Can you give me some advice please?

[imLIN]

cemar...

I think I understand where you are coming from in your question...do we "think" all our H's want is sex??? (well mine, now because he has his own medical issues there)...

But from talking to my H (because we had a dynamic sex life prior to his leaving) I have found that it isn't really THE sex...it is the feeling of being respected and loved...it is a feeling that some men might associate with a sexually active wife...for others it can be totally different...

I notice that zuzu's posts are based 99% on the sex life of her and H...I can't comment on whether this is going to be healthy in the long run...most important is that they are approaching the things that are causing the problems...his past issues and her present ones...

Is that what you were asking for...

[RedHeadWife]

Well, and I think that the stereotype also -- all men want is sex. The fact that men don't necessarily TELL us that they asociated sex w/ being respected, loved, etc. doesn't help that.

I now understand . . . . and have done something about that.

It's not necessarily the kinky sex, etc., it's the connection and the motivation from us to want to please them and the intimacy that comes along with it.

Most of all, kind of like LFL and what she wants, they want to be desired -- not always the one to initiate. They want to be wanted.

[**zuzu**]

Hey guys,

How do you stick in a quote? I couldn't figure it out.

Anyhow, IMLIN wrote:
it isn't really THE sex...it is the feeling of being respected and loved...it is a feeling that some men might associate with a sexually active wife...

Exactly. Before the bomb, *I* thought our sex life was ok, but there was this level of passion and HEIGHTENED intimacy which I think my H claims to have been lacking because of some issues he is having with the past. If you looked at a calendar, it's not that we were hardly ever having sex. If we listed what we engaged in, it's not that we were only doing missionary, never getting a little adventurous, which is WHY I freaked a little when he talked about his two main complaints:
1) we fight too much (agreed, but obviously affecting him WAY more than me) and
2) he was unhappy with our sex life.

Also, I don't MEAN to emphasize our sex life only, but this has become my OUTLET for talking about that particular aspect. I think I pissed H off at our last MC session by, (among other things), finally bringing up the sex somewhat. See, when he gave me this list of things I could do to help him get over the past, I was floored, but tried to still talk with him with respect. I told him that he had to see it from my point of view: doing these things sexually will help heal his wounds from me breaking up with him in 1992?!?! He got irate and said he had tried to be vulnerable and tell me what he thought I should just figure out on my own and I had made him look like some kind of deviant and he wished he had not even said anything.

SO . . . that's why I started posting all the "sex stuff" over here. Up until just a few days ago, I was posting the regular R and communication stuff in Newcomers, and the rest here, but had people mostly responding here, so decided to make this my thread's "home."

I know that ALL he wants is not sex. That is painfully clear. He wants me to prove he is the one and I totally desire him. I am trying to do that. I am especially hampered because I thought we had a decent sex life to begin with, so for someone to tell me I need to step it up, I am having to get out of my comfort zone and I'm trying to do that.

Ok, my son just dropped a bowl of cottage cheese and pineapple chunks from his high chair onto the dining room carpet! Gotta go!!

Thanks for the help and continued discussion, everyone!!

[**zuzu**]

Hello there,

I'm feeling very ADD today. Too much coffee I guess.

Do you ever get in a funk? I get in a funk too often I think. This is something I would like to change in myself. I actually am taking Zoloft at my H's urging. (He is on it too.)

When I'm getting grouchy lately, he'll actually say, "Have you taken your medicine today?" Oh, yeah, that helps a LOT. lol! Sort of a slightly nicer version of "are you pms'ing?"

So, I called him today and had a quick question about our mouse. It was not working at all. (We bought a new cordless one the night of the blow-up because he ripped it out of the wall when I tried to reply in an email to OW.) When I asked him what was wrong, he said change the batteries, etc. He said, "Why are you mad at me? How is it my fault the mouse is not working?" I said, obviously it wasn't. There was one battery sitting right next to it and I simply wondered, "Had he tried to fix it already?" etc.

Anyhow, I was getting interrupted constantly by my daughter when on the phone, etc. I mean, yeah, we try to teach her manners, but I'm on the phone a lot from time to time and don't always announce, "quiet, mommy's making a phone call," when it's just a quick call to Joey.

ANYHOW, he was very curt towards me because he said I was being angry over nothing.

I'm sharing this email I sent him in response knowing full well it will look like I'm not really following advice I've been given. I'm trying. I guess I feel like I am not completely dealing with a WAS so we are kind of working on ourselves and trying in a daily way to identify the triggers that are hanging us up. In other words, I don't think the most productive thing is to shut up and act sweet if I notice a negative dynamic that's going on between us. Like I said, too much coffee today. I'm rambling. Here is my email to him:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About our call...
I did not realize that I was being angry. When you pointed it out, I could see it, but it was absolutely no reflection on you. I was not saying it was your fault the mouse was not working. (obviously) I apologize for being angry.
You are my husband and best friend. A kind, gentle uplifting word may have been very comforting to me then. I'm not even necessarily *asking* for that. I'm just telling you that I probably could have used that then and as much as you can, please realize that I don't like feeling the way I feel sometimes. It makes me feel like less of a person - flawed. *You* have a lot of power to just help me up out of the mud at times like that. Again, I apologize for being that way. I don't like it, but I can't always seem to help it. I am trying.

Hope this makes sense. I'm not saying I expect anything of you. I'm just reflecting on our conversation.

love,
R.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He replied simply "I love you." which I thought was nice. I called him later trying to line up summer day camps for our daughter and he started sharing all these other scheduling things coming up. The day we return from Vegas he has an 8 day biz trip. I said, "I thought you weren't traveling for a while." He said I haven't traveled in a while." So anyhow, when I started to get stressed out, he said in a soft voice, it's ok. That helped. I know he was purposefully doing that and I appreciate it. I will tell him tonight that it means a lot when he goes out of his way for me.

I have a feeling I'm coming across as VERY NEEDY, but I guess that's how I feel sometimes.

In reading Choc's posts and the discussion of "putting a woman on a pedestal", I found that interesting because that is the phrase H always uses to refer to how things were before I dumped him. I know I was thriving on outside attention at the time, but I don't know what that means about me or our R at the time.

Ok, both kids are finally napping. Better go take a shower while I can. I am going to a Moms Night Out tonight with a local group. A wine and cheese party at a girl's house. Hope to have fun. Calgon, take me away!

PS Are there any other stay-at-home moms out there?

[RedHeadWife]

I think we need to get each other's phone #s in "real life."

Funky-funk is me too these days. I finally said to myself "Kelly, he STAYED knowing what the conditions were (no more cheating, etc.) He chose to stay. Therefore, quit dwelling!!!! And if he decides to leave ever again KICK HIS A$$ OUT THE DOOR."

I'm not a SAHM anymore, but am working full-time and then go home to the 3 boys while H is deployed so I think that counts for something

Hope you have a good girl's night out. I'm taking 2 older boys to Shrek.

I'm so working on just getting ME back and liking ME FOR ME the way I was before I met H.

We'll get this thing together somehow !! Glad we have the support around here to know that we're normal (kind of).

[RedHeadWife]

[e-mail]

[**zuzu**]

Oh your boys are so lucky! Mari (and H) would love to go to that (eh, me not so much, but it would be good family fun), but we are too broke! Yes, we just had PayDay and it is already all gone. Sigh . . .

Oh well, press on!
And I WILL be using that email!

TTYL! Gotta run to make dinner, then fly out the door to buy invites for the shower I'm throwing, head to the wine store, then the party!

[**zuzu**]

Well, came home a bit after 11 from the Moms Night Out. It was fun getting out with other girls.

H seemed a teensy bit uncomfortable with me going. Not saying I couldn't at all or being negative about having to be with the kids, but just "whose house is it? what are you going to be doing? do you have the phone with you?" etc. I had my purse on my shoulder and getting ready to go and he stepped back from me and said, "You look nice. You have your "hot" pants on." I chuckled and said, "This is my only pair of jeans that's not capris!" (and a black t-shirt, woo-hoo!) He hugged me, I kissed D4, then headed out. He followed me though. Was telling me about seeing a certain kind of butterfly that day that he was never able to catch as a kid. (We're nature freaks, him especially.) I listened, but seriously was like, in the car, ready to start the ignition and he was standing there, hanging on the car door, shootin' the sh!t. It was funny, but cute.

When I got home, he was about to fall asleep watching tv. Asked how it was, etc. I said fun. I immediately said, "Thanks for watching the kids so I could go out. I really appreciate it." He said that's fine. He said, "What'd you do?" I said, "Eat, drink, talk, play games." He said, "What game?" I said, "Cranium." He said, "Did you win?" I laughed and said, "no." He said, "I tried to call a couple of times, but you didn't answer." I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, my phone was in my purse, but I didn't hear it." He said, "I know, kind of defeats the point of taking it." I said, "It was loud, lots of cackling girls." He said, "Did everyone complain about their husbands?" I said, "NO! (smile on my face, but I was surprised he asked this.) Nobody did!" (pause-I was laying next to him lightly rubbing his back by now.) I said, "What would make you think that?" He just said, "I don't know." I said, "No, there was nothing negative like that at all."

No sex last night. (I said something at the end of the night about, "Not much of a date night." because we had eaten out, but then it was just an average night at home putting the kids to bed, etc. He said he thought the night before was date night! lol I said, no because of counseling appts on Monday and PayDay we moved it, remember? He didn't. No biggie.)

Anyhow, he was about to fall asleep. I stroked his back a bit more, we said ILY, and I said good night. (Said I was gonna read in LR for a bit.)

I listened to the message he left on my phone. It was just barely an hour after I left and he was saying, "It does no good to have the phone with you if you can't hear it. I was looking for the digital camera so I could do some work. ttyl." No ILY.

Looking forward to the rest of the weekend. Monday is his IC appt. Mine is Tue morn. I hope we get headed towards some progress on his issues with the past. I almost HOPE that something pops up which puts him in the "angry place" before his appt because what happens is he will attend the appt and just talk about the issues in a glossed over way if he's not really angry. It seems that the only time a MC can really get a handle on what it is he's experiencing is when he's in one of those states, because it is SO different from when he's not.

[RedHeadWife]

Well, I hope that you guys can get some things worked out in C, but I don't hope that you have any negative stuff going on at home. Maybe things will start falling into place soon. I'm glad you had a good time at your mom's day out.

[**zuzu**]

Hello,
Thanks for the support, CM.

I am still in a funk. Yuk. I hate being like this. I think the root of it is that I am feeling starved for appreciation and validation. I *know* this isn't RIGHT, but I just think it's what is probably at the root of it. I think I am feeling sorry for myself. I have also been feeling just . . . irritable, like my emotions are out of control or something.

H let me sleep until 9:45. But then as soon as I woke up, he went back to sleep. This is a pattern I cannot stand and just tried to talk to him about last weekend. I told him I would rather he NOT let me sleep, but we could both wake up. Anyhow, he slept until 12:30. Don't get me wrong, I love to sleep in, I am a night owl and not a morning person at all. I also understand he works all week long, but I feel like our day is half over when this happens.

So he mentions taking daughter to see Shrek. We don't have extra money this week, so he was going to have to do it on the credit card. (Sad, I know.) I suggested he take her to the dollar theatre. He didn't want to. He tried to talk to me and basically was asking (nicely) if I wanted to go. I had made it clear a few days ago that he should just take her because I don't think I'd like it too much. I was disappointed in a way because it would have been a fun family thing, but she got her Daddy time which I know she misses out on during the week and it was better for our 13-month old to not be dragged to a movie where he would have just squirmed and jabbered the whole time.

I made lunch, but the dining table was full of d's craft stuff and they were in a hurry to get to the movie, so we all just sat at the coffee table and kind of scarfed it down. Not the lunch I had planned, but no biggie.

I packed some gummy worms for her to take in a little purse. A few minutes later, he shoved some different candy in his pocket and said, "I don't want her accidentally dumping the purse or forgetting it, so I'll just take this instead." Whatever. It's little stuff I know. . .

When they came home, he did not talk to me, and I mostly talked to d about the movie. He started paying some online bills, etc. I just felt kind of ignored. Finally after a few minutes playing outside with the kids while he worked, I came in and cheerfully said, "How was the movie?" He said it was good, she fidgeted some, but overall she was good and enjoyed it.

I tried to talk with him as we were all outside. I wanted to show him some flowers I'd planted and where I had weeded, etc. He had his head buried in the mail. I said, "Can you hear me?" He said no. I repeated myself, but he said, "Come here, what's this?" It was a Marriage Encounter registration I had filled out for us online. He said when is it? What is it? All sounding very peeved. He said I can't go those dates, you need to ask me about this stuff first. I explained that it had been weeks ago that I had looked for it online. He read the first line of the letter, "In an age where marriage is being attacked..." He said, "They're a bunch of anti-gays!" (That is something he really feels strongly about.) I said, "When I looked it up online, it did mention that it was Christian, but it did NOT say they were anti-gay." He said, "I believe you that it didn't, but still." I walked off and he said, "Come over here! Don't just say something negative like that! Come talk to me!!" My jaw dropped. I said, "You're the one who said something negative!" He didn't really respond to that, but I just said, "You try looking for help for our marriage that isn't religious or New Agey (his other complaint.)" I said, "It was one we could actually afford too." He said, "I thought we were paying for weekly counseling. If that's not helping us, then maybe we should stop wasting our money because it's starting to rack up." I said, "I didn't seek out a marriage encounter weekend because our MC was not beneficial. I told you that I registered weeks ago."

That was about the most that we fought, but I was just irritated all night long. He asked me if I was taking my medicine because I sure had been irritable the last few days and I told him that question was like the equivalent of asking a woman if she is on the rag. He stood his ground that my behavior merited the question. I said yes, I was. He said more than once that I had been like this for several days now and that "it maybe a personal flaw of his" but after a while it's all he can do to just start sending it back at me.

He kept putting trash in the top of a full trash can. (I take out the trash 95% of the time.) He made daughter a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and left everything out on the counter. He made himself cereal and left the bowl and cereal box sitting on the counter. Those are little things, I know, but it feels like he doesn't really respect me. So I took out the trash, I cleaned the kitchen. He had asked me what I wanted to do for dinner earlier because he was hungry and said he didn't really get a chance to eat before the movie. He was basically saying, I'm gonna go eat. So I just shared some mango that I cut up for d and ended up gorging on Pringles and Breyer's while we watched Saturday Night Live together. He did at least ask me to do that. I had told him I was in a funk and felt like he didn't give a sh!t about me. (I know, I know!!) He said, "well, you know I do, don't you think that's internal? Is your Depo shot about to wear off and your hormones are out of whack?" I said no.

We haven't had sex in the past 3 days. I thought today would go differently. I didn't even leave the house, which sucked. I feel like a zombie. I am hoping tomorrow goes better. I told him I'd like to do something as a family tomorrow. He said, "you plan it out." I said, "It'd be fun to go to the park." He said, "that'd be ok" not sounding very excited.

Ok, so clearly, the MAIN thing I have to work on right now is PMA. I need to let my mood be based on ME, not his reactions to me. I think if he seemed to be showing some respect for me, I would be able to do that a bit easier. I know my situation is different from others and I don't even know if I should stay on this board or move to a different one. Cadesmom, maybe you and I should find a home besides SSM?? (Your H definitely wasn't sex-starved when he was deployed!!!) I guess I'm technically a Newcomer?? What do you think?

We did say ILY tonight, but I'm sure he was thinking, "Jump on me." I don't want to when things are like this though. That's part of my problem. When things aren't *good* between us, it's like there's a wall and I don't know how to break down the wall.

Ok, PMA starts here...
I'm gonna list some things I'm grateful for:
We had BEAUTIFUL weather here today and I planted some purple coneflower in our front flower bed.
My son slept most of the day and I got some alone time!
I have had fun planning a wedding shower for my best friend Missy.
Joey is trying to be nice to me during my funk even if he doesn't do everything I would like him to do.
We take our first steps towards working out the 1992 stuff in two IC sessions this week. (scary, but a good thing too.)

That's all for now. Sorry so rambling.
Thanks so much for reading. If ANYONE read all that, I would love to hear from you. I appreciate it so much!