I think any insight you can get into her FOO the better, especially if she is starting to think about it herself, and then talk to you about it. It sounds like the low level bickering in her past has created some issues for her. I read in that book about Adult Attachment Disorder that even mild trauma can create problems if it occurs continuously over long periods of time. It’s like the person just can’t get away from it and the person learns to create defenses to deal with it.
Then the grandmother’s way of handling things does not help at all. That sounds like shame-based behavior, which is all about avoidance. Shame also creates low self esteem, so a person focuses on what they do wrong, rather than take pride in what they do right. But it seems your W is trying to buck this trend somehow. At least by working out and focusing on her appearance, she is trying to rise above some of that self hatred. Better than gaining 100 pounds.
She’s caught in her own negative reinforcing cycle. Unfortunately I see you as part of that cycle (which makes sense because that is why she married you). She must want attention, love, to feel good about herself (the opposite of what she saw in her parents) or she never would have gotten into shape and become attracted to the OM in the first place. But the old patterns are hard to break. She is accustomed to emotional distance, trained by grandma to be a martyr, to stuff her feelings and find her own happiness. She grew up in a narcissistic setting where no one else was concerned about her happiness. Her parents were too busy arguing and trying to force each other to make them happy. No happiness for W, so she has to make do herself.
Fast forward to you. You fall into the victim mode yourself, withdraw, focus on your needs. She goes without, again. Nothing new to her, that’s all she knew her whole life. Again, if she is going to be happy, she needs to find it herself. No one will do it for her. No one can be trusted. Not her parents, not her grandma, not you, and though she may not realize it yet, not the OM (no matter how nice he may actually be). The loss of your sister-in-law only reinforces her loss issues. The ONLY safe haven is the children. They love her unconditionally with no strings attached. Their moving out is a SERIOUS loss for her.
So is it any wonder that she is confused? Of course she is. She has no idea what love is supposed to be, how it should feel, how she should act, how she should expect others to act. You put someone like that up on a pedestal, and they will REALLY feel the pressure. What are they supposed to do? They have no clue! They want love, but it becomes engulfing. What to do? RUN!!!
As you might guess, I pull a lot of this from my own sitch. So I might be wrong on many parts, but I see similarities. This is a very scary thing for her to face. If my hypothesis is right, the bottom line is that she is scared, plain and simple. She wants and needs protection and comfort, but does not know what that is when it is offered to her. So the allure of the OM is tempting. She cannot recognize the danger.
Try to see things from her POV and it might help you in talking with her. It will also help her to hear you, and you to hear her. Then get to a counselor ASAP!!! You may not be a FOO guy now, but I bet you will know FOO inside and out before your M can be repaired. Pick up some books. Try to understand where she is coming from. That will help to validate her.
