything is possible, but I don't see her wanting to raise a child by herself... just don't see that at all.
I don't think she would have a problem attracting a man. She's very cute, wonderful eyes, and one hell of a personality. Very friendly. Everyone likes her. She is overweight, but that would easily be overlooked or she'd loose the weight. She could find someone if she wanted to.
Just my $.02, I still think you seem to be doing great by working on you -- that is so very hard to do in the sitch at hand! I think you are doing really well also in dealing w/ her. I do hope that she starts seeing how much you want your M to work out and that she is able to bring herself back to you. Maybe she just needs this time to deal w/ her issues on her own. I can't remember if you asked if she would go to C or if you are going to C or not.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks for the kind words. It's hard, especially at night. I so want to call her and beg her to come home. I know that I can't do that. I hope that she'll see that I'm sincere and want her back. And that I'm willing to work on our relationship and make it better than it's ever been. I was wrong and I wish I could roll back time.
We were going to C for the last 6 months together. I'm still going. I have even been going to my C's "group" sessions. I never thought that I was a "group session" kind of guy, but it really has been helpful. My W isn't going to a C. She didn't want to continue with me and she didn't want to see the same C. My C gave her the name of another C and she has resisted going. My C has even called her several times, but she won't return the calls.
My W seems to be avoiding anyone who might not support her position. This includes several long time friends that have tried to call her.
I wish I knew what was going to happen. I keep hoping that she'll turn around, but so far it just seems that she's continuing in the direction towards divorce.
Ya know I couldn't help but think of you when I posted something to Blackfoot earlier today. The post was about a comment I made about women should always listen to their gut instinct...well it kind of sat on BF's mind, so I felt I needed to clarify what I meant.
Women are HORRIBLE about listening to our gut instincts (can't speak for men on this). I've only in the last few years learned to hear my gut instinct speaking, and listen to it. In my past I've made the horrible mistakes of not listening to it.
The 1st time was with my 1st H (who BTW does not deserve the title "husband"). I ignored my gut that was screaming "GET OUT, SAVE YOURSELF, YOUR GOING TO END UP DEAD!!!" and instead let my pride and guilt talk me into staying in a dangerous and destructive situation just so my parents wouldn't have to see what I got myself into, I let me guilt convince me I deserved what I was getting...and squealched my gut instinct to save myself.
Fast forward a few years down the line....I was married to my 2nd H, who truly was/is a good guy...but he was an alcoholic. Well this time, when he was trying to straighten himself up and save our marriage I let my pride/anger/restment/and hurt feelings give me the excuse I was looking for to leave...they told me "HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE?! YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF AN IDIOT IF YOU STAY IN THIS SITUATION! YOU'VE GIVEN HIM ENOUGH CHANCES AND HE CHOOSES BOOZE OVER YOU EVERY TIME!" When inside my gut was actually quietly telling me...."stick this out, he's really trying...he's going to make it this time." I didn't listen to my gut that time...and well, a few years later I regretted that, because by the time I stopped being angry...he'd given up on waiting for me and moved on.
Fast forward to last year. I'm now married to my 3rd, current, and hopefully last H. I'd been dealing with an SSM from the start (at that time 3 years) and found out he'd been cheating on me online. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated, and many people, including many of my friends here...were encouraging me to kick him out...who could blame them? Honestly, my pride/anger/and hurt feelings were screaming to kick him to the curb too! This time though I took the time to really listen to ME, to what my gut instinct was telling me. This time my gut said "give him one more chance, don't give up on him now." Tough as it was, I didn't give up...we made it through that devastating time...and we're better now for it.
I've taken a long route to tell you....I think your W is battling with herself right now. I think her gut is telling her to give you another chance, but her pride/anger/resentment/and hurt feelings are telling her "YOU'D BE AN IDIOT TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE".
Don't give up on her, don't give up on your marriage...keep fighting. What does your gut tell you to do? Not your hurt pride, not the confusion from her actions, not your frustration....but your gut. What's it telling you?
My gut says stick it out, keep fighting. But I also know that I never quit anything. I just don't quit, I can't do it. I'm loyal to a fault. Am I doing the right thing?
I hope that she's listening to her gut feelings. I know that she's mad, hurt, has resentment, etc...
So what should I do? Lay low and wait for her to come around. Beg her... Just have patience and wait.
I'm emotionally stable now, so I can "play the game" better. Before, I couldn't do anything without being emotional.
Do you have any recomendations on how to find out what her "gut" is telling her, or how to prompt her to listen to her gut?
Something is stoping her from moving forward with the divorce. Not sure what it is, but it could be her gut feelings. She says that she wants out, but isn't finalizing it. She could be just keeping her options open. But my guess is that something is telling her to not nail it shut and that she really does love me and doesn't want to be divorced a second time.
There is NOTHING you can do to figure out what her gut is telling her, or to prompt her to listen to it. Do NOT beg etc, that behavior will push her away. Continue the course you are on.
The one thing I've told you all along is that if she REALLY wanted a D, she would have already filed. She hasn't, as you said something is stopping her from moving forward. She has also had behaviors and made statements that lead me to think she's having a battle of wills like I've described to you already going on.
Stand your ground firmly and do not do anything to aid her in getting a divorce, continue to tell her you do not want one and that you are fighting to earn another chance with her. Continue taking NOP's advice, he knows what he's talking about...but avoid at all costs appearing needy, that will push her further away. I'm also thinking that it's a good thing to have HER explain to anyone who wants to know...why she wants a D, don't offer to have those conversations (like with your folks). It's very possible that in attempting to justify a divorce to someone else she may see...it's not what she really wants.
