It's been a long, rough road, but W is actually saying that she is the one that wants to work on our M and she is afraid that I don't want to anymore. She told me today that if I wasn't careful I was really going to screw up and lose her, and that she is worried about me.
She called a mutual friend about how I was unwilling to compromise about where we lived. Our friend helped W put things into perspective and we were able to have a pleasant conversation when I got home (A little more info in last post of my last thread linked at top of this post).
I think the important thing for me to remember is that I'm not living the way I want to. I'm constantly afraid of W getting angry, so I'm hesitant to do the extra things I want to with her. There is a palpable tension between us, even when things are going great; I think mainly because I've been holding back, and not continuing my 180s and doing things differently.
My initial DBing worked, but I haven't taken it to the next level. I think it may be a fear of failure - the opportunity for success is real and is there, but if it doesn't work it will be so much more painful.... I forget that if I don't work to make my R with W a success, I'm going to get the painful failure I'm afraid of. Better to try and fail then just fail.
Anyway, since I'm no longer separated, and W is actively saying she's ready to work on our R (even though when she gets upset she also quickly threatens D), I've got less to fear now than when I started DBing. I'm getting where I always wanted to go, so why am I still so unhappy and fearful?
JRyan,
if you find me here, answers to your questions: W wants me to get a different job. I've tried to explain to W that I don't have a job anymore, I finally have a life. I'm taking over at my family's dairy farm, so even though I refer to it as "work", it's actually more like my "home". Living in a house not on the farm is a compromise for me, although this is an absolute neccessity for W. Like most farmers, we are land rich and cash poor, so I'm not raking in the dough. We can still pay our bills, but sometimes just barely, which is one reason W is looking for a job.
I appreciate your comment about W's LL not being spoken, it reminded me that in order to be effective, by actions need to be spoken in a language W understands, and I've been speaking H talk recently, not W talk. Thank you!
Most of all, I'm glad to be back in piecing, and I intend to stay here, unless Michele starts a "Success Stories" forum Now THAT's positive thinking!
Now THAT's positive thinking!
